So you say it’s Monday night, and you’ve got nothing better to do? Don’t want to call your pallys up and invite them to get all shitty because the beginning of the week is “drinking-in-secret night?” Well, my chocolate-coated nougat dolphins, have I got a surprise for YOU.
We at the offices of I, Asshole proudly present:
The 7th Heaven Drinking Game!
What? You’ve never heard of 7th Heaven? Well, it’s only the highest-rated show on the WB. Wha…? You’ve NEVER HEARD OF THE WB? Well, fuck you and your self-righteous, non-TV watching friends, you Commie.
For the rest of us, there’s 7th Heaven (which happens to be on Mondays), and secret drinking. Woo!
The Rules
Have a drink whenever any or all of these things occurs:
-They play the theme song. Really, have a drink, you deserve it. It’s ear-bleedingly bad, I know.
-Whenever the twins do/say something dreadfully cutsie, a la the Olson Twins on Full House.
-Whenever the oldest son, Matt (played by Barry Watson, who must be pushing 40 by now), shows up with annoying new Oasis-esque hair, or shakes the old hair around like he’s got the damn D.T.s.
-Whenever a commercial break occurs, and they show one of the WB station/show IDs. They always sex up the older teens, put them in glammy clothes, and turn industrial fans on them full-blast so their hair blows around. I wonder if this is in their contract? “We will sex up you, the undersigned, for station IDs, though on the show you will appear in innocent clothes more suitable to your fifteen-year-old character.” Oh, well. I said, DRINK!
-When the youngest daughter, Ruthie, says something so precocious you want to strangle the piss out of her.
Take two drinks when any of following occurs:
-The father, Reverend Camden (who was awesome in Star Trek, the Motion Picture, don’t deny it), looks up at the ceiling and says “thank you.” Get belligerent and throw the bottle at the screen; why do people on TV always act like God lives on the ceiling?
-The mother, Annie, flips out because of her psycho-menopause hormones and bitches the Rev out. Highly entertaining.
-The cross-eyed boy flubs one of his lines and his eyes cross. Beautiful! What must it be like to be the only non-freakishly attractive youth on the WB? Ponder this as you have your second shot.
-Whenever the whole family appears in church sitting in the front row, trussed up like prize pigs and smiling like they wouldn’t rather be wanking or bumping rails off a hooker’s ass. Take an additional drink if the Rev’s sermon is inspired by a problem the family’s been struggling with for the whole hour.
The following category is for advanced drinkers ONLY:
-Anytime a character meddles with another character’s life by eavesdropping, passing on gossip, or giving a character unsolicited advice.
-Whenever the blonde, “troubled” son says something surly.
-Whenever you catch yourself staring, enraptured, at Jessica Biel’s rack, instead of following the dialogue.
C’mon, people. What’ve you got to do that’s so interesting on a Monday night, anyway? Read? HAW! Join me in front of the tube as I swear, twiddle the bunny ears, and finish off a half-empty bottle of Monarch Vodka.