If You See Me Walkin By, And the Tears are in my Eyes, VANDALAY! BABY VANDALAY!; Or, Apartment Heresy

Last night I dreamt (here we go again, I know) that Horace yakked all over my chest while I was trying to sleep (barkake) and the cats were peeing everywhere. I reckon this is better than the home invasion dreams I was having. I saw Sorry, Wrong Number last week and SPOILER ALERT at the end the main character is killed when someone breaks in. To kill her. Whoops. I did enjoy the chemist in it who really reminded me of the Gale Boetticher character from Breaking Bad.

What is up? Pup is up, Brown is down. Franny turned 12, since it is October and all.

She finally got a friend to sleep over, which has been a real challenge in the past. There was giggling from her room until midnight. I think this neighborhood is going to be a lot more fun for since her friends mostly live close to their school. We ended up outside the school district in the last place, since our neighborhood school was closed for remodeling and the girls were sent to the next one, which we now live near. Strudel is taking the brunt of the overload of kids who were shipped to their current school, since she was the last kindergarten class before the other school reopened. There are 35 kids in her second grade class, and I think there are 4 second grades. The classes below her are a more reasonable size, I hear.

I’m enjoying the house, especially now that the heat is on (um literal heat, not crime type). I know that the inspector looked at the furnace, and pronounced it new and in good working condition, but I was nervous because of years of moving into rentals and rolling the dice on them. How cold and leaky would the house be, exactly? It turns out it is as snug as a bug in a rug, as they say. I am SO WARM. I always think about SeaFed’s grandmother, who was Seattle’s own Dowager Countess. She was responsible for such Mal Mots as “You would look so pretty if only you’d lose ten pounds” and “You’d look so pretty if only you’d take that metal crap out of your face” and many, many variations on the theme of “THE JAPS!” which she could not be corrected out of, gently or otherwise. However, there was one thing that she said to me once that was not racist, sexist, or insulting, an observation that she made when SeaFed was out of the room and she noticed he was kind of dragging his feet on getting his shit together and doing things like working. “It’s okay to be poor now,” she said. I was 24 and had a two-year-old Franny and was in school. “But not in your 30s. You’ll just be too tired.” I am glad to be in a comfortable house that I like now. I am tired. But more relaxed now that the automatic gun turrets are installed.

I’ve been fooling around with the house a lot as the painting is kind of winding down. I decided the dining room wasn’t blinged out enough and needed a stenciled medallion.

If it wasn’t hard enough painting on a ceiling, the paint started blobbing around under the stencil and I could tell it looked bad. I know enough to know when to quit, so I did!

Of course I tried to wipe it to minimize the damage, but it was already drying. My first fuck up! Kind of nice to have that Band-Aid ripped off I suppose. My last phone came out of the box scratched, much to the clerk’s horror. He tried to take it from me, but I wouldn’t let him. Pre-scratched means you don’t have to have that unique gadget sad when your new shiny gets its first fender-bender.

I decided to “fix” it with a real medallion. Sure, I could have just painted it white, but I decided to just try a different tack(y).

I got a white polystyrene one and painted it. I started with a base of black spraypaint, and followed up with Rustoleum “hammered” Rosemary, which is kind of a metallic green/grey. Rustoleum is theoretically for things like patio furniture, but I cannot tell you how many of the junk shop rescue objects in my house are covered in it. After that I gave it a tiny spritz of some Rustoleum Copper I had laying around from spraying the giant vampire head on my porch (umm, I need a pic of that up I suppose) and then, my favorite thing, Rub N Buff. I am worshiping at the altar of this woman who is the Rub N Buff Queen. So I pulled out the highlights in it using Gold Leaf.

I also realized that something was missing from the dining room.

Come to me, Banditoooo. I cleaned him up a little–my velvets are way dusty. I also oiled the frame with some almond oil, which I use on the dining table and the free standing butcher block counters as well. I’m getting to the point where I’m finally hanging stuff. This house is designed with such an economy of space that I don’t actually have enough walls. I’m going Victorian art gallery clusterfuck on my only large, non-wood paneled wall as soon as I am able to lay out my paintings and Tetris them together before hanging. I measured a space on my floor to arrange my mirror wall and that worked a treat.

The paneled wall is coming along. I think it can hold at least four more heads.

IN OTHER NEWS (OLDS)

This is what 35 looks like. If you’re me anyway. Tired, yet optimistic. This is the age of being asked if you’re feeling tired. OF COURSE I AM. FUCK. WHAT DOES THIS LOOK LIKE, HANDJOB BON-BON PARTY BUS?

Look! It’s a real camera! No Instagrams were harmed during the making of this blog. This is rich, coming from a blogger, I know, but I am feeling like I should be taking more pictures of myself lately. I will tell you I am interested to see what my face is going to do in the next ten years. I see pictures of myself when I first started blogging at 23 and I say WHO IS THAT BABY?

NAMASTE, FUCKERS.

20 Responses to “If You See Me Walkin By, And the Tears are in my Eyes, VANDALAY! BABY VANDALAY!; Or, Apartment Heresy”

  1. Brigid Keely says:

    Your medallion looks GREAT. I love it!

    In that last photo, is that wallpaper behind you, or stenciled gloss vs flat paint? Either way I love it.

    PS remember how a dude stabbed a dude on our front steps? Last night somebody lit our garbage can on fire.

  2. iasshole says:

    Jesus, woman! I hope your neighborhood has some perks. Be safe.

    Behind me is a satin wall–the silver layer is metallic, and the pink is more satin. It’s hard for me to capture with my stone age point and shoot skillz. http://www.flickr.com/photos/74946901@N00/8112841843/in/photostream

    I’d advise against tripping balls in my house in general.

  3. Halo says:

    I enjoy the preview of your house, and chastise myself once again for not calling on your actual factual birthday. I has a prezzie for you, late as usual. You look fab, friend!

  4. iasshole says:

    Hey thanks! And don’t worry about it. Not to be someone’s guilt inducing grandma, but people don’t remember if you’re not on FB. Or uhh maybe everyone hates me now. HA!

  5. kdiddy says:

    “This is the age of being asked if you’re feeling tired. OF COURSE I AM. FUCK. WHAT DOES THIS LOOK LIKE, HANDJOB BON-BON PARTY BUS?”

    FOR FUCKING SERIOUS OH MY GOD. People ask me that all the time and I’d kick them in the box if I wasn’t so tired (obvy). But, I mean, I’m a working mom. What the hell am I supposed to look like? (Happy Birthday bee tee dubs.)

  6. Allison H says:

    Allz I know is that your hair looks fantastic against that “THE WALL IS MOVING OMG” background.

    I hate that “are you tired” crap. It’s just a shorthand for saying YOU’RE GETTING OLD YOU HAG.

  7. J.B. says:

    Your craftiness never ceases to astound me. I come from uncrafty folk.

    I would assume if one were on the “HANDJOB BON-BON PARTY BUS” one would affect a visage of fatigue after a time, but I have not (of yet) experienced said party bus, so I cannot say with confidence.

    “Namaste, fuckers” always makes me laugh.

    Congratulations on making another swing around the solar system.

  8. k says:

    wow your medallion painting skills are fabulous, you have a growed up persons home, you look super fly and happy-here’s to another asstastic year or 60!

  9. Bugger says:

    Thinking handjob bus sounds like too much work, though maybe not as much as an actual job combined with parenting. But your medallion is crazy good and I am officially dazzled by your deco painting skills. Happy bday to both Franny pants and you. I have not made you an appropriate photochopped picture to display on your compy, but I will get it done. Now I mention it, I think I never sent you last years version. :/ Also, please to send me your wallpaper because it’s EXACTLY the kind of wallpaper I’d like to see while tripping balls (plus it is pretty when not tripping balls as well).

  10. iasshole says:

    Thanks for the birthday wishes yallz,

    Bugger: It’s here and you can make it any color you want, and paint over instead of stripping. Unless you want to be a stripping painter…

    http://www.cuttingedgestencils.com/damask-birds-pattern.html

  11. V's Herbie says:

    So, I didn’t know about the birthday, but I made you a slightly belated Prezi!

    SJ’s Prezzie

  12. iasshole says:

    HA I have never seen one of these before. What a weird toy. I love it! Thanks! :D

  13. V's Herbie says:

    Glad you like it!

    Prezi: Powerpoint for drunks and twelve year olds.

  14. AntMac says:

    *ahemm*

    Why, hellloooo, baby =]

    Looking pretty cute for an ‘old” shelia, if I can be allowed a complement. You don’t look the least bit tired from the outside.

    I am always impressed by the style you do things with, SJ. The ceiling circle, anyone could just throw one up, but you put up a burnished, tricked out- one.
    However, the Bandito picture is point blank burning me up with envy!. That is just the ducks nuts. The animals looking down off the wall . . . O.0

    Not so much. lol.

    Happy Birthday, mate.

    ( I loled at the Nanna diss’in the cad. very good. )

  15. shauna says:

    I love the golden dining room and the shade of your hair with equal fervour! And now looking around at this sorry excuse of a living room thinking NEEDS MOAR HEADS!

  16. Helen says:

    Happy birthday, and you look great!

  17. jesslla says:

    Happy birthday!!!!! I love your pictures. The gold wall. The medallion. The bubblegum pink hair. Everything. A wonderful happy birthday to Franny as well. She’s growing up so lovely!

  18. Krumpy says:

    Ahhh! You updated the front page of you site and you made a Funk & Wagnall reference! I love it!!!! Happy belated birthday, lady. I hope you have a really, really, really good year this year. Besos! _-Krumpy

  19. snozma says:

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY. You look young and fabulous.

    I like the heads but the mountain lion head makes me feel a little sad. He looks so real!

    Do you do your own electrical work? Is there nothing you cannot do, woman?

    Oh Lordy I remember those 10 or more years gone by–MORE YEARS. When you were such a baby. Wow, 12 years ago I first read your blog and started blogging myself.

  20. Shezbot says:

    Happy Birthday, to the most gorgeous pink haired lady I know on the interwebs!