Things I learned this weekend.
First, the good news.
1. I am less afraid of dogs than I used to be. I went to a bar to meet Trixie Biltmore, draweress extraordinaire, and there were DOGS DOGS DOGS. At one point I was in an actual sea of dogs, being bumped and buffered from all sides by them. I knew what I was getting into, and it was really okay. And Trixie is VERY funny and nice and it was a blast. I feel so lucky to be able to meet people via the internet, because while I luck into certain people at parties or whatnot, I think I might have been very lonely at certain points without my digital tentacles.
2. Renewal. Earlier I was talking to a friend about how spring is for renewal, like babies and flowers and weddings and crap. Portland was GORGEOUS. Sunny, warm, flowers puking out of every container and every empty patch of dirt. Somehow seeing all that and thinking about death and loss compounds the unfairness and the awfulness of it all. Renewal, I guess, is not just creation. Sometimes it’s what life feels like after you leave someone behind.
3. When your ex-spouse dies, you need to sack up and remember that your child’s parent has died, and you (and I will) need to deal with that child accordingly. That’s all I’m going to say about this.
IN DOTRE NEWVELLES!
I’m getting my IUD out tomorrow. I am thinking really, really hard about the IUD. I got the Mirena, which has the hormone as well as the baby scraper or whatever. Technically it’s early to have it out, but I’m just done with it. The one benefit was that it completely disappeared my cycle for a while–no PMS, no bleeding, in addition to no babies. Now I am having monthly cramps and pain again and have been having breakthrough bleeding, so there goes that benefit.
I was thinking about going round two with it, and have been reading about other people’s experiences with it, and I’ve been getting this creeping feeling of unease that I’ve been dealing with the side effects as well. I’m kind of a fucking moron when it comes to medical stuff. I have a really high pain tolerance and I just don’t notice things. When I was first pregnant with Strudel, my midwives tested me and told me I was anemic and had a UTI, and I had no idea about either. This means that I can just stop digging trenches or whatever and crank babies out at home, but sometimes I worry my first sign I’ll have that something is wrong will be when my leg falls off or something.
So I got the IUD installed in February of 2008, and then I had this crash in March that dragged on and turned into an unexplained depression that culminated in me breaking up with Strudel’s dad. I keep thinking about that. Did my IUD make me so crazy that I broke up with my babydaddy?
I felt TERRIBLE. Terrible, like, I am embarrassed to tell you how bad I felt and how awful my thoughts were. I got into therapy and took a lot of GABA and ran A LOT and kind of crept along until I started to feel better after about a year. Now I am reading stories about hormone changes, depression, suicidal thoughts, all related to this IUD, and how it ceases when it comes out. I became afraid of dogs around this time as well, which, who the fuck knows. I also gained about 15 pounds that never really came off, even when I was running 5Ks and whatnot.
It makes me wonder. I don’t have a history of chronic depression. Any depression I’ve experienced in the past has been situational. I really liked my life when I got it in–nothing was happening that would have triggered a year of depression. I’m really interested to see what will happen. I’m going to try to overcome my inherent medical dumbassery and really pay close attention this time. Do I need to be more tough? Less tough? I don’t know.
I hope they let me keep the IUD. I think it’s crying out to be a necklace.