UltimateBadassss9: Sup, SJ.
SuperJive: Hey who is this? I don’t have my gchat on.
UltimateBadassss9: I know you don’t have it on.
SuperJive: Is this spam? I don’t want porn.
UltimateBadassss9: lol. This is God speaking.
SuperJive: STFU
UltimateBadassss9: And don’t be ridiculous. Everyone wants porn.
SuperJive: Well, I don’t want porn RIGHT NOW. What do you want?
UltimateBadassss9: No, seriously. Look at my user name. And I logged you in myself.
SuperJive: Why are you IMing me?
UltimateBadassss9: If I burn a bush, then someone immediately whips out their cel and calls the FD.
SuperJive: Okay, fair enough. What do you want to chat about, “God?”
UltimateBadassss9: Don’t think I’m not detecting sarcasm here. I thought you might like to chat for a while. It seems like you have a lot on your mind lately.
SuperJive: That’s true. I was at the bank the other day and CNN was on and the screen said something about nuking Iran. I think that’s a super bad idea, don’t you.
UltimateBadassss9: I don’t know. I don’t really make judgments about stuff like that.
SuperJive: What happened to “thou shalt not kill?”
UltimateBadassss9: That wasn’t me, that was Charlton Heston.
SuperJive: Oh, snap, good one, god. lol
UltimateBadassss9: Are you sucking up to God?
SuperJive: No, sir.
UltimateBadassss9: Ha ha, J/K.
SuperJive: You suck.
SuperJive: Hey speaking of, did you hear that Gwyneth Paltrow just named her baby “Moses?”
UltimateBadassss9: Yes, I did. What happened to Banana?
SuperJive: Since you would know if I’m humoring you, I’m just going to come out and say that joke is very 2005.
UltimateBadassss9: Okay. lol
SuperJive: Anyway, if we bomb Iran, and China bombs us, and everyone else gets in on it, you’re going to have a lot fewer believers. As an abstract concept, it’s people’s faith that keeps you “alive.” Do you care about that?
UltimateBadassss9: Well, I can counter that argument by saying that historically, in times of turmoil, people are more fervent in their beliefs.
SuperJive: So one black plague-infested peasant is worth three twenty-first century disease-free Westerners?
UltimateBadassss9: Realistically, maybe four.
SuperJive: Wow
UltimateBadassss9: And you have to remember that no matter what happens, I will just transform into whatever people need me to be. I’ve been a dude for a long time, but I started in human consciousness as a female, the literal giver of life. I’ve been splintered into many gods with cat heads or fins or have been just the sun.
SuperJive: SO if we all nuke ourselves and turn into zombies, you’ll get blue flesh.
UltimateBadassss9: Well, I don’t think that’s very likely.
SuperJive: You can take loaves and fishes and turn them into BRAAAINS
UltimateBadassss9: This is why I don’t talk to people from your century very often.
SuperJive: Suddenly transubstantiation will become a lot more literal. “Eat of my delicious, delicious flesh….”
*UltimateBadassss9 has logged off at 10:46 am*
SuperJive: God? Come back!
SuperJive: I didn’t get my three wishes!
SuperJive: Dammit.