Whoa, Schnapples, Mother’s Day is coming AGAIN. What, you still don’t have a present or a clue? Normally I’d just say, “Get with it, Jackass,” but not this time.

I am here to help you, my friends. The first step is to take this Very Special Quiz, created especially for you by the Offices of I, Asshole. And you know this is quality information, as it is presented by a person whose own mother has not spoken to her for a year-and-half. Mad qualifications, yo.

Anyway, this quiz will tell me something about your mother so I can make a recommendation, based on an alignment system found in the popular RPG Dungeons & Dragons. Why not, I tells ya. I set up age and gender (which were required questions) so they have zero affect on your results, so don’t worry about that. Answer whatever you like.

Once you have your results, be sure to come back tomorrow for a Very Special I, Asshole gift-buying guide. Because if you are not participating the the Capitalism machine, you are letting the Royalists win.

Oh, and I DON’T recommend this quiz software. They edit swears, so my website link is 404’d. BOO! Also, they tell you not to write in leetspeak, which is just generically dumb. And you can’t set up the quiz so if the results are very mixed you get a sort of non- or neutral result. I didn’t know they were censoring uneditable things until it was too late.

All that said, enjoy. Sorry about teh typos.

In Other News

The Onion also features a Mother’s Day Guide. Oh yes.

And if you get married in one of these weak-ass piles of corporate booshit, I will laugh at you. Sorry. Wait, NO I’m NOT. Count how many times the word “girls” is used on this website to refer to grown-assed women. And then count the number of instances of the word “women.” Yikes.

Also, snaps to Flea at One Good Thing—an article about sexualizing children’s toys, children, and Brooke Shields. via.