Tom Cruise Audiodiary: “Sunday, May the Fifth”

“Euuuhhh, yeah, so things are wonderful with Kate, the woman I inseminated completely on my own in a very, very heterosexual way. Couldn’t be better. Fabulous.

“Well, they’re mostly wonderful. Now that she’s been missing sleep with our little Elrhonda, euuuuh, I mean, Suri, she seems a little, I don’t know, confused sometimes. I take her by the hand so she doesn’t wander off.

“I think…maybe…sometimes I see a flicker in there…there’s something that tells me she can remember her old life. (Note to self, up Kate’s “vitamin” dosage so she will take more naps.) I tell her that her thetans are acting up and then give her a few shocks with the E-Meter, and then she’s okay again.

“Cruise out.”


This is a cry for help if I ever saw one.


When Strudel was tiny I didn’t know if I was coming or going, but by god I could tell whether or not my damn flaps were up or down. Poor thing. Lost all sensation above and below the neck.

8 thoughts on “Tom Cruise Audiodiary: “Sunday, May the Fifth”

  1. She doesn’t even look like the same person. It’s like he’s replaced her entirely, starting with the brain and ending with a complete body overhaul. It makes my brain hurt.

  2. Holy shit, she looks horrible! Poor thing, when she regains consicousness and realizes what she’s done to her life she’s going to freak out!

  3. LOL – The scary part is… maybe Tom likes her with her flaps down or has requested that she make herself ‘milk ready’ 24-7 as per their contractual agreement. :/

    It’s also interesting to see how much weight these people gain when they stop artificially ‘slimming’ for the cameras. I guess this is her ‘natural’ form?

  4. I think it’s just post baby bloat. As weird as this pregnancy was, I think there was a real baby. (Whether it was Cruise’s or not is another story.) Immediately post-partum she had the swollen face of a newly spawned woman. But I suspect the starving starts now, which sucks because nursing makes you huuungry!

  5. I think Cruise hired L. John Revolta to impregnate Kate. They’ve described the kid as having lots of black hair and bright blue eyes. If she’s kind of simian and breaks into spontaneous dancing, we’ll know I’m right. Allegedly!

  6. Now, see, I was just thinking that she looks damn slim for someone who had a baby mere days ago. I mean, yeah, she looks like she was hit by a truck, but, again, I figured that was normal for someone who just “silently” squeezed a volkwagon out of her snatch. But, then again, I wouldn’t know – I sure as shit ain’t birthing no babies!

  7. Whoosh! Poor Katie looks like one of us now! Speaking as a post-lactator, I never seemed to have a problem with keeping the flaps us either. Perhaps Tom needed a little milk to go with his cookies?

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