LISSEN UP BITCHEZ, Professor Owl will be handing out some learnings. So hold still so your ass can get learned.
You know what’s making me crazy humbedy-gah batpoop crackerpants lately? The proliferation of the incorrect use of the word “vagina.”
This egregious trend is especially prevalent on celebrity gossip websites.
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I can only think this has come about because some people find the word vagina funny? I am speculating about this, because I don’t think it’s inherently a funny word. The same way, say, “snickerdoodle” is. Let’s change that sentence above, shall we?
That picture with crabs flying out of Paris’s snickerdoodle?
I think that reads better, and imbues the writer with more funny ha-ha, and less funny-oh-that’s-sad-you-don’t-know-the-names-of-body-parts.
Lesson 1: Vagina
n.: a canal in a female mammal that leads from the uterus to the external orifice of the genital canal.
This vagina is the tube where peens, clean objects, and (if you are unfortunate enough to be in lockdown) drugs go in, and babies and blood come out of.
If you see a celebrity getting out of a car, and they are not wearing panties due to a poor upbringing, intoxication, or because they are using their Unique Specialness as a publicity tool, you are not seeing their vagina.
If you want to see someone’s vagina, you must give them a pelvic exam.
The vagina–that’s where the doctor’s finger’s are. See how the vagina’s all, inside the body and stuff?
Even that might not work. You may have to get one of those clear speculum thinggummies. I have never done this because I don’t want to treat my vagina like one of those glass-bottom boat tours. Others may enjoy this.
The word you are looking for, friends, is VULVA.
Lesson 2: Vulva
n. :the external parts of the female genital organs.
Vulvas are the parts you can see, if they are pantyless, when a celebrity is making her way out of an SUV.
Here’s an example of doin’ it right on a gossip website:
AMEN, brother. Props.
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The last straw for me was when my kid came back yesterday all confused about her body parts.
“So, Mom. The vulva is on the outside, right?”
“Right,” I said.
“And your vagina….”
“Is on the inside. The baby tunnel.”
She frowned.
“What’s wrong?” I said.
Apparently, every time she goes back to her dad’s house, and uses the word “vulva” correctly, her stepmother corrects her and says she should say “vagina.” It is confusing her.
“Well, she just uses a different word,” I said. “You know that your vulva is on the outside and your vagina is on the inside. That’s what matters.”
“Okay,” she said.
REMEMBER! Moses supposes her vagina is outside-her, but Moses supposes erroneously.
We were dancing to this during pancakes this morning.
I get downright twitchy, myself, when someone uses “vagina” as some sort of catch-all (ha!) word. The vagina is ONLY THE VAGINA.
The only exception, for me, is the word “cooter”. I approve of that as a description for pretty much anything below the navel because it’s fun to say. COOTER.COOOOTER! COOTER! COoOoOtER!
ha ha ha vagina.
Oh wait.
I don’t want to see anyone’s vagina. This is precisely why I’m not a gynecologist. I don’t particularly want to see anyone’s vulva either, but that’s why I stay away from the celebs.
Exactly, Violet, exactly. This is why hoo-hoo is okay.
*singin’* Nothin’ Could Be Finer Than Correct Use Of Vagina!
One of my favorite things back when I used to hang out with pagans was listening to the shit pagan chicks would come up with trying to find a powerful-sounding name for their c-unit. The best they could usually manage was ambiguity: “magical passage” and “sacred center” and shit like that.
Then there were the ones who went the other way with it, who treated their twats like pet rocks, coming up with stupid-sounding stuffed-animal names for them. “Button.” My personal favorite was “yoni”. Like the queer Greek muzak dude with the molester mustache.
Unfortunately I was sleeping with that one and she liked to talk about her business so it was all, “Put your thing in my yoni.” Which, you wanna make a straight guy’s dick shrivel up like a stack of dimes, you wait until he’s all up in the moment and then tell him he’s about to slide his cock into Yanni.
That shit’s better birth control than naked photos of Grace Zabriskie.
Not to overshare or anything.
And he’s back!
Delurking to agree. And doesn’t vagina mean “sheath” in Latin, anyway? As in scabbard, like where you keep your sword? Uck.
(Though “Button” is equally revolting.)
And now I’m intrigued – whose owns the “least offensive vulva…”?
Thank you, thank you! May the Gospel of Correct Words for Girly Nether-Regions be spread far and wide.
Mouth is to face as vagina is to vulva.
Amen.
“Mouth is to face as vagina is to vulva.”
Uh… isn’t that more like “throat is to mouth as vagina is to vulva”? I mean, vagina/vulva wise, the face is more like the frame into which the mouth/vulva is set. So face-wise, pubic hair is more of a beard, the bellybutton is an eye and the choad is a chin. I mean, if we have to do vulva/mouth analogies with all they imply (dentata, anyone?).
You’re ace. It’s that whole/hole thing again. I call the vulva ‘vulva’, it’s a great word, mezzo soprano like. Anyways.
Yah, how offensive when vulvas can’t keep their shit together! So much better when they’ve got everything ‘tucked’ up. So much more discreet.
I blame the airbrush and photoshop for everything.
I like snatch. (Take that statement as you will.) I find that term as delightful as cooter and hoo-ha, and I think it describes the overall area nicely.
Are you going to cover the G-spot or female ejaculation?
In freshman year of college one of the frat idiots took it upon himself to educate us on the secret of keeping a woman. “Just shovel it, and roses.” He put two fingers together and made a scooping motion in the air. I will always remember that. I wonder if his wife has extremely scraped vaginal walls and a house full of gaudy red roses at all times.
Hurray for proper terminology!
I’m partial to coochiesnorcher myself, although if the female equipment is the ‘cooch’-it seems like perhaps the ‘snorcher’ ought to refer to the male appendage.
Oh, and you forgot to point out the vestibule, which is my favorite part of the vulva-as in, ‘hey, it’s not like we had SEX or anything, I never went beyond her vestibule!’
;)
:)
I usually refer to it as a hoo-ha or just privates. regardless of what i call it, people need to be keeping their privates in check: I’d like for my gossip section to discuss something else for a week. Maybe some man should bust his privates out when he’s exiting a vehicle. That would be waaaaay more humorous because you can’t just act like hanging out with your wang out is an accident.
I agree with Violet, COOTER is the best word for the lady parts. It’s all purpose and so fun to say! I loved when it appeared in A Dirty Shame, and the line in which it appears has become one of my favorite quotes of all time. “You better start lookin’ in your own backyard Big Ethel, I hear your daughter picked up a bottle with her COOTER at the old folks home.” Brilliance as only John Waters can deliver. :)
Joshua, “yoni” is the (I think) Hindi word, with “lingam” being the word for phallus or penis. Both are used in several translations of the Kama Sutra. I’ve also run across them used in books on paleolithic art from Great Britain in the 50s and 60s, I guess because using phrases like “thrusting cock” and “gaping cooter” weren’t considered polite.
I’m ashamed to say that I refer to both my actual vagina and my vulva as “vagina.” I’m kind of lazy, though. And mostly I use terms like “snatch” or “cooter.”
Every time I think about Eve Ensler I want to spit. Cashing in on “taking women forward” by holding vocabulary back, stupid cow.
You, however, are a breath of delightful fresh air.
Personally, I like pussy. Anybody else?
I’m partial to “hoo-hoo” as well, but quite often I just say “Cunt.”
Being in the South, it’s a sure fire way to get someone pissed off.
And then they act like they’ve got sand all up in their vaginas.
OMG, I lurrrrrrrve pussy.
The problem with using the word vulva is that even though it’s correct…
… people still look at you funny. So I vote for “pussy”.
Also, I must concur that “vestibule” is highly amusing.
Really, though, does it matter what you call it? It tastes the same either way.
OMG! Just came in from a relaxing and enjoyable evening with friends over tapas and several glasses of wine to find this delightful post (and comments)! Hee-larious. Vaginia Monologues really didn’t do much to move women forward, did it? I didn’t find it all that empowering. I wasn’t a big fan of The L Word either, but I did like the whole “bush pride” (or whatever it was) bit from the pilot episode.
Today’s celebutantes are full of Vulva Pride!
Read: http://janesguide.com/wpmu/books/2007/05/17/the-big-coloring-book-of-vaginas/
Is it possible that you and I are twins?
AAG, I’d be proud.
Or, if you’re a Trekkie, you can call it “The Docking Bay” or something similar…
How about saying “I’d really like to run my conduit into her Jeffries tube!”
Um… has anyone ever told you that you need your own TV SHOW? You totally do. You need that. The world needs that. I need it. (At first I typed, “I need tit” — Hmmm. Interesting news, that.)
Yes. Someone did. I AM WORKING ON IT, DAMMIT.
Oh thank you Prof. SJ. But is it the Vulva we see or the pudenda? No, I honestly do not know. The pictures were all blacked out and I am not entirely sure what the outside, drier part is called. (One that in many of us, actually has hair on it.)
OK, I was ashamed of my ignorance so I googled pudenda and found this interesting site:
http://www.cuckoografik.org/pudenda/
I also discovered the term ‘pudenda agenda’ which si kind of catchy.
I think it might be the outer labia? I got that from Webster’s Medical Dictionary. Also, pudenda means something like ‘shameful thing’ in Latin according to the totally unreliable internet and so I think I’m not passing this class. Can I get a mercy ‘C’? I want to go to law school!
Of all the cooter-referencing terms I hate, the only one is pussy. It just sounds like pus – oozing and gross.
Is it possible you haven’t seen the Proper Words song yet? It actually addresses the common confusion between the two terms. After I watched it with my then eight-year-old son, he said, “the funny thing is, you really *do* have a Volvo.”
http://youtube.com/watch?v=TTm5pn9vIlc
Of course, us in the great white north like to refer to it along with what we see in nature and preferably while canoeing. I snuck up on this beaver once and when i was within a couple feet, its tail smacked down to propel it out of harms way. How apropos is it that a beaver should have such a vast tail. Their fur is so soft that all you want to do is stroke it……..over and over til you become mesmorized. Beaver it is!!!
Once was a guest at one of Annie Sprinkle’s lectures and, well, yes, we, as the audience, did have the option of seeing her vagina (and the vulva, labiae of all sizes, and other assorted snickerdoodles).
It required tools, good lighting, and Annie moving her enormous hooters and possessive new girlfriend out of the way first, though.
But srsly, she was kind of funny. I officially like Annie.
I didn’t feel a pressing need to go look at her vag, though. Took a pass.