Ah, that felt good.

Dear MF Jank-Ass Super Princess Mashbook of Assmittentry,

1. Toddler Sabbatical

This weekend, I was Companion-less, because he went to Portland to visit his family. He came back all amazed by the fact that he was able to sit down and…have real conversations with his family.

“It was like…I don’t know,” he said eloquently. “They are so interesting.”

“Was it like, not chasing a toddler around? Because I find that makes conversations better,” I said.

Then I could see the little PIF bubble that appears above cartoon character’s heads when they are gobsmacked by something.

“Yes,” he said. “I was not chasing a toddler around.”

Time off is awesome, isn’t it? I am so glad I could go to California last month. Which makes me realize, I totally forgot to post about staying in San Francisco after BlogHer.

2. So Long, and Thanks for all the Testicle Weights

My friend Supa, who was staying in San Francisco this summer, invited me to stay with her after BlogHer ended. I stayed from Saturday night until Monday morning. I had been at the conference all day, so I was totally tired on Saturday night. We stayed in and relaxed and I was in bed pretty early like the big (well-rested and youthful-looking, snerk) lamer that I am.

Sunday was a day for wandering around. It was weird to be in a “real” city where people on the street actually come up and talk to you. Plus it was dirty and had wide sidewalks that were not being gobbled up by pine tree roots. I looked up and saw the sun.

Figure 1: The sun saw me, too.

It was confusing to be out of the PNW, but I enjoyed it. I had a shopstravaganza at the original gangster LUSH store (In the U.S., anyway) downtown. It was beautiful. I felt like one of the sales clerks there was macking on me, because she kept staring at me and said I looked familiar, but, hey, maybe I just looked familiar. She gave me a free sample of some moisturizer that is so expensive I could probably trade it for a giant spliff or a Big Gulp cup full of gold doubloons.

I almost asked her if she wanted a piece of my hot ham pie, but I consulted my to-do list and realized she was not on it. She really dodged a bullet, didn’t she?

In the afternoon we went to the Dore Alley Fair. If you asked me what the mission statement of the Dore Alley Fair was, according to me, a rube who walked in off the street, it was to present a cavalcade of leather daddies. It got so crowded at one point that Supa and I could hardly move. And yet, I have never felt so safe in a crowd in my life.

Figure 2: Now I know what sperm feel like.

In a crowd of that many men, maybe one extremely foolish man out of 100 will hit on me. Here, I was completely invisible, which was a blast. When we got really jammed in, I almost felt bad for boobing on those mens. “Sorry I am touching you with my dirty pillows!” I wanted to say. But they didn’t care. Those leather daddies were too busy humiliating each other, drinking beer, and checking out the (non-beboobed) scenery.

Figure 3: Alas, I was wearing sandals.

Figure 4: Are you a good cop, or a bad cop?

Figure 5: Muffin tops: not just for the mall or university campus anymore.

Figure 6: Kneel, pig!

Speaking of porny things, Supa got a new cat while she was in SF! He’s hairless! OMFG! He was menacing my phone while I was trying to pack. A hairless cat is so wrong…it’s right. He would stalk me and grab my legs and instead of the normal “thump” his chest and arms made a “slap.” FREAKY!

Figure 7: Watch out, ladies! Tupac enjoys licking his highly visible balls, stalking, and sleeping on houseguests’ heads.

Figure 8: Here is a normal cat for comparision. That makes it even weirder! Tupac licks his homie, Biggie.

3. Cupcakes for Toothless Pieholes

Last night we went down to Ballardtown to celebrate Franny’s lost tooth. We went to Cupcake Royale. Franny had a Peppermint Party, which she really enjoyed. I had a “Kate” (chocolate cake with pink buttercream), Strudel had a mini-Kate, and my Companion had a yellow one with chocolate frosting. They were dreamy! I loves that place. I am going to start yanking teeth to save for when I have the PMS.

4. PS Everything Else

AAAND, today we had a frenzy of back to school shopping since Franny is going to be in FRANCE at the beginning of September. FRANCE. Can you believe that shit? Five years old. DOOOD, no FAIR! Her other house is taking her with on their honeymoon. Every single person I have told about this says, “Hmm. Kids on the honeymoon, eh? That doesn’t sound like much of a honeymoon” And I am well-behaved and don’t say, “Well, they won’t be having sex anyway.” YERT! But I can tell you that.

Franny is slightly conflicted about the France thing, because it is cutting into her first week of school. She is really excited about going back and isn’t excited about Europe the way a grown-ass person would be. But I think she’ll have fun.

With her out of town, this leaves it to me to attend the back-to-school picnics and teacher meetings. It appears that I am the only one on the mailing list, which I am not inclined to change. It’s funny how that happened after we came to be the only ones paying tuition. Oh, illusions of control, how I relish you.

Also, I have finally really internalized something, after years of suspecting it: Franny is one of those low-sensory threshold kids, especially when it comes to clothing. I have spent many walks with her listening to her complain non-stop about a tag or a seam or a problem with the tongue on her shoe. So this year for school shopping I tried to be extra-careful to buy cotton and soft clothes without high collars, and I am going to watch for tags and problematic seams. It’s pretty minor, so I think just being aware will help.

I offered to get her some shoes like my super-rad Airwalks, and she chose some sweet-o Vans with a penguin design that have no tongues or laces. And I bought them at Nordstrom, so if they aren’t working out, I can take them back. Motto: Quispiam Reductum Whineum.

Figure 9: Back to school with FLAVA. Werd.