Yesterday, we plumbed the depths of our mother’s psyches by taking an Extremely Scientific Quiz to determine her alignment. Is your mom Good or Evil? Fun or Stodgy? Now that you have that in mind, I present to you the I, Asshole Gift-buying Guide for Mother’s Day.
You can use the placement of the dots on the scientifically-plotted matrix to determine the perfect present. Does your mom skew towards pure “Fun” Evil? Look to the left of the chart. Is she a mix of Stodgy and Fun Good? Look towards the center of the Good continuum.
If your mom is so close to the middle you can’t tell, then I’m sorry you had such a wildly inconsistent childhood. I recommend a fondue set. Or a gift certificate to a major chain bookstore. Surely she likes books…or music…or coffee?
Good luck, friends, and Happy Day Your Ass Got Spawned.
In Other News: Meta Strudel
And FIGHT!
Yesterday I watched the Nightline debate between Kirk Cameron and the Oh Noes Atheists. It was kind of disappointing, because the whole premise to the debate was that Kirk Cameron and the banana dude would prove that God exists using scientific evidence, and without invoking the Bible. In the first part of the debate they immediately invoked the Ten Commandments.
The atheists weren’t that smokin’ of debators, but it was really no contest. I suspect the Mike Seaver and Banana Man were using this as a platform to proselytize and sell product.
I loved what the Atheists said when Banana Man said, “What if you’re wrong?”
“Then we’ll go to hell.”
Classic.
I took a peep at the discussion boards at Nightline and there was a little of that tired, “Oh you morality-free atheists” business going on. It made me think about God and nature and purpose of hell. Is it necessary to have external rule enforcement (threat of hell, the notion of a vengeful god) when you have a code of rules that comes from the outside? I struggled for a long time, and now I have my own code of morality. It really makes me bristle when people imply that atheists have no morality.
Okay, I have to go now. I’m going to the grocery store to stuff some steaks in my pants and then run out. My conscience tells me it’s important to exercise, because I don’t want to be a burden on my children.
There’s No Cookies in the Library, Bitches. Don’t tell SPL that. I like sippin my mocha-latty in the stax.
YOU KNOW, in six years of wasting bandwidth, I have never done a quiz and posted it on this crapheap.
Are you a tour guide? High-five, man! I see SOMEBODY paid attention in their history classes. You obviously know Washington well. That’s awesome.
I thought this was relevant, since I like to dog this place. And now…Seppuku! Or, as I like to send in text messages: :'(
I think I am going to stop writing new entries and just add on to this one for the rest of my life. HAW!
FIGHT! so so awesome.
I fought myself. Me won. Yay.
Steak!!! I bought steak today too! I have it marinating for a bbq tomorrow. Tasty tasty! Strudels video was cute! I kept wondering what she was doing sitting there doing nothing! HAHA Time to find out your mommy gift suggestion. Woot!
Oh silly christians, don’t you know that the bible says that “hell is the absence of the presence of god.” so by definition we’re already in your “hell” and frankly.. it could be worse.
I wonder how long the meta-strudel chain will work? Will she say ‘hi’ to a video of her saying ‘hi’ to a video of her saying ‘hi?’ This is why I’m not ready for kids.
Oh, J.B., you figured me out. Hee.
Holy crappage — I left Seattle 17 years ago and scored a perfect 100% on that quiz (it’s a slow day here in ye olde office). How is it that I can remember what the frakking Apple Cup is, but can’t remember to put gas in my car?
Okay, I lied yesterday about not buying my fun evil alcoholic mother a present. I am so getting her a case of vodka.
I love that you put the shrooms right where my mom scores. Callback!
I took that quiz a while back and scored 100%. I bet you’re not surprised. It’s good to be back in the PNW, where I have lots of opportunity to use the horn while driving.
I took the quiz because I saw it on you LJ!
Awww, my comment yesterday didn’t make the cut. Sad.
It was about the Night of 1000 Stevies — this big Stevie Nicks fest held in NYC every year. It was last night. It looked super cool. I thought if you had Star Trek teleport-abilities you would have gone.
I’m so bummed I didn’t go. I would have loved to dressed up as an Eskimo Stevie Nicks. Alas, my husband was too tired to escort me.
Yeah, that whole “If you aren’t religious, you have no moral compass” shit gets old.
It’s like they believe that atheists/agnostics/anyone who has a faith other than them sit around thinking “Hey! You know what would be fun? impaling the baby on a spit with some bell peppers and roasting it on the weber!”
Dumbasses….
Sorry, krumpy. Lemmie peep ma backend.
ETA: Looks like it got et by the Goombas. I am still having comment problems.
Oh woman, if you don’t become a cartoonist I will have to go and…I don’t know…MAKE YOU.
Girlfriend, that is ROZ CHAST level. Seriously, you need to be famous, the end.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY.
Happy Mother’s Day, SJ!
Happy Mother’s Day, SJ!
Live it up today. Let Companion do all the dirty work.
Happy Mother’s Day, hot stuff!
PS: The Kirk Cameron debate? Awesome. Especially the Atheists’ reaction to the croc-o-duck.
Kirk Cameron IS a croc-o-duck. Or maybe just a crock.
Thanks, everyone. I’d settle for hella paid over famous, though.
I am thinking EITHER a garden gnome OR flowers. Sometimes she is fun, sometimes a little stodgy.
Funny this quiz on Mom’s should mention teabagging…my mom is the one who introduced me to the term in the first place when she forced me to watch Pecker when I was in early high school ( I loved it of course…she knew I would). When I got to college I was the only one who knew what it was (in my crowd anyway- the uninformed bastards). Yay for Mom. And yay for teabagging if that’s your…er…bag.
I aparently failed grammar in high school (probably as a result of early exposure to John Waters)…that first sentence should read “Moms”…not “Mom’s”. I’m a disgrace.
Hi Hope, I heard recently that Mr. Waters actually coined the term, so it’s taken a while to spread. I took my sister to that when it came out, and we said “HAIL MARY FULL OF GREASE!” for years.
Hahahaha, that’s exactly what I thought she was saying too. My favorite line in the whole movie is “I’m not a fag Ma, the fags blow me, I don’t blow them!”, which said in a Baltimore accent sounds more like “I’m not a fag Ma, the fags bloo me I don’t bloo them!” I love John Waters. You know what else I love? Your blog.