France Can Have Them

So it just got better. And by better, I mean felonious.

Remember yesterday, when I told you that I reminded SeaFed and Lady Federline that they needed a notarized permission letter to travel out of the country with my child? Yeah. Guess how that information was processed? I get this email this morning:

Subject: “written permission for Franny to travel”


Hi SJ,

Thanks for bringing up the notarized copy today. In
lieu of that I drafted a quickie letter of permission
signed by “you”, per your suggestion, with your phone
# just in case we need it. I appreciate you being so
flexible about this whole thing. I’m sure I’ll have
a chance to reciprocate soon.


PER MY SUGGESTION? Bitch, I did not tell you to fucking forge my name on a letter you should have gotten months ago. That little addition was pretty slick, I must admit. Way to make it look like it was my idea.

I printed off the email and called the non-emergency police line and told them that my ex-husband just emailed me and told me he was forging a letter to take my child out of the country. If there’s one thing I learned from my lawyer, it’s to get a record of EVERYTHING.

The cops came and an officer took my side of the story. I made it really clear that I was not okay with him forging my name for anything. They detained SeaFed at his house. It turns out they were leaving today.

He called me later and tried to get me to run down to the bank with him to see a notary, and I ended up telling him I wouldn’t do it. He actually apologized but there was a lot of confusion on his part.

“So are you not okay with her going to France?” he said.

“I don’t care about that,” I said. “You emailed me and told me that you were forging my name. I will not abet your petty crimes ever again.”

At one point he told me that if I was not okay with her going, I could keep her with me for the next two weeks and just they would go. I told him that that was a shitty choice–now I get to choose to be a beast and keep my kid home on the day of the trip? I told him that what I wanted from him was to follow the rules, and assume that I never, ever want to break the law with him.

“Your moral compass is so shaky…this is why I don’t trust you. This is why I’m never alone with you anymore. I can’t believe you are dragging your new wife into your dumb schemes,” I said.

“It looks like there was a misunderstanding,” he said.

“THERE WAS NO MISUNDERSTANDING! I did not tell you to forge my name!”

“Okay, it was a mistake then. But you said that….”

“I said that you all have the same last name, and that That Poor Woman and I have the same initials! I said that you might be able to get through with just Franny’s passport.”

He tried to get me to make a verbal agreement on the phone that it was okay for him to take her. I said that wouldn’t do any good, because he would just say whatever he wanted to later.

I also talked to Franny’s stepmother, who sounded annoyed with me for not cooperating at the last minute after SeaFed forged my name. She said, “Well, we’re in a real pickle right now. Are we going to find cops waiting for us at the airport?”

I told her that I didn’t care enough to monkeywrench them at the airport. I think it’s been clear, for anyone in my real life, and anyone who follows this that I didn’t care if she went to France or not. My concern was that I knew they were forging my name.

I told her that I was not married to him anymore, and that I would never go along with anything illegal that he was doing ever again, no matter how minor. Her reply was that she thought I was giving her the go-ahead for them to do it too. That’s what’s so fucked up about all this. I stood in front of both of them yesterday, and was basically like, “Good luck at the airport. Idiots.” I did make the observation that the airport people might not notice that Franny didn’t belong to both of them. But I did not say to make up a document.

This is so fucked up, because 1) they could have taken care of this weeks ago; 2) even if they forged my name, it wouldn’t be notarized; 3) they were willing to forge a letter to get Franny out of the country. If SeaFed made the same suggestion to me, I would say, “No thanks, we’re going to do this the LEGAL way;” 4) they thought this was about me not wanting Franny to go to France with them; 5) they were both trying to make me feel bad for being uncooperative after all this.

HOORAY, once again I get to be the crazy uncooperative ex-wife. They will probably get through, because SeaFed is apparently smiled upon by the patron saint of fucking morons.

21 thoughts on “France Can Have Them

  1. Granted they are going to France, which is a reasonably hospitable country to Americans. But just in the small amount of international travel I’ve done, I’ve noticed how shitty getting on the wrong side of the law can be. This is an awesomely stupid thing they are doing. It is a particularly bad idea because they are doing it with two children who will freak the fuck out if they don’t get their naps and snacks on schedule, let alone if they get stuck in a holding cell.

  2. That is the craziest and stupidest thing I have ever heard. I used to be married to someone like that.

    I know it sucks that you still have to deal with him because of the kids, but just think…YOU GOT OUT ALIVE.

    Keep up the posts! I am dying to know how this turns out. I have been to France. They don’t screw around when it comes to the law. :)

  3. Christ. What an idiot. I was thinking about this last night: you do have a plan for when they get to the airport and Franny can’t get on the plane, right? Ready to go and pick her up and comfort her? Because I can’t imagine how he possibly envisions it ending well; it’s almost like THEY don’t want to take her, but they’re trying to think of a way to blame it on you.

  4. I love how it’s positioned so that it’s All Your Fault if she can’t go to France. WTF.

  5. A classic asshole maneuver. Make it all your fault for not being “reasonable” when he had plenty of time to do it correctly. And the most annoying thing is, your daughter is the one who is going to be sad. Dickhead.

  6. You’re way fucking nicer than I am. That asshole’s first clue something was amiss would have been his ass being arrested at the airport.

    I would have told Franny that he was smuggling heroin inside of a penis pump.

  7. Wow. My idiot ex-husband and his girlfriend/wife (she keeps saying they got married, but he won’t confirm) yelled at me on their porch for not letting the children travel with them to the U.S.. No matter how many fucking times I said, “I’m happy to have the children travel with you, but I want you to get a notorized statement that says you will return their birth certificates to me when you return from your trip. Because you didn’t last year. And then you tried to extort a ‘fee’ for me.”


    I feel your pain, baby.

  8. I feel so sorry for you and your hardship but I’m happy that it’s just not me with the very idiotic ex – misery loves company you know :)

Comments are closed.