So I guess I’m blogging once a month right now. I still have that thing, that long, long entrenched habit, where I have racing thoughts about what I could write down, especially relating to the looking-glass that is work, but I’m not getting there. Something in my motivation has changed, post-corn. I used to feel like I was always running to something significant, like a good change, like more opportunities to do what I want with writing or travel or my hobbies. I’m not saying my life was always topsy-turvy, it wasn’t, just that there was something on the horizon. Lately I feel very static, like some pudding that has set up too much.

I spend a lot of time avoiding situations that will make me sick. Before I used to throw myself into them, because I had no idea what I was doing. I don’t know how to describe this well…before, I was always ill. I always felt bad and just learned to cope and try to grit my teeth and be pleasant. Now I feel well most of the time but I hardly go anywhere or see anyone. I have been considering masks but I feel like that crosses a line somehow. Says the person who prepares all of her own food and travels with her own sheets.

me rollin up in the art museum with my homies

I am going to try some nasal filters to see if that will help. When we go out we make like Persephone but we all still have to breathe.

Sometimes I think about jumping back in and eating and drinking corn with gusto, if only to get that frantic feeling of being REALLY ALIVE for a few hours, but then I remember that my hair was falling out and sometimes I would go completely, momentarily deaf from tinnitus. Lots of people live secluded, unknown lives and always have, but it is hard to step back and out of the world. I used to feel driven to write something, anything, even if it was complete garbage or something like, well, a blog (Venn diagram overlaps sometimes). Now it’s pulling teeth. My brain doesn’t crackle, it just sits, gelling. I’m facing living longer (maybe) but being completely bored with myself.

I don’t burden my girls with my thoughts along these lines. It’s not for them. They’re not my friends, they have no idea what existential horrors and delights will come when they’re in their 30s (neither do I of course). I do hope I intervened with them young enough that they won’t feel as outside of the world as I do lately. I hope we will all be able to find an acceptable way to get through.

It’s their first days of school.

This new middle schooler is a little excited.

This Satanist is starting her junior year.

There is something on the other side that is NOT black:

Normally I am frantic for them to go back to school, but this year they’ve been so easy and fun to hang out with. I’ve spent the last week with them because I got laid off (building was about finished).

No more being up on tall roofs for the moment. Next week I go to a week-long class that’s meant to be a first year trade orientation, kind of like electrician boot camp was. I’m in a pickle at the moment because of course they didn’t process my automatic union dues correctly, and I can’t come to class without a receipt. Administrative problems are rife in this union as well it seems. I’m sure I can straighten it out with a phone call.

If I don’t get back in a month…Friday (9/9) is my 15 year blog anniversary. I have outlasted Samuel Pepys at this point, though he was more frequent and diligent. I have some images I want to replace this banner with, but am even failing at replacing them (this template is completely terrible and I think it’s not helping with writing more often), which seems like a good project for an idle Friday when I am waiting to go to school and the girls are gone. Happy fall.

10 thoughts on “Asspophasis

  1. Whatever, however, wherever, you will always have a dear and loyal reader in me. Nothing wrong with gelling.

  2. When I get out of beta hell (please killlllll meeeeeeee) we need to go play. Or walk. Or something. Anything. I MISS YOU ASSHOLE (was looking at those masks because internet and if you can find one that looks like the Alien facehugger I WILL BUY THAT SHIT FOR YOU IMMEDIATELY.

  3. happy bloggiversary! wishing you well, hopefully your life picks back up and throws you into good situations again soon. Lulls are the worst.

  4. I’ve been reading you for years and loving every word. Corn or no corn, paleo before and after, you’re my homegirl. I ask myself the same questions: how come it feels so bad now when I used drink soda, eat popcorn and lived for a ruben on rye. But, looking back I wasn’t doing so well actually. I had bad skin and a bad attitude and I didn’t even know it because I’d never not had it.

    We’re older now and things are not going to be like they were. In that vein, the way we feel today is not the way we will feel tomorrow, next month, next year. I see golden days in your future and more words and more writing. Right now you are getting through, showing up when you can and that is enough.

  5. Thanks suenos, that is really nice to hear right now. I am older! Fingers crossed that in another 10-15 years I’ll have other things to gripe about instead of the really bad health problems other older people in my family have had (basically all my symptoms but magnified by years of living with it).

  6. Oh your girls! How is it possible that Strudel is in middle school. I remember when Franny was wee and you were a baby librarian student. 15 years of blog and we do not tire of your opus. Congratulations inspiring, witty, insightful, beautiful you!

  7. Aaaaahhh, girls so tall! And smiley!

    I will read anything you write for infinity more years. I need to go back to the archives because there are some posts that made me laugh til I cried.

Comments are closed.