Weird Al “interviews” Kevin Federline. Al is so much fun to watch.

Solid Potato Salad. Let’s see your Pilates do this, EH?

Debbie Reynolds’ Workout. Florence Henderson, is that you? Shelley Winters is fucking losing it. Where is Liza?

And now we know what Jennifer Aniston’s going to be doing in twenty-five years. And I will be there, twirling my moustache and laughing. That’s right, Aniston. I called you Debbie Reynolds.

In Other News: Wisteria Lane Whiplash

I talked to my big kid, Franny, on the phone the other day. I asked her about school and how things have been. She always sounds like the fourth Chipmunk on the phone. She’s moved up to the next level in her school, so she’s the equivalent of a first grader now. Before xmas she was with the leetle kids, and now she’s doing her half-hour of silent reading every day with the big ones, and working on fractions. Fractions! When I was her age, I was learning to set small fires and swear like a syphilitic seaman. I didn’t get to fractions until college.

I got a wild hair and asked her if her dad had gotten a job yet. Franny said, “Nooo, but he has lots of interviews!” Then she let it slip that one of his friends might set him up in bartending.

Which is hilarious, because over the xmas holidays and snowdays Whippet and I were hanging around banging our kids together and trying to stay sane, so we were gabbling about whatever popped into our heads.

“I heard your Ex is graduating from college,” she said.

Could it be true? Five colleges, six aborted attempts on his father’s dime, and fourteen years later? He would have his BFA in…MUSIC? That’s fabulous, now he can march off to cure cancer all the while supporting his family in fine style. Everyone must be so proud.

“He needs a job. He got a babymama to pay for,” I said.

“Well, the word is that he’s got interviews lined up–five or six,” Whippet replied. “You know what he should do? He should bartend. He would be SO GOOD at that. With the schmoozing and all.”

“YES,” I said. “You should totally, totally suggest it to him! Will you?”

A few days later Whippet reported back.

“He was dismissive of the idea,” she said. “I tried to tell him I know people who are union and make fourteen bucks an hour plus tips, but no. He compared it to cab driving.”

“Negatively, I assume?”

“Yep.”

He and I had discussed the possibility of him bartending years ago when we were still together, and his main objection was the smoky environment. Now that it’s illegal to smoke in public places in Washington State, this is no longer an issue.

On one hand, I’m glad to see that the seed has taken a little bit of a root. It could be a viable way for him to support his new family, especially if his babymama is working the dayshift. On the other hand, he stole from every job he had, before and during the time I knew him, so I don’t know if he could keep his hand out of the till. There was no till to steal from while he was driving cab, but I found out later he was cheating on his taxes. Plus the being surrounded by booze all day may be an issue. This could go well…or sideways. He has to know by now he can’t do the nine-to-five. (And in this post you can see the kind of lameass, bullshit excuses I used to make for him.)

I feel sorry for everyone around him. I think his dad’s still supporting him somewhat, and I this summer his babymama said something about tapping out her 401K. That’s some expensive sperm. The good news is that I’ve discovered I enjoy long-distance meddling, especially when there’s no real risk (as big daddy will bail him out).

Franny said she missed me and I could hear a real urgency there. I can tell when she’s just being diplomo-girl and when she means it. She said she keeps aking her dad how many days until she comes back to my house. I thought I was the only one who got that question. I never thought the tables would turn like this. When I walked away from him, I thought there was a real possibility I would lose her as well. I think things are a little rough going there right now. The last time she was over she said that her dad is “sooo poor” which is probably causing a lot of stress. Poor kiddo. I get her in about a week, and she assured me she’s on the countdown.