This is my happening and it freaks me out

Billy: I can’t imagine anybody firing you.
Penny: Neither could I. Now, I can visualize it really well. But you know, everything happens–
Billy: Don’t say for a reason.
Penny: No! No, I’m just saying “everything happens”.

–Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog

Hey Team. How’s tricks? I am taking two minutes to say that trial has been bumped. It was supposed to be today but got pushed forward a week. All I know about how these things work is what I’ve been learning as I go. Apparently we fell off the case schedule somehow, which the judge’s bailiff says…happens sometimes. SeaFed is taking things up to eleven right now. On Friday he was haranguing me via text because we were interpreting the temporary plan differently. He thought it was his weekend, and I did not.

I used to think that showing any vulnerability to anyone unfriendly was a weakness and would present a problem. That it would be used against me somehow later. I think it’s true still in some cases–you can’t really have a groovy encounter session with someone who is yelling at you for no good reason at a bus stop. I think I kind of fell inward because of I was raised. If I could make a hard shell around myself, nothing would really affect me. Pretty typical, right? I think this is a common reaction for kids exposed to abuse. I always told myself if I was a little tougher, I would be okay, that I could survive anything that dropped into my path. I read books on survival, like literal survival, a la field dressing animals, and I tested myself. I fantasized about running away to somewhere safe, and I didn’t think that place was in the world of any adults I knew, so I thought about the woods. My freshman year of high school, sometimes the only occupant of the apartment I shared with my mother and sister for several days in a row was me. I stayed up for days at a time just to see if I could. I taught myself how to meditate from a weird book I took out from the library and would zone out for hours at a time, just kind of maintaining. You get a little weird when you’re a social person and you spend that much time alone.

Nowadays I care less if people see my human face. You want to throw my real actual feelings back at me and mock me for them? You are uninvited from this party, because not only can I not relate to you, but I feel sorry for you. Not that people care…but I can’t really achieve parity with someone I pity. I think some people never quite evolve out of that cruel childish place. And we all slip back there sometimes. I’m not saying I’m some kind of superior evolved creature.

Anyway, Friday was one of those days that I did something kind of unexpected. SeaFed started texting me, and lately he’s been trying to catch me out with some amateur Columbo shit. He emailed about a month ago and was asking me about upcoming dates in October that extend past the temporary parenting plan. I replied that I thought we should discuss it later since I reckoned the permanent parenting plan would supersede the temporary one. “Are you saying you’re NOT going to return her on the weekend of X?” he replied. No, that is not what I’m saying.

So when I started replying to his texts on Friday, we really went to the “does not compute” place. I told him, impolitely and forthrightly, that I felt his lack of ability to synthesize information was causing trouble yet again. Naturally, he replied with NO U and continued to harangue me. “You better consult with your lawyer,” he warned me. His inability to understand documents that get ever so slightly off black and white and require some thought and finesse means that he hits the wall and immediately starts demanding the kid. I’m trying to finalize a parenting plan that is pretty black and white. That is how wrong I was and how serious this was. I decided to tell him the truth. “I will report to my lawyer that you’re bullying me,” I said. I told him he was upsetting me by harassing me like this and that I wouldn’t be replying to any more of his texts that day. His last response included something similar to, “I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing here.”

His next move was to email me, my lawyer, and the guardian ad litem to tattle on me. He attempted to attach the parenting plan, but instead attached a different document, our Orders re Motion for Adequate Cause to Change the Parenting Plan, and cited sections from the temporary parenting plan that naturally were not there. I really didn’t see what good this might do. The GAL had finished her investigation (and was supposed to submit her findings on Friday but is AWOL, which is completely confounding my lawyer), and my lawyer wasn’t going to jump to help him with a contextless email with an incorrect attachment.

The point of relating all of this, which I am aware is beyond repetitious and tedious by now, is to say I’m glad I told him he was bothering me. He will continue to do so regardless, and obviously doesn’t believe I am having feelings or whatever. I understand that in communicating with him, achieving whatever goal we have is the first priority (establishing drop off time or whatever), but when things get circular like that, pointless, why not try a little personal growth? I don’t think he understood the “game I was playing” because I wasn’t playing one. This whole, um, journey for the past year and a half or so has involved him trying to get someone, anyone to see how I “tricked” him into moving away and giving up his residential time. I am constantly being tricky, and also probably glib.

I told Strudel’s dad what was happening with all this on Friday and he said something that brought me up short: maybe he’s acting like this because he’s frightened. He was hammering my lawyer with questions at the pretrial conference about what would happen and what trial is like and how long it is, and he has no lawyer, so maybe this recent increase in assholeism is fear-based. Much like I don’t really show him anything beyond the most terse responses, typically, I never see anything human from him anymore. Though, to be honest, a great deal of the reason I left him is because he didn’t seem to care about much of anything, in word or in deed. I got tired of all my feelings falling on deaf ears.

Feelings: I am still having them, shocking, I know. They are still pointless to share with SeaFed, especially now. And I know this. I am not affronted to be perceived as playing games. I am glad I was honest with myself and how I felt on Friday, though. It feels better somehow. I’m actually not freaked out, despite my title-quote, nor am I afraid like I was last year. Everything will…turn out. Like it always does.

In Other News.

Goethe hates Neato. Horace loves Goethe and just wants to be part of her life, man. Goethe loves Horace when she is not defending hearth and home from INVADERS! Get used to it, Gert. Neato works every day from 8-10 now.

11 thoughts on “This is my happening and it freaks me out

  1. I think Strudel’s dad is right about SeaFed being scared and freaked out. Also, not being in control probably is wigging him the fuck out. It sucks that you’re going through all this.

  2. What Brigid Keely said. I’m mostly echoing the last sentiment, that it sucks that you’re going through this. I wish it would just fall into place for you and your family and that you could avoid dealing with this whole mess, but at least it’ll come to a head soon. Until then, keep on keeping on, I suppose! I’m sure things will turn out right in the end, just as you said.

  3. S.J. , I don’t know if I ever admitted to be of the male persuasion?. I only own up to it now* , because I want to say that I really really think you are right on the money, with the whole “Is frightened because he has a feeling he is not in control” thing.

    I think it is normal business for us male critters, to feel that loss of control of important events is real frightening. We can learn to deal with it and not be a bloody problem for those around us, but it is like the thing with the drinking, where we have to admit we HAVE this as a problem.

    I second the wish this all would just go away for you mate, but I am sure you will win out.

    Gothe is the genuine Attabiya cat !.

    * We are not all of us bastards, but don’t take any of us at our word about that, eh, because too many of us are. =[

  4. I’m sorry you are going through all this too SJ. Every time I read your stuff about it I think “Too much! For too long!”….by that I mean too much for you and Franny to endure. When you write about this topic I always wonder whether SeaFed and his family read your blog too, particularly given you wrote years ago about them using some of your writings to justify themselves in court. The junior survivalist behaviour is fascinating.

  5. OH MY GLOB. This seems endless and I am not even the one dealing, you are, and I am sorry about that. I just have to believe that things will be sorted out when you FINALLY get to court. I hope your GaL shows up, that is random.
    It’s not boring or tedious, btw, I find it fascinating to hear how your story is playing out. Please keep us posted, I for one really do care.

  6. Thanks for your replies, everyone. This is endless! I worry about my endocrine system sometimes, heh. I guess we’re not settling since after months of not much he has now left his trial brief with my lawyer. I am fascinated and horrified by its potential contents. I’ll be posting more, probably. I want to remember EVERYTHING.

  7. At least we can provide a communal sympathetic ear and it gives you a chance to kind of set your feelings in order and free fire?. I would hope we do at least that much to support you.

    One day you will look back on all this, it will be behind you, and you will be going on with your life unmolested by it, S.J.

  8. <> for you and Franny : / Really sorry to hear that this is continuing to drag on and on.

    I can totally relate to the meditation thing for self-protection and escape. Well, that’s what I used it for. I got a book in 8th grade that was supposed to teach me how to do astral projection. It didn’t ever work, but I think I learned how to balance my chakras without knowing it.

    Sending you strength via the ethernet!

  9. It just breaks my heart (and makes my fists twitch to deck someone) that you are still going through this after so bloody long. It does sound like he’s frightened but it sucks that you have to cop the brunt of it. A comment feels so inadequate (as opposed to showing up to yours with gin) but hope you feel the supportive lurve from here! LURVE!

  10. Here’s hoping that reasonable people will prevail. You are a brave soul for sharing. Stay the course. Trust but verify. Feed a cold, starve a fever.

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