Portland and Back, and Squalor

It’s a glorious sunny day outside and literally, freezing cold. The puddle on the patio is icy. This is the part of winter where you get a little nutty here, in a different way than the days of endless rain. Last week we had a taste of spring, including flowers, and now it’s supposed to snow tomorrow. I am eating bloody toast because the air’s so dry my lip keeps splitting.

Our trip to Portland this weekend was fantastic. We stayed with my companion’s father, who lives in a beautiful old house that has separate areas that used to be the servants’ domains. I like old houses like this, with the old, extravagant use of wood and gorgeous light fixtures, but I’m not crazy about the lack of integration between the domestic and leisure areas. I prefer an open, beautiful kitchen to a closed-off one with a makeover that was obviously meant to be shut off from the dining room. Because of the location of the butler’s pantry and all the doors, you can tell that food was just supposed to magically appear.

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Figure 1: It is delicious to make many small pecks on an apple and then fling it onto the hairy floor. Scream, rinse, repeat.

We had a small dinner party there on Saturday night, with my companion’s brother and his wife, and some old friends. The house’s design had an interesting effect on the flow of our small party. During parties at modern houses, people usually get stacked up in the kitchen. I decided to put cheese and olives out on the sideboard in the dining room, which mostly kept people in one place and not underfoot.

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Figure 2: Playing demo derby with Grandpa’s chairs.

My job was pretty simple; all I had to do was make a lamb roast, which, once you put it in the oven, pretty much makes itself. I had cut slits all over the raw meat and inserted little bits of garlic as the only seasoning. We brought the leftovers home, and now have a giant bone in the freezer, suitable for rendering a cavewoman unconscious or for making stock.

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Figure 3: Obligatory lamb porn.

It was funny to get the leftover lamb from my companion’s dad. He chucked it into a plastic grocery sack and tied a knot on the top, which made me realize the apple doesn’t fall too far, at least in terms of man-Tupperware. I was raised to hermetically seal all leftovers, but you know what? That lamb was fine.

I also discovered something odd in the neighborhood we stayed in. We walked past an adorable house and I asked if it was a bed-and-breakfast. I was told no, it is a special house, though. Apparently the woman who owns it had a ceremony and married it. It’s called the Ladd-Reingold house, and she runs a hat museum out of it. I wish I would have known about the museum when we were there.

Also, we bought a stupid amount of books at Powell’s. Stupid because we are running out of shelf space, and because we spent a lot of money (for us, the thrifty bitches). It’s good, though. I want to put them all on the bed and roll around in them, really. And the portable crib worked! She slept in it both nights. We should get some use out of it this summer and when we go on our honeymoon in the fall.

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Hold Me Closer, Tiny Shatner

I am NOT afraid to tell you that I am getting increasingly interested in William Shatner. I think it started a few years ago when he was spouting poetry on those Priceline commercials. I guess I just admire anyone who is so blatantly, moxiously ridiculous. Tonight I ran across his 1978 rendition of Elton John’s “Rocketman.”

It may be viewed here: Mars Ain’t the Kind of Place to Raise Your Kids.

The spoken-word delivery. The Who-the-Fuck-Are-You, Sartre? cigarette. And oh sweet baby Jesus’s barber’s dog, the toupee. Then, when it just can’t get any worse, a giant, more animated Shatner mitosises off of the original Shatner, dwarfing him.

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Figure 1: “Lookin’ good, Shatner.” “Right back atcha, dawg.”

Me, on the way to the can: “William Shatner makes me hot.”

Companion, sincerely: “That makes me really happy.”

What could be better on a Sunday night?

Social Capital

Here is a picture of Halo and I when we were in our last torturous year of grad school. Believe it or not, we actually used this picture for a class presentation. We were doing a librarianish community analysis of nearby Lake Forest Park. As we looked for signs of life and community interaction there, we became part of the community ourselves, for a little while. We couldn’t resist.

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I am on the left. R.I.P., emo bangs, R.I.P.

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Here is how I look today. Kind of out of it on no coffee. Goddam you, No Coffee. Also, it has been so long since I messed up my hair that it is getting curly again. I guess I’m going to have to cut up my punk rock card. LE SIGH.

Like I Need Another Hole in the Head

This weekend, I scratched a couple of things off my long-term to-do list. I went on a consultation to see about finishing my stargazer tattoo, so I will be in pain next Sunday. This guy’s fast, too. If the artist who started the stargazer and then fled town with my money were to finish it, it would probably take him another three hours. This new artist estimated he can finish it in a half-hour, forty-five minutes. I know he’s fast, because he did a back piece for my sister in three-and-a-half hours a couple of months ago. Apparently he’s been working for 22 years, and his portfolio’s beautiful.

While I was at the shop, I decided to get a new nose ring, to replace the old one I lost in my companion’s old ghetto apartment, the floors of which were covered in gappy Pergo. Other than horrible, debilitating diseases, not much is worse than gappy Pergo, with the possible exception of the young woman I saw in the University District yesterday, rocking a denim miniskirt with shiny brown mid-calf leggings, making her look like some dull variety of stumpy, greasy sausage. If anyone knows this woman, you should probably arrange an intervention immediately. I will come and stand in front of the door while you’re holding it.

Where was I? Damn. I replaced my nose ring and the guy who did the stretching for me gave me a mini-lecture about how I don’t have to take them out, I can just flip up a septum ring and no one will know that it’s there. The hole’s not going anywhere–it’s twelve years old now and will always be open, like my ear holes and tongue hole. He just didn’t get it. Sometimes I just like it to be out, for months at a time. But he’s a lifer, covered in tattoos and earlobes stretched so far he could put soup cans in them. Of course he doesn’t remember the pleasure of feeling invisible.

Before I took a trip to body-modification land, my companion and I decided to go for one of our big walks. We walked through Wallingford to the U-District, with stops at a pet store and for breakfast so Strudel’s nose could thaw out. She seemed to enjoy the fish, and later the wheat toast, the most.

After breakfast we walked around the UW campus, which is absolutely dreamy on Sundays, because it’s so dead. It was so dead, in fact, that a crew was filming a commercial in the Arts Quad for a Giant Local Software company. There was a camera attached to a couple of balloons and many students, who looked real, along with professors, who looked like actors, were made to walk randomly and repeatedly across the paths of the quad.

“Holy crap,” said my companion. “Look, they got everyone in there. African-American guy, pigtailed Asian girl, a white couple….”

“The male and female grey-haired conservative professors,” I added, noticing the woman with a camel coat, briefcase, and low pumps.

We had spent many hours in the quad as graduate students, and I hung out there a lot as an undergrad in the art building. A real scene in the quad would have featured idiots playing Frisbee in the mud, cel phone yammering, people making out under the cherry trees, and students literally bumping into each other. Also, a large number of my professors, especially on the graduate level, wore jeans and obviously dyed their hair.

Still, it was fun to watch the PAs shouting, and this representation of student life was a lot more aesthetically pleasing than the heifer stuffed into shiny brown leggings a few blocks away. Those TV people, they know that.

The Real New Black

A couple of days ago my sister and I were in an oh-so-edgy boo-tique in Fremont.

“Wow,” I marveled at the jewellery case near that cash register. “There are a lot of anchor-motif pieces in here.”

“Totally,” nodded the clerk earnestly. “Anchors are the new skulls.”

In Other News

This shit is funny: Celebrity Jihad. So new I couldn’t google it up. Thanks to Badgerbag for the pointer.

Family Fun for Jerks

Dear Busted-Ass Diary, early this morning we had a swell time out in the wilds of Issaquah picking wild chanterelles. We brought Daniel, who had never been mushroom picking and enjoyed himself very much. I like mushroom picking because all the climbing gives me the opportunity to work off the “librarian can,” which develops when you sit in front of the internets for most of the day clicking on shiny things. Also, you get mushrooms. Bonus! We are using them for our Fangsgiving dinner.

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I’m Humiliating Myself Before Anyone Else Can

Halo and I were at the mall yesterday, at the new LUSH store, splurging on “Honey, I Washed the Kids” and “I Should Coco” soap. YES! For so long I have waited for you, LUSH, to come to my town. And now you are in Bellevue, which is close enough. Now there is a spa situation in my shower every morning without nine dolla shipping and a week’s wait, and I am a very happy fucker. I also bought Franny an ocean bath bomb, and cut it into fourths, and last night it turned her bathwater blue and puked seaweed particles everywhere as it fizzed, much to her delight.

Every year now I have a crazy-ass birthday weekend, which is awesome. Basically I act like a spaz, eat like a spaz, and do things differently than usual. It’s kind of a renewal before we get plunged into winter proper.

So my mall objectives were thus: to have happy mall fun with Halo, including lunch at the Cheesecake Factory (forty-ninety-twelvedy menu items, and no kids menu). Cheesecake Factory, are you trying to say that the world does not revolve around children? Cheesecake Factory, you are letting the terrorists win.

Also, other objectives were to go to the LUSH store, also, to get foo foo cornball dresses for holiday pictures starring boobnibblers past and present. It is the one dumb mom thing I do. I certainly do not take my kids to see a creepy old man I’ve never met before and have them photographed on his lap (hint: anagram of SATAN). I can’t think of any other dumb mom things right now, but know that I don’t do any of them either. Oh wait, matching outfits. We don’t do that either, mainly because Franny can’t keep both of her middle fingers up in a way that passersby can tell what we’re doing.

So we were walking through Macy’s, peeping the jewelry as we took Boobnibbler Past to the bathroom (again). I recently threw out my fabulous SJ bling away because the bling dots were falling out and it was turning green. I spotted blingy initial necklaces and rushed over to fondle them.

“Ooooh!” I raccooned.

“SJ, that’s J-Lo brand,” Halo said.

“Eeee! I’ve been burned!” I backed away from the display, ashamed. “Don’t tell anyone!”

Halo laughed. “I’m putting this on my blog!”

Not if I get to it first! And I am still thinking about buying a couple.

Update! 10/24/05

Halo busts me for not being able to bust me. I am a bad friend. Co-starring my hand.

Me N00b

Will someone please email me and tell me what “DBZ style” means? This shit is driving me bananas. I think it has to do with Dragon Ball Z, but what is a DBZ-style game or movie?

Thanks.

sj@iasshole.org

Update! 10/16/05

One of my friendly blog-acquaintances over at Apple-Mint replied in regards to “DBZ style.” Apparently I need to keep a fifteen-year-old stowed away for those pop-culture codes I can’t crack. Here’s what she said:

“i stuck my head into the basement and asked my 15 year old stepson what “dbz style” was. after a grunt and a painful tearing away of his eyes from the videogame he was playing, he said, “dragon ball z style.” when it refers to games, it means cute cartoony games that are pvp (player versus player), and all the dbz games suck. dbz art is fan art drawn in a similar style to the dbz cartoons. he also said that anyone who said they were “dbz stylin'” was probably ten years old or a total n00b.

i’m enlightened. how about you?”

Oh yes, me too.