Sometimes I am full of the Dickens. At other times, it is the usual amount of P and V, as anyone who knows me in real life can attest to (pinch, pinch, pinch, you broccoli asses.)

Sometimes I unleash said Dickens on complete strangers, just because they gave me the stink eye.

Today, when I was leaving Fred Meyer (What’s on YOUR list today, Asshole?) to collect my car from the covered garage I saw a very hateful looking-woman getting out of the car next to me as I was getting into mine. She watched me as I opened my door, which wouldn’t have come close to hers even if I had swung it all the way open. BWA-BOOP went her car alarm. She went to the front of the store to collect a cart and continued to watch me like I was Winona Ryder at a sidewalk sale.

I backed Jerome out in my usual slow, careful fashion that one acquires after spawning (even though the Bubs was at home) and saw her reset her alarm after I got far enough away. It seemed she had her alarm set up so high that an eyelash would have set it off. I pulled away, shaking my head. Some people! Then I had that itch…you know?

I pulled around the garage again, but instead of heading for the exit I coasted back to my vacated spot…next to her car, and…I gave three loud solemn honks, just like the signal in the garage where Lee Harvey Oswald was assassinated. The Stink-eye Woman’s car went off like an angry baby: AAAWAAH! AAAWAAH! AAAWAAH!

She was still sort of hovering in the entrance, no doubt trying to decide which poorly manufactured sale item would soothe the hate in her soul. She recognized the distinctive cry of her car, and ran out to placate it. She saw me, in my car staring at her. Stink-eye Woman pointed at me, like she was attempting to smite me down. I could see her face twist as she mouthed the word “YOU.”

I waved at her as I drove away.

I think I have this great reservoir of untapped evil. If it were the Middle Ages I’d be seducing lords with full treasuries and then lopping their heads off. I’d be grinding up puppies in a giant pestle to use as a beauty poultice. Where does it go, all this excess evil? I don’t think I’m passive aggressive, so I don’t leave the forks greasy or forget to feed the cats. I’m hoping that by containing it it will help me Burn Fat and have Shapelier Buttocks.