DRAMA! HANGOVERS! I SHOVE PEOPLE INTO POOLS! Next on “Snakes on a Motherfucking BlogHer!”
So BlogHer happened. For those who have no idea what that means, I’ll give it to you in a nutshell. BlogHer is a big meetup that was held in San Jose, California. It was created to give women bloggers a chance to meet and discuss techie (what I think of as the “container”) issues and content issues, as in what we write about. I am a content person, so I was glad I missed day one, which focused on container issues.
I flew in for the day one cocktail party, however, so I could have a little extra time out-of-town and so I could meet some women that I’ve been dying to see. I think the first person to espy me was Badger of Badgerbag and Badgermama (among other blogs). She introduced me around to some really cool women. Then, Squid, who I met a couple of months ago (brag brag), materialized at my side and introduced me to the cool and laid back Jo from Spanglemonkey. I met some of the people from Bad Mom’s Coffee, like Mary Tsao, who is one of those very intense and present people that you want to start confessing things to immediately. I hope that doesn’t sound lame, because Mary was way cool.
I plunged right in and started yakking with everyone in sight. The first thing I noticed is that a side effect of gathering all these bloggers was DRAMA. There was a rumor that someone else claimed to be Jo Spanglemonkey in a group session. Imposter! Somewhere there are pictures of me gleefully pushing Badger into the pool, and then her sister, Minnie, who was passing out stickers with her blog on it that had a little bird saying “fuckity fuck fuck”. YES! POOL PUSH! BAM! It was Dynasty all over again, people. (Thanks Halfwaythere, since I found your flikr. If anyone else knows where the others are, could you please email me at pleathertaco@iasshole.org.)
After I pushed Badger and Minnie into the pool, W1ndows L1ve Spac3s came up to me and stuck a mic in my face, and I managed to say “vagina” and “asshole” 78 times in 3 minutes. When asked what my blog is “about” I say that it is about things I have gotten stuck in my snack trap. Yes, that’s what we’re calling it now. The camerawoman and the interviewer could not keep their shit together after that.
The sun went down, and I ran into the very sincere and charismatic (in a good way, not in a car saleman way) Kirk of recoverywehicle. Kirk emailed me after BlogHer ’05 because he heard my blog mentioned there in regards to people who had been fucked over in divorce court with their blog because they appear to be human beings and not saints who are shitting out popsicles made out of holy water or something. I talked with Kirk the next day too, and I really like that guy and his blog.
Men were definitely in the minority there, but the ones I ran into were nice. I say this because I know there’s a lot of flap going on with the whole “I am a dude and I went to BlogHer and Holy Cabrini Green, did you know that those girls actually know how to fling some code around?” thing. coughcoughDAVEWINERcoughcough. I know, can you believe it? I thought XML was a clothing size or something. I am so proud of my blogging sisters who fight their way through their haze of PMS and code their very own mash books. Badger has a better critique here.
Let me conclude day one by saying that I drank WAY TOO MANY well vodka martinis (I are a genius) and spent a lot of time standing in the pool up to the hem of my dress. I ended up in the hot tub and ordering room service for, well, many foxy jiggly bikini girls. Badger bunked in my room, which sadly smelled of mold (the room, Badger smells like tearoses and brilliance), and I had a strange dream about her. We had room service again before decamping and I was impressed to see that she can have a meaningful conversation and blog at the same time. I…can’t. Hee. Badger and I both took pictures of me wearing heart-shaped pasties, which they were giving away, pictures which won’t see the light of day until I become famous and Badger sells them.
Next Time on Snakes on a Motherfucking BlogHer: The sponsors. Oh my sweet baby Buddy Christ, the sponsors. The panels. Other bloggers assume I was at the Mommyblogging session, because haven’t you heard? I spawned twice. Lesbians assume I’m married. More vagina. I win a prize for my “writing.” I meet the awesomest blogger who ever blogged.
Oh, PS, here I am fnuggling SueBob’s red stapler. It was fun to meet SueBob!
Hey! Sounds like a massradcool time. Those pics of you are super lovely. I never knew that blue suited you so well.
oh yeah! you bought me food! heh. thanks dude it was yum i imagine.
i need your snail mail address now so i can send you a nice warm quesadilla.
I loved how that one bartender totally knew you. You’d go up, and he’d kind of laugh, raise his eyebrows, then pour half a bottle of vodka into a king-size plastic cup and swoosh it around with a fistful of olives.
What will happen to that livespazzes interview?
Search the tags on flickr for “blogher06” and you are in like EVERY THIRD PHOTO. it was kind of awesome to witness, for those of us lamers who are scared of things like actually attending Blogher.
snip
“Let me conclude day one by saying that I drank WAY TOO MANY well vodka martinis (I are a genius) and spent a lot of time standing in the pool up to the hem of my dress. I ended up in the hot tub and ordering room service for, well, many foxy jiggly bikini girls.”
/snip
Ah ha! So that was YOUR roomservice tray I saw in the hall the next morning about seven. The one with what appeard to be the shriveled carcass of a hamburger with fries and way too much ketchup and, excuse me, three – or was it four? – pieces of yellow cake with choclate frosting? It was the kind of hotel food detritus that sits there on the floor silently screaming out a story of drunken, wanton hotel bachanal. I was certain I would find a thong amidst the napkins had I looked.
Which I didn’t.
Foxy, jiggly bikini girls indeed!
I loved meeting you! You, m’dear, are incredibly fun. But I knew you would be.
HI Lola! Long time, no chat. :'(
Here’s where I get to feel like an asshole. I saw you so many times but didn’t want to walk up and say, “Hey! Remember how you were going through that really hard time with your husband and the in laws? And HOLY SHIT! My relationship with my in laws split itself wide open and blar blardy blar….”
It’s all so hectic and crazy and these conversations just don’t seem okay for someone you just met. But now I’m feeling even more like an ass for seeing you and not saying anything. I can’t win being me.
OMG, you are more hilarious than they said. I found you a few days ago through the BlogHer aftermath, but didn’t make it back to read your Part 1 post until now. Sweet Jesus, what a fun place you have here. I’ll be back. Often.