Dear Goddamn Diary,
Someday I am going to look back at this year and cringe, absolutely. I pretty much do that every year, though. This is the risk of keeping a diary. God I was stupid in 2001, rinse, repeat. The rough thing now is that I have finally gained the wisdom to know it is not enough to sit like a pudding and shout “DAMN YOU UNIVERSE.” Even if you do all the “right” things, there will be repercussions. I know a lot of what I’m doing right now is just spinning my wheels. I can’t just blame the economy. I may have forgotten to tell you that I pretty much had a nervous breakdown last summer. I am not the same person I was in June. Somehow I make it though alone and unmedicated as usual. I probably could have liveblogged it or something, but really, no one cares but me.
All my close scrapes and doing it by myself for years used to be a badge of honor. Now I am just so freaking tired and wonder if things would have been different if I ever let anyone close into my life whom I could actually trust in a pinch. Now I feel like I want support but I don’t want anyone near me. O paradox.
What I can’t answer now is if I need to be nicer to myself and be glad that I am getting out of the mud at all, or if I need to work much harder to make up for the time I missed. I kind of don’t remember October. I remember one day: my birthday. I had pommes frites and sauvignon blanc. I can look back and see a trail of writing and emails, but half of 2008 is gone. I think my consolation is that I know I’m not depressed, I’m just bone tired. All my fight has been squeezed out, from the middle of the tube, even.
So let’s talk about things less nebulously, Dear Diary. I have finally achieved my dream: I have acquired a third job, and it’s coffee. If figure the the economy continues to tank I better make damn sure I can pull shots again and shit. So know I have this sweet trifecta of sales, coffee, and a writing gig I will have to borrow time to keep up with. I am excited that I am working full time, but it stings that I could be managing the stores I work in with no student loans had I just skipped the whole grad school thing. I am still going to look for a contract. In the meantime I will just be slacker pie.
After Hester’s motherboard blew, the display on AbacusTop died. In theory my novel-in-progress is still on the hard drive, but the display looks like it’s underwater. I am currently on a computer from GRAD SCHOOL HUR that is half a blooperhertz faster than AbacusTop. I am going old school and downloading The Sims 1. Yeah baby. I have taken all of this as some kind of sign even though I don’t really believe in those. I am giving up on intellectual pursuits until I don’t know when, is what I have decided.
I think it’s times like these you just have to grab pleasure where you can. I am listening to music a lot as I commute around town and walk places. I am drinking too many bubble teas. I think I am going to get Los Campesinos tickets for April when they come to town. I am sitting on IRC talking shit a lot when I have time off. I am chipping away at getting things done.
I will go back to more normal life-documenting mode. I guess I just have to have these service interruptions sometimes.
You are allowed to comment if you have more than three jobs, two children, and $20K in debt.
I’ve got an older (2003? 04?) Dell laptop that is running Linux (shut up! it’s great!) which I realize is no good for games, but it’s yours if you want it. In theory, you can get your novel off AbacusTop by running Linux on the CD drive as well. I will write directions if you so wish.
You have become like that sketch from In Living Color with the Jamaican family and the 17 jobs. I think it was call “Hey Mon”.
I have 2 jobs am not that far in debt and don’t have kids (unless the dog & cat count)
However, I am a cranky bitch who just keeps spinning her damn wheels so I figure I can squeak under the requirements wire, no?
“guess sometimes I just have to have these service interruptions sometimes.”
Yes. You do. It’s what keeps us all from climbing clock towers & picking off pedestrians with a high powered rifle.
HEY MON.
Thanks. Anyone can post. I am SRS cranky bitch lately.
DUDE. JESUS CHRIST, DUDE.
Anyone who cares about you (and there are legion) knows that shit has been up for awhile now, so don’t even front. Can I just say THANK YOU for the update…thank you for trusting us to understand, than you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable. I love your writing and your unique take on the world and would quite seriously be very very upset if you stopped your MF diary. So don’t, bitch. I will cut you. Except, I really wouldn’t. Any damn way, day by day. My Dad always says to eat the elephant one bite at a time.
I can’t remember October because I was drunk the whole time. I WIN (?)
Altho I don’t know all the aspects of your sitch, I’d lean towards being good to yourself. Making up for lost time is often overrated. As for feeling bad about choosing grad school, you’re in very good company. ((SJ)) You rock.
I don’t have any advice to offer, but I’d just like to take the time to say that we, your readers, do care. We read diligently and we wouldn’t if we didn’t care.
And just remember: the internet is watching over you.
Ah Co-madre,
you are so motherfucking brave and on top of things AND you can cook real good weird shit & are very very FUNNY( i mean in a sexy enviable way). gah. maybe you don’t wanna hear it because it sounds like a stump speech or like i’m trying to kiss your ass but Listen to me:
you are multi-FACETED as all hell….but mostly i like to think of you as a writer….and i’m way glad you are. i think maybe Changapeluda is not the only monkey you help get thru the day because you write this blog – all regular like. i love it here….
You’re a Sweet Asshole, you really are & after i read a good chicken post or find out that Jaedon isn’t the only little fucker who likes to cuss, i leave here feelin’ All savvy.
Okay i’m done. i’ll just leave you with the words of my imaginary R. Crumb tattoo
in yooooge black letter/old english across my ample shoulders
KEEP ON TRUCKIN’ !!!
Love Always,
your PenPal,
Joetta
Dude
I am trying to think of things to write that won’t sound stupid….
Your life, …well, of course you are tired. Kids, chickens, 3 (?!) jobs…
shit.
I love your writing. I love reading about your life. and obviously so do many others as well.
no advice. just that. your life, it seems busy and full. reading about your kids (and watching the occasional video you post) make it clear that you do a great job with your kids and hey, the chickens are laying eggs….and also your hair is awesome… so dude. you rock.
so helpful. i know.
I have been reading your blog for about 2 years. I haven’t laughed soooo hard in all my life. Many insights, great food (pics), lovely daughter’s. Sometimes our wheels have to spin…it makes us slow down to take a an account of our live’s…its a good thing … and will pass. Please, NEVER STOP WRITING!!!!
aw, man. nothing wise to say. just, if i was on your side of the country i’d track you down, hug you till your guts were squished, and feed you lots of brownies. even if you didn’t want them. because the only tool i have for trying to make other people feel better is lots and lots of baked goods.
What they all said. SJ, please take care of yourself. I suspect that, in the long run, you will be glad you have the degree. I could not have the job I have now if I hadn’t picked my masters up 20 years ago. Even though it took me something like five years to get my salary back up to pre-grad school levels. And if I didn’t have the job I have now, we wouldn’t have health insurance, so there you are.
so, er, I know that you are all “hellya I can do this shit on my own” and that you did not blog this to ask for help (as asking for help would take many yrs of therapies), BUT, methinks you should put up a little paypal money pot thingy so we can collectively buy you a NEW computer (queue wistful dream musak). People waaaaay less authorlicious than you have done so, and fer things like paying off their self-indulgent Jimmy Chu obsession turned debtors prison. An author without a ‘puter is like a cook without an oven, and we, your dear readers, need your word cookies to fill our gaping hunger for snark and Very Cool Nouns.
We’ll actually be doing ourselves a favor by ensuring your future as a blogger/novelist is secure. You just have to promise that you’ll borrow that time and write that novel so some publicist can be all “Sloane Crosley can only hope that one day she’ll grow up to use grammars like SJ”.
Srsly. Money pot. Now.
“really, no one cares but me.” Not so. Really.
Erm. Hoping that sounded supportive and not weird and stalker-ish.
And another vote for taking care of yourself. Yeah. Take pleasure where you can, watch for blooming flowers, sit in the sun when it comes out. And take all the service interruptions you need. That’s what the Internets are for.
Boo, sometimes all you can do is get up every morning and get through the day. Sucks donkey balls but that’s life, ya know? Box up those little pleasures so you can take them out and stroke them when you’re sitting in the middle of the shitpile. It’ll keep you sane. FWIW I am groovin’ on that organic pic of you. You’re pretty effin’ hot, aren’t you?
Here’s hoping somethin you write gets picked up majorly. And I will buy several copies of your novel when it’s published. /stalk mode
*tosses you a bottle of rum*
I don’t has 3 job. I only have one job. I tried getting a second and ended up getting really sick from lack of sleep. So I know my limitations.
And I have more than 20k in student loans. They’re not getting as much money as they want, but they can suck a fat one. at least they’re getting SOMETHING out of me. They should count themselves lucky, since I has BILLS. Damn new york and it’s higher cost of living anyways. :P
So, um, I have nothing non-cheesy to say either…just that we DO care about you and I am all supportive of the Paypal Account. I think that’s a GREAT idea! I would totally send you monies! I think you’re speshul!
So, how do we go about doing this? I kinda like the “Help an Asshole Out” foundation or even “Assholes Who Care”.
What say you?
Hmmm, I suspect you would not take a donation outright. So, what about an AUCTION! ‘Cuz you know you’re a one-woman authori-tay on them. Auction off a day with the AssMitten. Or speshul I,Asshole accessories. Or a signed, dead mother-board. Gurl, set up an ebay auction (or three) toot suite and we’ll all be there.
NO. This is not what it is about, people. My job is to make the tealdeer complains, and your job is to go “MMMhhhmm I see.” Fundraising is not the answer as I would just spend it on Scratchers.
So paying you for sex to uh, swell your coffers is out then?
I am not squeezing out another sprog just so I can comment on your blog. Fuck that noise.
First, I feel compelled to say that you look all lovely and goddess-ey and like you should be on a tarot card or something with all that foliage around your head.
Nextly, I hope you start getting a barrage of high-paying, interesting writing gigs coming your way stat!
Thirdly I’m glad you said that anyone can post replies. I don’t want to have to make another babby.
I have one full time public service job and am half-assedly doing a phd. And have 2 kids and am over $90gs in debt. I love you. Just saying.
I have ONE shit ass job cleaning toilets. (the irony!) I made $15000 last year bitch! WOO HOO..I have 5 yes FIVE YES FIVE kids and a large husband/kid and the debt…oh vey the debt. $20,000 would be a GOOD thing here….I dont even want to know what it is.
Hubbie is in construction and we are piss ass broke living on Visa. OH and btw I have a bachelors degree (and student loans) in TEACHING which is the SHITTIEST degree to get btw. Where I live teachers start at $20,000 year. wtf? Why? Tiolets pay almost that much and I work 2 nights a fucking week.
AND another random thought; I am not sure where the last 19 years have gone. GAH I love you!
De-lurking – I don’t know if this is what you mean, but having gone through every major trauma/change/whatever in my life alone, I think it doesn’t really make you stronger, in the long run. I think it just taxes the shit out of your nervous system, and eventually you spend as much time sleeping to catch up on the lost energy as you do awake. When all the people you encounter in your day are sort of superficial strangers, you begin to see them as energy sinks to be avoided rather than sources of emotional sustenance.
I think of it as ‘one hand clapping’ – you know, without somebody to share it all with (and I guess I mean another adult), it kind of becomes meaningless. I mean, what’s the point? We’re designed to be in small groups of humans who all pull together toward a common goal, and without that, we just feel alone and isolated. Waking up alone, going to sleep alone, making all the major decisions alone (and again I’m talking about the absence of another adult to share the load), after a while none of it makes any sense any more. It’s that squirrel running round and round in the cage and never getting anywhere.
And no amount of internet ‘support’ can take the place of an actual, live pair of warm human hands to help you lift a heavy load or offer you comfort in times of need. The human body craves the tangible, tactile, real, and isn’t fooled by etheric offerings. No offense to anybody, but internet support is like cotton candy – all fluff, no substance. Ya can’t eat it, or wear it, or touch it. And in the flash of a fried hard drive, it’s all gone. You can’t walk over and ask it to borrow a cup of sugar, or even get the smallest, tiniest bit of real, genuine, in-the-flesh solace and comfort – not even an actual smile. An emoticon somehow jest ain’t the same thing.
I appreciate that you tell the truth about what’s going on with you – it actually takes the load off a little to hear someone tell it like it is, no sugar-coating.