What’s Happening to My Body? / UP BETIMES AND GREATLY CHEERED

Why do I have hair in funny places? Is it wrong to want to look under the vicar’s cassock? CAN I GET ASS PREGNANT BY SOMEONE OUTSIDE OF MY PROFESSIONAL FIELD, i.e. DMV WORKERS?

I have something to add to the annals me not being able to figure out what is happening to my body. I think I mentioned recently I hurt my shoulder in September and that I was going to physical therapy. I think I hurt myself in yoga, which is like the most pathetic white lady thing that could ever happen to anyone, except for recently when my heels were too high and I edged off the sidewalk and went ASS OVER TEAKETTLE and splashed my face with my short double soy mocha, why no lid? PNW white lady environmentalism. Flying Spaghetti God smite me now. I went down like LiLo after you tell her you think you dropped some crack crumbs in your pubes.

Wow, where was I? After Christmas my shoulder was slowly improving week by week, but I was afraid I was broken. Numbness, pain at rest, trouble sleeping, limited range of motion in the arm, an inability to lift it from a laying position. I was literally moving my arm around at times with my right arm, which is not so great itself thanks to carpel tunnel (en Francais: tunnale with cheese). My co-dependent dog slept with Franny the other night and was FRANTIC about seeing me in the morning after an excruciating separation of 8 (unconscious) hours. I was turned away from him on my side and he was dancing and snuffling and whining to try to get me to turn over so he could lay on my (bad) arm. Horace is the king of spooning.

I lifted my arm slowly and carefully as I rolled over. When I got about halfway there, I heard this incredible CRACK in the joint–the loudest pop I have ever heard in a joint in my body. That knuckle cracky-endorphin feeling flooded through my entire body. I sat still for a moment, trying to figure out what happened. I moved my arm slowly and it moved, without help. I stood up and my range of motion was back. I was still kind of sore in the joint, but it felt like residual soreness and not like something that continued to be cranky. The next day was even better. I have discovered something, though, in walking around work yesterday. I’ve stopped swinging my arm when I walk. And I hold it differently when I stand and type. I’ve been swinging my arm around (gently) for no real reason. And you know what else? In about a week these five or so months will be forgotten because that is how I roll.

Confidential to someone who would probably be embarrassed if I called her out by name. *cough* Here is a boring set of charts about employment outcomes for people during this depression we’re in. I know a lot of people are underemployed, but some work is better than no work? I know, I know, who knows what things will be like in 4 years. College isn’t for everyone, nor is it needed by everyone. But hey, you are already there.

In summary:
1. What else could you be doing right now? If you answer “chick sexor” then can I job shadow you and you have my permission to drop out, but this is the only exception. Stay warm and dry while you’re sucking up some learnings and not just trapped behind a cash register with little hope of improvement.
2. College can make you interesting. Yeah, you can absorb up learnings on your own, but those survey classes you are suffering through now will get you into the pants of someone at a party later, or get you a job because you can talk about a breadth of subjects. It’s great for making connections. You will have depth of whatever your focus was to keep that job once you get it.
3. Seattle sucks in January. Everyone knows it. It can really fuck with your perspective and energy. Look at me. My Halloween post is still visible on my blog and that’s sad, but I am out of gas. I go to work, I come home, I try to let my friends know I am not dead and make sure they have not died under hoarder piles or something. I will come out of my crypt again in April.

Complain about it like we all do, drink juice, visit the Sun Shoppe, take your vitamin D and pray for Pineapple Express in February this year. Listen to your body–schedule more sleep when you need it, but try to exercise too. Things will start blooming very soon, which is so cool.

ALSO STAY OFF THE PCP. SANDY, BE A BUMMER. WHEN YOU MAKE YOUR FIRST MILLION, CUT ME A CHECK. BECAUSE I WILL BE LIVING ON CAT FOOD THEN.

8 Responses to “What’s Happening to My Body? / UP BETIMES AND GREATLY CHEERED”

  1. AnEmily says:

    I was going to be productive and now I just want to watch After School Specials all the live long day. THANKS.

  2. iasshole says:

    DON’T BE A BUMMER, AnEmily. I promise I will take you to the mountains this weekend.

  3. AnEmily says:

    Everybody does this?

  4. iasshole says:

    That’s right. Now stop being a square and defenestrate yourself.

  5. dorrie says:

    Pearls, I tells ya. In Spokane ’tis most dreary with dirty snow and ice laying about everywhere. You must wear many layers of dingy clothing. The house smells like dog because you can’t get any air circulation. Your hand is turning into a claw because you are clutching your ipad all night watching lame documentaries because you have watched everything else good. You have forbidden yourself from buying box o’ wines because that’s trouble with a capital T. And the blooming comes so much later that you must drive to Seattle for a weekend in March just to see some color again. But, I digress.

  6. iasshole says:

    Funny you should mention that…I have an empty box of wine on my counter from Target that I have been too lazy/achy to crush. But I can do it now that I have the strength of ten Jean Valjeans!

  7. A says:

    I have a shoulder thing that comes and goes and I know that pop and relief feeling. Doctor said it was shoulder bursitis. Something about the bursa (Dr. called it a “piece of grease”, heavy medical terms!) getting pinched by other bones something something.

  8. JB says:

    best afterschool special of all time was the “don’t do roids.” The one starring Ben Affleck.