HELP ME, PLZ, or, In Which I Literally Peddle My Ass

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“I knew I would waste my life; what I was unsure of was the manner in which I would waste it.”

Hi, Everyone. You’re looking nice today. That’s a great tie. The knot’s all crooked, but, you know, points for trying. Is your butt smaller? Because less ass is good. Or more. More ass? On occasion my butt can just disappear and then I look like one of those concave-assed sorority girls.

That’s enough chit-chat.

Anyway, I have to ask you for something, and in exchange I will give you something. It will be a thing that will have no cash value, so it will be priceless. But if pressed, I would put a price of about five dollars and nineteen cents on it. Sorry.

1. What I Want

I am trying to get to BlogHer again this year. It was whoa-expensive last year. They are sponsoring a “writing” contest, and the person who gets the most votes wins a free full pass to BlogHer. Wow!

There is no real judging, professional or otherwise, so it is a popularity contest. This is okay with me. I want YOU to vote for me. C’mon, lurkers. I am getting almost nineteen hits a day here (watch out, Alexa Top 10!!!) and you can’t all be looking for “gay humpy poodle porn” and “corndog in vajayjay,” CAN YOU?

2. Here’s the Rub

You need to register on BlogHer to make a comment on my entry, I have heard. I guess that way they know there are unique users commenting. If the prospect of giving up your info to another organization is less than pleasing, then you should know about Pookmail, a disposable email account system. I have used it many times and it’s crazy simple.

BlogHer seems respectful and does not seem to be pimping my info out, but people have gone into the directories and sent me solicitations.

3. “What do I do?”

If you enjoy my “writing” (ho ho ho), help me out.

a. Register an account at BlogHer.
b. Go to this BlogHer node and find my entry here. You don’t even have to read it, but if you do I personally guarantee it will be a pack of entertaining lies.
Look for this picture if you get lost:
sj.jpg
c. Reply that you think that “SJ of I, Asshole” should win the contest.
d. If you’re feeling really generous, you could point people to this entry via a link and ask them to help me out.

Voting closes on Friday, February 16th! That’s this Friday!

4. “Whut’s in it for me?”

Good question. Hold still and stop picking at the scab on your knee and I’ll tell you. For every vote, whether I win or not, I will do something for you. I will answer a burning question you have about me or something else (I am a librarian, I can look shit up) in essay form. I will give you advice of dubious value. I will write something for your website or blog (normal retail value: all I can eat at Panda Express). I will draw you one of my hideous comics. I will draw one of your dreams. If you’re a loc I’ll wash your car. I’ll dust your turnip collection. I am not expecting a total damn handout here just because I have this compulsion that makes me barf up thots onto a computer screen.

If you vote for me and link me, I will do TWO things for you. Yes, I am blatantly bribing you. If artistic merit mattered here, I would not…bribe you openly on my website.

5. IF I WIN: I, ASSHOLE GETS MORE ASS

Last Sunday I fell down the damn stairs. I am a clumsy beast. I got the most hideous bruise that ever existed. It is like the Grand Canyon of bruises. It literally hurts to sit down. A couple of days later, I was engaged in tipsy shenanigans and photographed my ass-bruise. This is what keeps us off the streets at night.

I will post a picture of my sad, bruised ass if I win. This is how badly I want to go. It is not a cute butt either. It’s been indolently loafing for a lot of the winter. I am not proud and raring to show it off. Frankly, a trip to Chicago (airfare, hotel, and pass) is going to be a budget buster for summer vacationing. This would ease the way.

If I don’t win the pass, as I said above, I will give all vote contributors something beyond my hearty thanks.

Thanks, and please don’t hesitate to email me if you have questions, or to berate me at… nodignity@iasshole.org. DROWN THEM in votes. Thank you.

30 thoughts on “HELP ME, PLZ, or, In Which I Literally Peddle My Ass”

  4. Thank you, everyone! We are only FOUR votes away from beating the current vote leader.

    THANKS! I’ll be emailing you all later, or calling you out. I owe you.

  8. Ok so I voted but I might have fucked it up because I don’t see it. Somewhere floating around in the internet is my vote, from sumo wrester. I’ll try again in a min.

  12. I’m almost too dumb to figure out how to vote, but by God I’m going back in now…. COVER ME!!!

  20. SJ – I have a request. I am local and want to have a playdate. Not only will we get along famously, but my son is a month younger than Struedel and I think they would have fun.

    The only thing is, I’m about two weeks from my due date. So timing may be a bit tricky.

  21. Hi Janaya! Let’s talk when this is over. I am very accomodating as far as the new baby thing goes. We can work this out.

  23. I totally feel dirty now for not only am I getting spam as a result of signing up but I had to install old browser because IE7 has a problem with cookies on blogher (grr) so I hope you appreciate the love.

    You have to win, if only to shut you up for a few days! Heh.

  25. OK, so apparently my masters is useless – I cannot figure out how to vote for you! I am logged in…. This is like the one reason I never visit blogher – I find it un-userfriendly.
    Can anybody help a sister out?

  26. If you are logged in, you should go to my entry and hit “reply” at the end of it. You register your vote by making a reply to my post.

  28. I really, really, really want to see your ass, obvs. Also, if I go, I’m not going to the conference, but I’m going to hang with the Byrne Unit and spend the entire weekend drinking like a hobo who just won the lottery. WOOT.

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