Today I am sad because Britney Spears has lost her children. I will not qualify this with snarky remarks about her or her fashion sense or driving around with her babies in her lap or whatever. This life is hard, dood.
With my ex-husband moving in a couple of months and our schedule with Franny changing, I have been thinking of how hard it can be to buckle down and be a good parent every day. By good parenting, I don’t mean refraining from appearing topless on a reality show, or choosing milk with that McFatty Meal instead of Diet Coke. I mean doing that little bit extra that takes so much fucking energy. Making good dinners. Really listening instead of “mmm-hmming.” Having a discussion instead of saying, “Because god said so” or whatever.
I have been asking myself what I want to do with this situation a lot. I have to. His first attempt at proper required notice of relocation did not include a required proposed parenting plan, the date of the move, or the new address. You could probably see the letters “WTF” over my head about three feet tall (it’s the new question mark, you know). I replied with, “Um…WHUT?” and he has reattempted, but it is pretty fail also.
Twice now, no proper notice, so I am making decisions that I don’t really want to make. I think when I was younger I would have classified this as Like, Totalleh Unfair, but now that I am older it is worth it to do more work in order to have things happen correctly and to cover your own ass properly, right?
For the past two years, we have been a pretty even fifty-fifty. I am used to this; we all are. Franny has been complaining for the past year and a half that she wants more time over here, but I just figured we were locked in unless I wanted to open the terrifying $50,000 can of worms again. I thought maybe we could make a change when she was old enough to speak on her own behalf in court at ten or twelve, and who knows what that change would be? It might not be the same decision as now. It’s okay.
I also had the thought that if she really, really wanted to be with her dad after this move I would roll over and let her go. It would be painful, but it’s better to see a kid occasionally who’s happy to see you, and to know that they are where they are happy to be most of the time, rather than forcing an unhappy kid to humor your selfishness. But she really wants to stay in her school here and with me. I feel compelled to attempt this for her.
In the meantime I will make good dinners and finish this website Companion and I are building for Franny’s school, and I will try not to grind my molars into little bits of toof dust. Like really try, as the hygienist I saw last week told me my teeth are actually loose right now. I will also ask myself 4,000 times if I am doing the right thing, wish wistfully 7,000 times that things didn’t have to change, and wonder if this will be one of those times where later I go, “if I could do that over again, I would basically do the opposite of whatever it was that I thought I was doing.”
So now I get to do a bunch of legwork that is Like, Totalleh Unfair to make up for his shortcomings in dealing with these proceedings. I may fail at this attempt. I’ll pick myself up again. My world won’t end. But I will see a very disappointed little face if I don’t at least try.
Cutie Patootie in her favorite dress.
You will get it honey, whatever “it” is–you will find the right path and Frannie will be a happy girl. Hope her dad is shooting for the same.
You’re a good mama.
hear hear, heather!
just good on you, sj. it just sounds so hard being a parent at the best of times but all this stuff. she is a lucky duck to have you for a mum :)
Y so SRS? because now is a serious time.
You would have to be complete jackass to not understand that.
Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help out.
Good luck. Would that all mothers were so thoughtful and dedicated.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Thinking of you….
GO, SJ! I don’t think you’ll ever regret putting your writerly talents to work for what you think is the best for your daughter’s well-being. It still sounds like a lot of unfair work — on top of being a good mom. Which you clearly are. Your one tough cookie, cookie. Keep hangin’ and bangin’ as my friend that wimpy investment banker tells me. (I think it refers to a boxing regime, not sure. But I think the metaphor applies here.)
Go get that m’er f’er and pound him into the ground for his stupid entitlement fantasies, yo.
Hang in there; you’re doing the right and good thing. Cheers.
I always wished that my mom hadn’t let us stay with my dad after he remarried and moved. She fought it tooth and nail, but at a certain point she says she decided that maybe the custody battle was doing my sister and I more harm than good. I would have given anything to have gotten to live with her and my stepfather (rather than with my relatively well-meaning/entitled father and his psycho) when I was growing up, especially when I was a teenager and everybody went completely bat-shit insane. I was almost exactly Franny’s age when all that happened. The custody battle was painful at the time, sure, but the fact that she lost hurt much worse and for much longer. You’re doing the right thing. I’m rooting for you and for your intelligent, funny, beautiful little family.
All you can do is the best you can do, little momma.
“Children to the motherly, that they prosper”… You know where Franny belongs: Where she is safe, wheer she is loved, and where she wants to be. If she wants to be with you, you’re right to fight for her. I just hope that there’s minimum damage to all hearts involved. And that you get her.
Arg. This is hard. By the time a kid is around 10, in my experience, they are usually bloody sick and tired of living in two places and have already chosen one to call “home” and one to visit. That’s just the way it is, and parents need to let go of their ego demands and let the child choose. She may change her mind again, but who doesn’t change their minds in this world?
At age 11, mine chose to live with me and just visit his dad and we made it work. Now at 20 he has a really close relationship with both of us, because we let him have some power in the situation instead of making him into a pawn.
Good luck with this S.J….. hoping for the very best outcome for everyone!
You are a powerful force for Frannie, and I know that she loves you for it – I do.
My heart is with you – I can only imagine how heart-wrenching and just shite this whole situation is.
My energy goes to you getting what Frannie needs and wants. I feel that you can and will.
Hang in there, SJ. You’re doing the right thing.
Thanks for your kind words, everyone. It means a lot. I am optimistic, even though I have no right to be, really.
SJ, my stomach hurts for you over this. Tell the truth and shame the devil, my mom used to say. I hope the truth will set you and Frannie free. Love.
My heart goes out to you–that must be really hard. You are a great mom for doing the Totally Unfair things in order to give your daughter what she wants and needs. Keep on keepin’ on–I believe it will pay off in your relationship with her.
Bossy wouldn’t want to see that face disappointed either.
What they said. And, do you have a nightguard to protect your teeth? When I start waking horrified from nightmares that my teeth won’t stop smashing into each other to find my jaw clamped down so tight I’m surprised it hasn’t fractured… Well, it’s time to dig that ol’ nightguard out and take my dentist’s annoying advice for a while.
Take care of yourself, ‘k? When the stressometer is screaming that loud, you know you deserve some serious stress relief.
You seem like a wonderful mom to me, I hope that Franny gets what she deserves, and that is to be happy. I was thinking about “super moms” yesterday and was joking with my husband and how at the last birthday party I took our oldest too. The mom bought a package of Zoo Pals utensils for the kids to use on their home made ice cream faces complete with fresh fruit for eyes and mouths. Then she threw the forks and spoons away. I told him, “I bought those stupid Zoo Pals more than a year ago and they go through the dishwasher!” I guess I’m just cheap, but she’s definately a super mom, going out of her way to make her kids happy at any expense. We all have our moments of “mmm hmmm, now can you PLEASE just go play!” and our “Wow, you did a fantastic job on that picture, and look at the pretty colors you used!” We can’t always be giddy super moms…at lease you’re totally awesome and WANT to have your daughter around!
Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
I’m a divorced kid, and my experience has been that my relationship with each of my parents reflects the effort that that parent put into it. I’m super close with my mom, because my mom is really invested in our relationship (and therefore, I am too). I’m not nearly as close with my dad, because, well, I love him, and he loves me, but he’s something of an emotional doofus, and I can’t carry the entire relationship on my own. BUT: There were years where my mom and I could barely stand to be in the same room with each other, and we fought all the time. I never fought with my dad like that, and yet it would have been really, really bad for me if at that point I had ended up living primarily with my dad. All this to say, don’t give up on holding tight to Franny, ever, even if there are times when it might seem like what she wants. You are the one who is really invested in her, and you are the one that she needs to be with. (And my mom isn’t a super mom, by the way–she’s just a great mom, which I what I think you are too.)
Coming in late here, but; thinking of you also.
I wanted to tell you that your post on Franny’s lunch was totally inspirational and helped me figure out how to do something similar re. the issue of MG’s room. When I read it I thought: Dang. That SJ, she’s one hell of a mom.
I’m no official expert but at my old job I saw a lot, a lot, a lot of parents, good and bad. And that was some kickass momming there, that morning that Franny didn’t have lunch. And it speaks volumes, whole encyclopedias’ worth of volumes, about the relationship you have built up with her.
So–I don’t think you’ll regret trying. And there are a lot of people rooting for you, me not least.