Hello. It has come to my attention that some of you are interested in how I get rid of lice. Will I tell you? Yes. Will I cite my sources? No. Can you post your own remedies in the comments? As if I could stop you. Please, be my guest.

Anyway, I am going to tell you that you can kick lice without going into lockdown and sterilizing your whole house, but focusing on what lice need, which is your head, and not worrying so much about the rest of your house.

Step One: Don’t get lice. I managed this for 31 years. Goooo Team Assmittens.

Step Two: Get Lice. Fuck Salt. (Optional step.)

You needa:

1. “Original” Listerine. Amber color. Off-brand is fine. The issue with the other flavors is that they can get sticky, I hear.
2. Plasticky drug store shower caps.
3. Fingernails or comb. I prefer fingernails, whereas my friend V. swears by this comb.
4. Beauty supply-type squirt bottle for Listerine. Again, optional, but I think it helps.

Out Out Damned Spot

Good news for you, the afflicted: lice are crawlers, not leapers, hoppers, or flyers, so they won’t get terribly far. Thing two is that they cannot live long off one’s head.

You are going for a two-pronged attack here.

Prong one is getting rid of the nits (eggs). These live between 1-3 inches from the scalp, on individual strands of hair. People say they look like little oil drops or tiny sesame seeds. They cling to the shaft of the hair with ass glue or something, I dunno.

I grab them with my fingernails and drop them into the sink when I find them, to keep them contained. I look through every bit of hair in a pretty unscientific way–I just sort through an inch or so at a time. I do this for about a week and then do a glance every day for about a week after that, and then periodic checks throughout the year. If you get rid of the eggs, then, duh, no more hatching, and you end the cycle. A serious infestation may take an hour or more to pull, or as little as 15 minutes if you are checking weekly or so. Don’t shit bricks if you need to take a break or you do not get them all at once on the first night. Persistence is the key here. Give it a few days and you will get them all.

Prong two is the bugs themselves. YUK. If they get big enough to see and pull out (St. Jude pray for us) then just rinse them down the drain or drop them in the toilet. The little ones will have to be poisoned with delishus delishus Listerine.

I spray this liberally all over the head with the squirty bottle. Avoid the eyes, as it will burn like a bitch. Do not drink, unless you are a hobo. Well, are you a hobo? Get the hair pretty wet to the ends so there is nowhere to run, and then cover with a showercap for a half hour or so. Imagine tiny screaming holocaust all over your head, and feel smug. You may be drippy, so grab a hand towel for your neck. Rinse and shampoo as normal, knowing that you have destroyed lives. I do the Listerine cycle for about a week as well. I hear the Listerine smell repels reinfestation as well, but if it is between death and your delicious head blood, I bet they will hold their noses.

Optional stuff:

1. Change sheets. Why not? I hear they can live a day or so off the head, so why not have a fresh start the first night?

2. Vacuum. I bet your house could use it, right? Well, mine could. Unless you have lice on the floor and your kids are rubbing their heads on the floor, this won’t matter too much.

3. Coats, couches, other pillows, etc. I wouldn’t go crazy. Think about it: if you are killing whatever clings on that day every evening, and they can only live off the head 24 hours or so, and you are breaking the laying cycle, then you do not need to sterilize your house.

DO make sure you check everyone in your house, though–why pass it around over and over? When I get paranoid I give myself a few squirts as well.

DO NOT buy that overpriced bullshit from the drug store with the shitty plastic comb. This operation should not cost you much more than $10 for the whole family, and you keep the shower caps and squirty bottle for next time. Generic Listerine is like three bone.

DO NOT panic. This is rather simple and their advantage is that they are TINY, not that they are terrifically pernicious.

Good luck.