Twelve Times, In Case You Were Wondering

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I came upstairs to wash my face and the girls were playing in Strudel’s room. Strudel was naked. Well, she was wearing fairy wings and a knit hat, but people were pretty sure that Olympia was naked when Manet painted her, so this counts, I think.

“MOM. Strudel is taking her wooden blocks and putting them into her GROSS vagina and they smell HORRIBLE.”

“Block!” Strudel said, waving a block around.

I pulled Franny into the bedroom.

“I don’t like to hear you describing your sister’s body as ‘gross’ and ‘horrible,’ especially her vagina,” I said. “We don’t want your sister to feel bad about herself or her body, do we?”

Franny shrugged. Translation: YES.

“Vaginas are cool,” I said. “Babies come out of them. And only women can make babies. That’s pretty special, I think. And you know, your butt used to smell when you wore plastic pants all day, too. She can’t help that she still needs diapers.”

We talked for a while about all the sparkle magic vagina powers, until we had exhausted the subject. I asked her where she got the idea from that vaginas were horrible, and she said she didn’t know.

“Do your friends say that?” I asked.

“NO. We aren’t allowed to have potty talk at school,” she said.

“Well, it’s not really potty talk…it’s more like something you would talk about more privately.”

There has been a lot of “ew, vaginas” business around for the past year or so. Recently, we were walking by a tree, and I said, “That tree looks like it has a vagina.” (Okay, so I admit it’s hard to have me as a parent in the first place.)

“EW! Tree vagina! Ew, Mom!” Franny said.

“What’s wrong with tree vaginas?” I said.

“Well, at least it’s not a MAN tree vagina,” Franny said.

I dunno, man.

I think I am going to write a song about Special Sparkle Vagina Magic, and I am going to sing it whenever this subject comes up, therefore conditioning her away from saying “ew,” at least. And condition her towards many years of therapy. I was going to write a song about all the things I’ve gotten stuck in my vagina, but this is better.

38 thoughts on “Twelve Times, In Case You Were Wondering”

  2. There’s a lot of “eww, vagina” talk in our culture. It’s total crap. I love that my mom friends are doing their part to change things.

    But I wouldn’t want to play with a vagina block, either. At least not somebody else’s.

  3. “That tree looks like it has a vagina.”

    …Mom?! Is that you?

    Seriously, this sounds like any number of conversations I would have had with my mother 25 years ago. I remember one time when I asked her where the pee comes out. She said it was a very small hole in my vulva, and that I probably wasn’t going to be able to see it.

    I then spent a decent amount of time sitting next to my mother, tugging at my kiddie-bits, saying “Is this it?” (no, that’s your anus.) “Is THIS it?” (no, that’s your vagina.) “MOM, IS THIS IT!?” I remember eventually finding it, but god knows how long it took me.

  4. I would love to hear the Sparkle Shiny Vagina Song.

    Vaginas are not ugly/
    they are super duper cool
    Vaginas sometimes smell funny/
    but douches are old school.

    I dunno. I am not creative enough. Someone pass me a joint and fear my creativity.

  5. Not to be starting sh!t, but she is probably getting it from that “poor woman”

    You’ll be combating those message for…oh…the next 10 years or so

  13. I personally think that it should be set to the tune of “Hollaback Girl”. I don’t know why.

  14. “Lemme see your bagina – Get your own bagina”

    As I tried to explain to my nephews that I recently had to put my very old dog to sleep (and he’s now dead), they jumped to cover their ears and told me that “die” and “dead” are “bad words” that they’re not allowed to use in school. What kind of f’ed up little Flanders morons are we creating? I don’t think those boys have ever *heard* the word vagina and I know for sure that most people these days can’t seem to tell their vulvas from their vaginas (even women).

  15. Vagina has become an all purpose slang term somehow, but it comes off as fairly ignorant. I see that on the celebrity websites–Britney Flashes Vag! But really it’s some alarming bits of labia.

  16. My vagina has a first name
    It’s P-U-S-S-Y
    My vagina has a second name
    It’s S-N-A-C-K B-O-X

    Thank you for doing your part to raise non-vagiphobic ladies who like running around nude. It gives me hope for the future.

  18. Well, let me just remind you that kids love songs and then they will be singing it NONSTOP! Especially when you have people over for dinner parties and at social events. Everyone will be hearing about Vaginas and Crotch Blocks, so you’d better watch out! Since I know that you’re totally going to brainstorm up a song, we need video proof that you’re teached these children appropriately! So share the song damnit! :)

  19. But, you know…maybe The Strudel shouldn’t get into the habit of putting random objects into her vagina just yet. Maybe that’s not totally safe habit to have when you’re a kid. I guess putting things in your ears might be worse, since that can damage your hearing…and vaginas are pretty resilient…sorry. I don’t really know where I stand on this issue, except that I wish my mom had talked to me about my own vagina before my father’s uber-religious sisters got around to it. Life might be kind of different. I might spend less time on Myspace, for example.

  25. Mothering at its finest.

    Daughter is sticking things in on occasion (nudity abounds here–or at least her nudity) and I am all “Hey, don’t hurt yourself!” But maybe this is a bad message! Fortunately, I’m pretty sure she never hears a thing I say if it involves parental correction of behavior.

  27. I am going to drive to your house, stopping only at flea markets, and GIVE YOU SUCH A PINCH.

  28. Love this!

    When I punch the gas in the car, I used to yell to my kids, “hang onto your butts!” Now, in honor of my only daughter, I yell, “hang onto your vaginas!”
    Heh.

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