What I Was Doing When No One Was Looking

1. Stress

HELLOOOO RACE FANS! I am moving in one (1) week! HNNNGH! My house is all crates and ACK again just like it was two years ago. In my spare time I have been painting and playing phone tag with contractors. If you’re extraordinarily bored I just threw up (HARF) a bunch of house pics on le Flickair. Yes, the set is called “Asshole Dream House.” Yes, I am properly ashamed of myself.

2. Court boring also stress

As a bonus, I am going back to court on October 1. I met with the GAL for the first time on Thursday. Why so late, you ask, when we’ve had the better part of a year to get ourselves investigated and shit? Because first I had Seafed insisting that mediation had succeeded (it didn’t, we never scheduled the second appointment or finished), and then he told the GAL to go away because we didn’t need her. And then he said he did not have money for it, not now, not two years from now, not ever.

My lawyer, who is so awesome I am unfit to touch the hem of her garment, was all, “SOOOO like do you feel like paying for all of the retainer then?” And I was like “UM LIKE TOTALLY NO this guy just got back from a vacation that he flew his wife and four children to, and then there was some bonus vacation on an island. Priorities man etc.” And she was all, “Yo this is like deadlocked then dog.” And I was like “FINE.” That is pretty much verbatim. And then I paid it. DOUBLE HNGGGGH. Yes, my lawyer is Lady Jesse Pinkman.

So last night as a result I had a dream that I was up betimes as usual and bammo, Franny had let all these people into my house and they were kind of noodling around or napping places. I said, “FRANNY WTF!!?” And she said, “Oh, they were at a party next door and needed a place to sleep.” Hmm, Franny letting strange people into my house…this is sounding all very metaphorical. Except to be fair I am letting them in.

Am writing the GAL down and will unleash that later. ~cryptic~

3. Workity

Child Labor Rules. That is all.

4. Other

Here is a seventh grader and a second grader on the first day (the 5th).

Here is a Strudel in a tree outside the new kitchen. I regret very little, but I do have a twinge that I cannot throw fuds out the kitchen window at my chickens anymore. I will have to get a slop bucket like a civilized wench.

Also, my face…it turns out it was just dirty. HA HA. The tea tree oil is TOTALLY eliminating the pain I was having. Once a day, cut in half with some sweet almond oil (massage type, just plain). I use about a tablespoon and swab it on with a cotton and then let it sit for about ten. Bonus: the cotton goes in my toilet bowl after where it seems to be keeping it cleaner. I got a brain wave and decided to start using Jason brand tea tree oil shampoo and HOLY CATS my head does not itch anymore. Great comments from Team Asshole here as well about the magic properties of tea tree oil. THANKS. DIE BUGS! Or Bug poop! Or WHO CARES, my face doesn’t hurt. Non-bonus: now that the inflammation is quelled, you can see all my cool exploded capillaries. CRONE-ESQUE.

Coming soon: post-court new assbanner. Can you incorporate fall and courtgasm? Let’s find out.

21 Responses to “What I Was Doing When No One Was Looking”

  1. iasshole says:

    Man typo city. I pretty much worked and painted for 9 hours today. HOW ARE YOU? I AM FINE.

  2. krumpy says:

    OHHHH, I love the new digs! Esp love the gold in the dining room. And the ginormous back yard. Congratulations on your new home!!!

  3. V's Herbie says:

    Tea Tree oil is also good for removing that lingering funky smell at the bottom of the kitchen trash. Basically if it’s microscopic, and you want it dead, Tea Tree Oil.

  4. iasshole says:

    Krumpy, thanks! It is my pipe dream to host you in it someday…

    V’s–I can think of some laundry-related applications for this as well. I’ll be keeping the industry in business.

  5. JP says:

    Circus bedroom! Franny++

  6. snozma says:

    That is truly a dream house.

  7. AntMac says:

    Hey, your NEW front door is the exact shade of red the Royal Post Office uses!. Swanky.

    The house is really extremely tidy looking, the floors look brand new!, so pretty your new house !, and I love the bathrooms. Somehow I had the idea it was an old house, and here, at least, that means ever so slightly run down.

    And good news about your face, no pain is a plus.

    I am very glad for you guys, sj

  8. A says:

    The house is soooooo beautiful. What a great yard! I love the color choices. But wait, what color is your room?

  9. SJ says:

    I’m sleeping in the guest room til the basement’s done, which will be my room. I don’t have pictures of the basement yet! They did terrible things involving cerulean blue paint to the original paneling.

  10. A says:

    I am a bit jealous that you are going to have a basement lair. That was my teenage dream.

  11. dorrie says:

    New house looks great, and will only improve as you SJ-ify. You know what I mean. It’s so clean!

  12. hovy says:

    I’m blanking, but are you using the tea tree oil from the Body Shop? ‘Cause whenever I use the bottle that I picked up from there, it smells like the inside of a tire store.

    My face now gives good skid mark, incidentally.

  13. SJ says:

    Nooo, I dunno what’s in that, but I got the pure stuff from PCC. It does smell very medicinal though.

  14. jesslla says:

    Aw, man. I love your house! It’s so colorful and cheerful! Franny’s room is *awesome* as is the pink and blue bathroom.

  15. elswhere says:

    Congratulations on the new place! We had those exact same kitchen tiles in our old place in Seattle; I always loved them. Also: Gas stove!!1!

  16. J.B. says:

    Some wrestlers use Tea Tree oil to treat ringworm. I just use bleach.

    I have mondays and wednesdays without the kiddo. Coffee?

    Good luck/congratulations on the move.

  17. SJ says:

    Yes Wednesdays are good! I need to email you about some furniture….

  18. Lorena says:

    That new house looks FABULOUS! Love, love, love both the inside and out.

  19. witch says:

    I’m loving the colours I see. When you run out of things to do with the walls, here are some ceilings for your consideration. :D

    http://www.shelterness.com/50-ceiling-design-ideas/

  20. SJ says:

    OOOH. Now you’re just waving a red cape in front of my already rampant Apartment Therapy addiction.

  21. shauna says:

    7TH GRADE, what the hell!? Look at that kid go :)

    This house is magnificent! If I was closer I would come over with my paintbrush and help. Just don’t let me near your edges.

    Good luck on Monday comrade xxxxx