Am I special? You bet your fucking webbed toes I am.

I was thinking today that all we are can be summed up by our likes and dislikes. Isn’t that it? You can’t tell what’s cranking around in a person’s brain until they start reacting, right? I don’t want to hear about DNA or brain scans. What’s imporant is all the shit you should talk about on a first date, but don’t cause you’re scared that if you say “well, I happen to LIKE the taste of my own semen” you won’t get to see that person’s no-no place. These are not easy things, these are hard things.

What I Totally Get:

• Ripping scabs off. Repeatedly.
• Plucking eyebrows until you look attitudinal, even while smiling.
• Spanking naked butts, any age or gender.
• Eating the seeds of everything. I will not be one of those suckers standing around, spitting out watermelon seeds.
• Cat fuzz therapy.
• The pleasures of smashing and destroying something that took hours to create.

Things I Don’t Get:

• Why Rob Schneider is not an international superstar, since he is so damned sexy. Oh, wait. Am I the only one who has a thing for short, weird-looking men who star in horrible movies? Come on, you know that fake-leg part in Deuce Bigalow was money. Heather Mills be damned, I say, fake parts are funny.
• GIANT dildoes with REALISTIC veins, and OMG hair.
• People who are so repressed that the first time you see them drunk, they tell you a bunch of depressing shit about their lives. Our post-finals pub night comes to mind here. NEVER get drunk with a bunch of forty-something future librarians. NEVER. Let it out when you’re sober, people.
• Speaking of, why do I always fall prey to the Fast Food Fairy when I’m drunk and out and about. Why? Why? Last week I had three lemondrops and a beer, and there I was at Taco Bell, all queued up and ready to hurl. The Bell gave me and my sober friend food poisoning. Will I go back? YES.
• Staying up late and then complaining about it. This was supposed to be a list about other people’s stupidity, but once again, it’s all about ME. Me tired, me no go to bed. Me stay up and write in blog and google “giant dildo with veins.” Me have no life.
• People who don’t have lives, and then talk smack about others. God I wanted to link someone else here, but I can’t think of her url. She was from Canada and so annoying and horrible…would whine about not being linked on your blog and then not link you. Also posted a picture of herself with a giant zit on her nose once. That was pretty cool.

Ah, me. Time for bed.