HEY. How was your weekend? Did you wonder if I am dead? No such luck. Although I did have a few dreams where the IUD punctured my uterine wall as if I was riddled with scurvy. It seems to be taking okay, and the cramps have subsided.

I also had another dream which is one of the most absurd ones I’ve ever had. The girls were on the counter and Strudel pulled her pants down. I was worried she was going to fall so I grabbed her, and she fell over on top of me, and her butthole went right on my nose. Companion showed up and looked over the counter.

“I have poop on my nose, don’t I?” I said.

“Yeah,” he said.

Analyze that, chakra-pokers.

Also this weekend I had a dinner party. I made a giant, giant ham for the first time ever. I was never that interested in ham, but I am tired of cooking other things, and I wanted something springlike to eat. It came out of the oven and was like Wall of Ham. My tastes have really changed. Ten years ago I hated hams. Now I think I can eat donkey scrot. I dunno.

You may recall that I went to San Fransisco in January to do a reading for Can I Sit With You?, which was fantastically fun. So now there is going to be a not free reading on April 25th at the Annex Theatre.

How it worked last time is that you can show up, listen to stories, and no one will hold you upside down and shake you. Or you can buy/bring a book, have it signed, or drop a little money in the hat. I will be out drinking after. NOM. Also, because I know you huffed too much glue, I will remind you when it gets closer. You should come, so I don’t have to stand on your lawn and read loudly at 3 a.m. That could get embarrassing for everyone involved.

OKAY UPDATE: EPIC FAIL! It is not free. See comments. For the admission price Companion says I should wear one of my cocktail dresses too. DAMMIT. Sorry, Shannon. I feel conflicted now because this is for a good cause, but expensive.

9 thoughts on “CALL ME NAO for yer TOTALLY NOT FREE AT ALL readin’

  1. Glad U is not dead and only having weird dreams of poop on nose.

    Ham sounds good. I am scared to cook it. But I have 2 weiners who won’t eat much beyond mac and cheese and chicken fingers.

    I hope I can make it to the free reading. Toddler is single handedly trying to kill me with his tantrums and screaming fits. I might be dead from his drama soon. I think he out does even your drama queen neighbor.

  2. Dude, the reading are not free. It is for cash money ($12/pop, to be exact, mostly to go to SEPTAR but some to go back to the Annex for being so damn cool). And there is a bar attached! You can drink before, during, and after your performance.

    Will put up real notice as soon as we get the poop off our noses.

  3. Oh, I’d love to have you come read on my lawn at 3 AM! Except I don’t really have much of a lawn, more of a porch.

    I think poop on nose dreams portend you will come into money but it will be dirty money.

  4. Yeah, I would so pay good money to have you come read on my lawn at 3 AM! It would be better than the crack addict shouting at his girlfriend, “sure I slept with her, baby! But I was thinkin’ of you the whole time!”

  5. Way to exclude those of us who WANT to be held upside down and shook (shaken? shooken? shaked the shit out of?)!11!! Eeeeee-lite!

    Ahem. Hope you do something round Portland way.

  6. Apologies, we are midway through figuring out prices and have only settled so far on $12 why not it is for charity, and then we had another glass of wine to celebrate the fact that we were hiding in the back room while our partners watched all five kids (which is more like ten kids, given our sons). ANYHOW. We are trying to figure out if Brown Paper Tickets lets us say $12 if you can, whatever you want if you can’t. If that is not an option, we will probably do $12 if you can, $5 if that seems okay, contact us if you want to go but cash is an issue. But, hey, suggestions are welcome! Go to and tell us what you think of our initial, drunken episode of greed!

  7. I had a similar dream once, only I woke up and discovered the dog had let loose with the rankest fart, I had no idea she was capable of making that kind of smell. So, basically, someone in the room farted, and your brain had to rationalize where the smell had come from.

  8. Annex has no article. It is Annex Theatre (pronounced “thee-AY-tuh”), rather than the Annex Theatre.

    Also, nom.

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