Good news: I have had four nights of unbroken sleep for the first time since the baby was born eight months ago. Now that I have come out of my haze, I have discovered a few things.
1. My house is a mess. But you know what, no one died while I was too tired to clean it so…eh. Somehow I managed to keep the baby clear of the broken glass pile and the lit, unattended cigarette corner, so yay for me!
2. I can focus again, and have pleasant conversations with people. I have had the following conversation with more than one person in the past few months:
“How are you, SJ?”
“Oh, fine, good.”
“How’s the baby?”
“She’s good! She’s pulling up and clapping a lot.”
“What’s new with you?”
“….”
“SJ?”
“I…don’t know….”
“Are you still there?”
“Who is this?” To companion: “Someone left the phone on again.” (hangs up.)
3. I AM HAPPY. I laugh at my companion’s jokes again. Paradoxically (wow, my grown-up words are coming back), the happier I am, the more cantankerous I am. So no more “I, Semi-Coheranthole,” or “I, TooTiredToGetUpAndPee-hole.”
I, ASSHOLE. I will be perpetrating some badness on someone somewhere soon, and it will be like you were actually there, just wait.
4. In my circle (read: people who are contractually or financially obligated to spend time with me) I am known as a person who loves gossip magazines. I love Hollywood gossip like my cat loves humping socks. I can tell you where Britney Spears is RIGHT NOW (at her divorce lawyer’s office; later she’ll be at Fred Segal’s with a giant mocha-latty). People think I have no life (okay, true), but in reality gossip magazines are like a drug that has no harsh side effects. But the good thing is that now that I have slept, I can distinguish fantasy from reality. So I know that this is a real picture.
Urgent memo to butterflies and unicorns: Release Mimi. You’ve had her in your evil, iridescent clutches long enough.
I wanted to be a mermaid when I was eight. Now I’m damn glad I went to college…so I could be a stay-at-home-mom. DOH! *rimshot*
Reality: 1 (Yes, I have returned to you, sweet reality.)
SJ: elevendy points for sleep!
Daniel, trying to get me to stop writing about ASS HORNS: 0!
hurray for sleep!
damn, mimi’s really pushing them out there, too. how does she do it? i keep waiting for even a tiny sag, but the plastic surgeons seem to keep ahead of the cameras.
I love how the severed hands grasping her breasts are all white-knuckled.
Nobody perpetrates badness-even semi-coherent badness-like Asshole!
The shellbikini thingy actually looks like irridescent baseball mitts… Now that would be a real fashion statement! I guess they weren’t actually trying for funny, though.