HEAD DESK Head desk head deeesk

I am in the process of watching Franny’s dad not listen to or consult with her, and it is twisting me. He’s telling me he’s going to take her to see my mother on Friday. She doesn’t want to go. I’m not opposed to her having a functional, respectful relationship with her father. I don’t really understand the idea of him forcing her to see people she doesn’t want to see who no one else in her family sees either. He got really mad when I told him she’s an alcoholic. Being confronted with other people’s habits or problems can be like looking into a mirror. I have experienced this myself in other ways.

I don’t have much to say about this. I think I just need to express my disbelief that it’s happening again. It happened for spring break. He emails me, tell me what’s going to happen as if he is asking my permission. It’s contrary to whatever she wants. I feel like he wants collusion, but I cannot sell her out like that. I feel cheap, man! Like I could say yes to something and not know they’ve already talked about it and she’s expressed her opinion. She’s old enough to decide where she wants to spend her spring break. I’m not going to tell him how to parent her, either.

Being her advocate is exhausting and never-ending…and totally what I signed up for. However, sometimes I can relate to this asshole.

7 thoughts on “HEAD DESK Head desk head deeesk

  1. I have found these excellent writeups on alcoholism – applicable to other addictions, but mostly referring to that – which I recommend for understanding the addict’s mind and addictive process. http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/original_papers_addiction.html#top

    I spent years dealing with the fact that my father loved alcohol more than me, and then went through it with my mother and gambling. I found it very reassuring to read from others what I already knew, how very deranged their thinking is. I esp. recommend “Addiction, lies, and relationships.” I am a fiend about lies, and this helped me see why. Your honesty with your kids is well-established, which will be a big help.Your kids will need to deal with this emotionally and intellectually. They are in a relationship with addiction too. I have to add my voice to the many people who say you are doing great. But you can’t fix it. It’s horrible that your ex is dragging them through this (he surely has the addict mindset), and I vote for doing whatever you feel okay about to keep them away from her. Seems like you have limited their exposure up till now, so that’s something.

    But of course you are being dragged through this again, too. I spent years intermittently reliving the pain, needing to cry it out, and then using other resourses, and friends who are also ACoA, to remind myself that I’m not the crazy one, I’m not a bitch – as all my family told me I was – because I told my Dad I would love to see him anytime he wasn’t drunk – because, unusually, he was actually an okay Dad when he wasn’t. He never called/showed up drunk again, so he had some confrol. I was lucky with him; my Mom I had to limit my exposure to severely, for my mental health – and deal with hearing what a bitch I was from my family again.

    A few years after he was committed with brain damage, I finally reached the point where I deep-down accepted it, and the pain went away.

    Do what you can – you know what’s right – and make sure you refill your tanks while looking after everyone else.

  2. My heart hurts for Frannie. I hope she gets to enjoy her spring break the way she chooses.

  3. Just make sure that when the time comes to slam a head on the desk it’s his and not yours, it seems his is the one that needs a little rattling.

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