So I’m all going to yoga and all, and feeling really good about things, generally. I kicked caffeine while I had the flu so now I’m all Zenned out and some junk and not having big crashes during the day. I also had a cup of yerba mate at my studio the other day when I showed up a little early, and you know, that stuff is absolutely hippie crank. My glue huffing days are over, so I have to take my thrills where I can get them. (Nipple pinching, buttsecks, waiting for Xmas Steve, etc.) AND Whippet came over and gave me a Pilates mat class today, and I am all what the hooey is up with my super exercising self, but then I remember that LO I have JANUARY LIGHT-DEP MANIA. AS USUAL. Fear for my nervous system.

You know, that was absolutely the best part of public school–the shit you could get away with. I could sit in my studio art class and literally huff glue out of a soda can and no one noticed. I had a friend who did acid every day for a month and no one noticed that either. Probably I could have also lit a ceremonial bonfire and picked up a Coke bottle with my chocha and this would have gone on without remark as well. Except for the stoners sitting back in Stoner’s Corner with me, and they would have put some singles in my coconut-shell bra. Later I would discover that it wasn’t actually singles at all, but rolling papers with a smudgy white guy drawn on with pen who looked sort of like George Washington, but sort of like Abe Vigoda.

But I digress.

Anyway, things are well. How are you? Still nursing that nasal spray habit? I thought so, because you will always be that little nasal spray bitch.

But come closer…I will spin plates while I tell you about my pubes. I used this hip-hop-happening new stuff called Betty Beauty, which is specifically for “The Hair Down There, Tee Em.” They ask the intriguing mindbender, “Is Your Betty Ready? Tee Em?” Well played, Betty Beauty, or as I shall call you, Beaucephalis Beauty. You are a grown-up product. You deserve a grown-up name: Beaucephalis.

Also, I get around a fair bit, and I am a nosy Assmitten, and I did not know this Lady Beauter Secret, did you??? I need more anecdotal information in this regard.

So, you take the little kit, which costs twenty bone. Let us keep in mind Thee Cadillac of Drug Store Hair Dye, Feria, costs only ten bone a box. BUT, Beaucephalis assures us, there are ONE to THREE applications in each bottle. Hmm, lottery style, I wondered? But no, the directions assure me, I can get three servings by consorting with my treacherous yet handsome nemesis, Math Matherson.

I did some, like, one-to-two (1:2) mixing jive so I could eke out more servings of product and put the bleach on my poor lady parts, but only on the Safe Zone (tee em, for realla). I did not follow all the rules, and went down to my skin, because who wants pube roots, really? It will be a cold day in Hell before someone refers to my ladyparts by the moniker Tiny Emily Valentine.

I left it on for the recommended half hour for medium blonding. Beaucephalis Beauty recommends another twenty minutes for platinum, but I thought it was light enough. Plus, the bleach hurt like hell and left my skin…matching my hair. WOW! If I want that kind of itching and burning in my crotchoidal region, I’ll hang out at the plasma donation clinic, honestly.

I hopped in the shower and rinsed, dried, and applied the pink dye. The box had me thinking it was going to be crazy eye-blistering pink like the box or like Special Effects Atomic Pink. Instead, it was sort of that sad thing you get when you’re fifteen and you’re totally desperate, and you heard somewhere that Kool-Aid can totally dye your hair, man! So it’s a kind of sad, faded, slumber party pink.

But I do give them props–it does not come off on towels or clothing, as they say. Points there for Team Beaucephalis. Now if only they can marry the brightness of Special Effects with the non-rub-offness…I don’t think it’s possible.

That’s it in a nutshell. I don’t think the hour and the burning sensation is worth it, unless you’re really eager-beaver (hur hur) to cover some greys.