I Would Liveblog My IUD, Wouldn’t I? Yes, Yes I Would

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Hey! What did you get up to this afternoon? I had a doctor put in an IUD. I always wondered about what getting an IUD is like, so I thought I’d write about it.

First they made me pee in a cup, of course. You can’t do jack without peeing in a cup.

“Okay,” the nurse said, checking my blood pressure. “We did that to see if you are pregnant.”

“My blood pressure?” Hmm, are you guys Doing it Rong?

“No, the peeing.”

“WELL AM I?” Jeez, don’t leave a person on tenterhooks here.

“I don’t know,” she said. “It’s not done yet.”

“DANG!”

“Do you think you are?” she asked.

Sure I do. Does that make me spazzy that I assume I’m pregnant every month until proven innocent or whatever? I thought every fertile woman thought like this. No? Not so much?

Well, I wasn’t. The nurse said that they couldn’t put it in if I was.

Then they took me into a room that had big evil lights, that somehow reminded me of ED 3000.

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There were mysterious bottles (iodine?) thrown under the sink.

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Then I was asked to strip from the waist down, and the doctor scurried back and forth. She brought in another doctor, who was attending. I always love that look, the naked from the waist down look. At least she gave me a big cover, so I could have a fetching skirt.

I was asked to put my feet in the stirrups. The doctor said, “I won’t make you use the leg rests, because it reminds some women too much of childbirth.” Well, stirrups remind me of all the horrible experiences I’ve had at the gyno. Where is my consolation prize? Can I get some angels to come and gently hold my knees for me?

Interesting, to me, that some women cannot even put their legs in the leg rests after. Also I was like WTFBBQ women are still laboring on their backs??? She asked me how I did it, and I told her squatting and on my knees, because that’s how we peasants roll, and she said, “Oh yeah, I did it like that for someone once. You have to reverse everything in your head.”

Then the rootling started. MMMPH JESUS GOD. Uterus does not like to be rootled around in. Is not junkdrawer.

She pushed a plastic straw thingie up there to “get a measurement” of my uterus. I stared at the ceiling, labor breathing instantly kicking in, as my uterus spasmed. Apparently it is curved, so they really had to crank it around. I couldn’t get a picture, but I imagine it was something like this.

Crank-Starting-Car.jpg

Then it was in, and I was done. It took maybe ten minutes. These were not short minutes, but if it lasts five years it will be worth it. And now I have a cool foreign object in my body. As a consolation prize, Liz sent me a song.

What they don’t tell you is that you may possibly bleed like fuck.

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After I was done, I asked her if she would write me a prescription for Viagra. She said she’d check with the pharmacists, and it turns out that it is not approved for women for another 1-2 years, if at all. HELL to the NAW. When it comes out for women, it will probably be recolored PINK and named GENTLE BREEZE instead of “Behold My Rock Hard Clit” ASSHOLES. My words, you must mark them.

Chatz

me: I took a Viagra last night.
Kaijsa: You DID NOT.
me: Oh yers I did.
It was AWESOME
Kaijsa: You are CRAZY
me: Now I cannot rest until I get more.
Kaijsa: Your clit will grow into a tiny penis like Chyna’s.
me: NOOO that is an urban legend.
Kaijsa: BEWARE
me: LOL I am cackling
Kaijsa: No, you’ll just have blurred vision and heart problems.
me: Oh foo.

DOPE

via feministe

31 thoughts on “I Would Liveblog My IUD, Wouldn’t I? Yes, Yes I Would”

  1. Oh man! More women should get IUDs. I got an IUD about a year ago, and it was only the most awesome thing I ever did. The first few months were pretty bad, but now I don’t get cramps at all, which is AMAZING, since they used to incapacitate me before I got the IUD. I remember the first day I got it put in, though, and that was a bitch. Hope you’re feeling better than I did!

  2. “Also I was like WTFBBQ women are still laboring on their backs???” glad i wasn’t the only one thinking that. wtf indeed.

    that was hilarious. i’ve been semi-considering an IUD. not sure this post convinced me to get one though. ;)

  4. This is the greatest post ever. I learned two important things: 1. that leg rests are different than stirrups (what are leg rests?); and 2. that there is lots of blood involved in getting an IUD.

    I’m a little scared of IUDs (the idea of an implanted foreign object just makes me nervous), so I am curious to see how you’ll like it over time.

  6. I had a drug-free delivery of a 9+ pound baby (I am only 5 feet tall), and the IUD insertion was definitely the more painful procedure. It took two tries (2 different days) before they could get it in. My MIL the RN told me that some women have had a heart attack while having one put in. I’m glad she waited until after to tell me that. ;-)

    Welcome to the club!

  7. “Then the rootling started. MMMPH JESUS GOD. Uterus does not like to be rootled around in. It is not junkdrawer.”

    I laughed so hard I peed.

    This is also how I felt when I had the ESSURE procedure done a couple of years ago. (they do an in office tubal ligation through your uterus, which rocks because other than the rootling no pain and permanent birth control!!) Keep us posted too on the GENTLE BREEZE, I have been begging HUSBAND to get viagra for me. He says no because he is a jerk.

  8. Yes, I was all bloody after mine too. And wow, it hurt like a mofo. But I love it, so there you go.

    I want to know more about the viagra!!

    And I cannot believe she’s only attended one person who didn’t birth on their back. Um…maybe she’s only attended like two births? That would make me feel better.

  9. Faith, see if you can get some from a friend so you can try before you buy, or try before you send him in faking limp dick disease.

    Thanks, Nee, I too am glad I did not know that.

    And Jess, AWESOME. That is all I can say about it.

  10. Getting the IUD hurts way less if you get it done a couple months after giving birth. Things are still all loosey goosey, I guess. I’ve had mine for around three years now and it’s definitely done the job, but lately I’m like “GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT OF ME NOW!!” For no good reason. I definitely don’t want to get pregnant again right now so I’ve hesitated because the condoms, I hates them. I don’t know what else to do. Because I have the cancer, birth control pills and their hormones are forbidden. Conundrum!

  12. When my MOM put in my IUD there was no rumbling around my uterus at all! She knew I was no “junk drawer” but rather a treasure box. She put it in whilst I was bleeding (slightly dialated cervix)and it hurt just a tiny bit! I was definitely not pg(bleeding), but still had to pee in the accursed cup. I recommend the ‘on-the-rag-insertion’ method. no joke.

  14. Always with the peeing in the cup! Always.
    I always think I’m pregnant as well. The fear, I tell you. It gets bad. It doesn’t matter if I haven’t had sex for a 3 months, or I’m in the middle of my period or just after it. If I’m not peeing in a cup, I’m peeing on one of those little sticks.

  15. I had my IUD put in almost a year ago.

    I would never do it again and not because it took him two attempts to get it in and it hurt like hell.

    Naw, I wouldn’t have it in again because I’ve gained 45 pounds since March of last year. And it’s hard as hell to lose it.

    Plus, I haven’t had a period in that timespan. I’ve had cramps, bloating, mood swings and horrible, HORRIBLE acne, but no period.

    I’d rather bleed from my cooch once a month than deal with this shit.

  16. Soooo…. the Viagra. It sounds like your experience was just like an episode of Sex and the City. I have question. How long does the increased sex drive last? Do you want to have sex every single minute for 4 hours? 8 hours? If you didn’t have sex would you be uncomfortable?

  17. I had a series of 5 IUDs across twelve years–back when they removed them every 2 years. Always had the on-the-rag timing, never had any trouble, and loved, loved, loved the effectiveness. I’d recommend ’em over any other form of non-permanent, and I also had used the pill, the cap and the diaphram…LOL; birth control chats: good times!

  19. Shezbot, that doesn’t sound good at all. Did you happen to get the new fancy ones with hormones (Mirena)? I got the good ol’ fashioned copper wire one, and I actually lost weight and started having regular periods. Of course, I specifically asked for the kind with no hormones because I was OUT OF CONTROL, with the eating and the bleeding all the time and the acne and the having been on the pill since I was 14. Sigh.

    Which kind did you get, SJ?

    Junk drawer = genius. That is what I will call it all the time now!

  20. I had to get the Mirena one. I think I have a progesterone sensitivity and that so do a lot of other women. (From prior experience with B/C).

    I wish I could’ve gotten a copper one. But my doc didn’t offer that choice. I think there must be some kind of deal with the drug company.

    The only reason I even got one is because I got pregnant due to a drug-drug interaction and they told me I couldn’t take hormonal b/c. I’m not even taking the drug that caused the interaction anymore… if it didn’t cost so much to have it removed, I would!

  23. God you just made me laugh like hell!!!

    For your pluttification,

    Here’s the descrip of how my IUD fell out of me, like a tiny sputnik:

    http://badgerbag.typepad.com/badgerbag/2005/01/zzzzzip.html

    And here’s the 2nd one after I made them yank it. I had 2-week-long periods with that motherfucking coppertone hedgehog up there.

    http://badgerbag.typepad.com/badgerbag/2006/02/my_exiud.html

    You will do better with the Mirena, surely. Doesn’t it sound like an alien girl that Captain Kirk would fuck? Or maybe McCoy?

  24. OMG, I don’t know what makes me laugh harder…rootled/rootling or junkdrawer. As you say, HUR!!! So much! I’d prefer to just have hubber’s bags unpacked but he’s chicken and won’t go for the big V. Poopcakes. So I’ve been considering IUD but most definitely cannot contain hormones…I have enough to share with others as it is! But thanks for interesting insight into your junkdrawer, as it were. We we all very curious :)

  25. 10 years; high fives all round. I go back dutifully every year, and the doctor gives it a poke and gets out the ultrasound and goes: yep, looks great.

    One time in the US though, it was a little tipped or something (no idea) and the doctor was all freaked out by it and was like I CAN’T FIND IT I THINK IT FELL OUT DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR UTERUS IS RIPPING IN TWO? and that was sure a lot of fun I wish I hadn’t had. Rootling, indeed.

    My doctor was like, “Oh, Americans are so naive! They do not know how to find the lady parts so easily as we do.” We practically smoked a cigarette after he successfully located it in like 10 seconds.

  26. I am on my third IUD, first a copper for 5 years then the Mirena twice, got my second last summer (my baby is 5:)) and didnt hurt at all, maybe your Dr is moron (whoops, doesnt do many)? The first one was not fun, different Dr. Didnt gain weight at all supposedly not that much hormone it in but GET THIS (and this is why you will keep it and love it forevah) I havent had a period IN years! Maybe spotting like 5 times this YEAR? It kicks ass I am having one until menopause shit you not. And no zits (more than usual) or anything! PLus my Dr who does good installs :) has one, loves it and says they are good for 7 years in Europe so she said she would see me in 7 years this time….
    Every once in a great while it will poke DH during business but ya know? get a V, or who cares.

  27. I’ve been meaning to thank you for this post, Professor Owl. I’ve learnt so much from you about my junk drawer. First, I learned that when I don’t wear underwear I’m showing my LABIA and not my vagina as I get in and out of the backseat of a limo. And now this! Getting the 411 on the “ins and outs” (ha) of the IUD from you and your commenters makes me feel like I don’t have much research to do if I ever decide to get the IUD. I’ve been schooled. You guys are truly a treasure trove of all things gyn-y.

  28. R U serious about the Viagra? Hubby has the stuff and now I want to try it!

    What does it do? Will I die? Will it make me want to hump the arm chair?

    Perspiring minds wanna know!

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