Give Us This Day Our Daily Humiliation

I have been making fun phone calls today and getting my ducks in a row for the fall. It was a day of those kind of phone calls where you feel like you would take the hit and just lose an arm rather than make. I have vivid fantasies about sticking a math compass in my leg repeatedly. How many pokes til I can be absolved of making phone calls? One of those calls was to my ex-husband, and I did not expect to hear from him for days, but he called me back that morning. Shocker!

I had the joy of asking him to pay half of his kid’s tuition. His stance on this as of a couple of years ago was, “Private school would be great if it was free,” so I haven’t spent a lot of time bothering him about money. But I am done working for the school and it is out-of-pocket again, and I have heard rumors that he is being less of a luser, so I thought I’d take a crack at it.

Rather than asking him if he would contribute, I told him what the total was and asked him how he wanted to handle it. We could pay the office separately? He just shut me down. “I owe something? Do I owe you for the other years, too?”

Then he made some vague noises about paying his half up front with the proceeds of the house he just sold, but I will knit myself a vagina suit if he actually pays.

I feel really weird about this, because on one hand, her school is “optional.” On the other, we agreed to it in the beginning when she was two and a half and for every year after that. I hadn’t even discussed the next school year with him til now, which I guess is my fault?

My face burns every time I think about it today. What do you do in a situation like this, when someone refuses to provide agreed-upon expenses like education and medical? And then they tell you they are optional? But they still want to spend all the 50/50 time they are entitled to. I wish I was woarlike enough to go to court all the time, except I’m not. Not that it would do any good, in the long run.

Then I told him I was having her molars sealed and he said something vague about having dental insurance himself now. That’s nice for his new family, I guess. Then he told me he was moving to the island for the summer, and could I keep Franny for a few extra days, because he was in California? And could he make that up later? Yes, you can make that up when I get a check for three grand. LOOOOOL

In Conclusion, bring me:

1. a mai tai
2. Ben Barnes
3. a pink taser with kitty head on it!

16 thoughts on “Give Us This Day Our Daily Humiliation

  1. I totally get why you want Ben Barnes. Not too sure why you want a mai tai or a taser though :-) No seriously, that sounds like a rough day.

  2. Oh I can think of several reasons for the taser after that post! and you just deserve a mai tai for putting up with that, what an ass hat.

  3. I hadn’t even discussed the next school year with him til now, which I guess is my fault?

    Right, because he doesn’t know that he has a kid who’ll be going to school again next year. Not.

    You deserve that mai-tai.

  4. Facetiousness: my coping technique, let me sho you it.

    Seriously, though. Sometimes I think if we disappeared that would suit him fine.

  5. I rather prefer the option of him disappearing menwhile leaving vast amounts of dead presidents to you and your mini me.

    Put that in your Mai Tai and drink it! :)

  6. Number 3 should have been “The head of SeaFed on a silver platter.” Oh, but then, I guess you would have even less chance of getting paid…

  7. i Hate the fucken phone….
    it is the rooot of all evilz so when it rings tooo much and it’s not my kids i have the habit of stashing the cordless in the couch cushions.

    also: co-parenting with a Jack Ass ain’t no walk in the motherfucken park, neither.
    don’t you wonder what the hell he must be Thinking?? Must be nice to have the OPTION to do what’s right (and sometimes expensive) for your own dang kid.

  8. The devil you do know is better than the devil you don’t.

    Expect the worse; people like that never change. Just be thankful you’re not with the hamster hole any longer. But I think you handled that VERY well.

  9. Dude, you totally missed your chance when he asked about owing for previous years. You should have just snapped out a “Yes. Let me send you an invoice”.

  10. God I hate that freaking dude. I really despise him. Not that he’s particularly unique, in the world of deadbeat dads. They always seem to feel like they’re doing plenty for their kids just by harassing you to see them whenever they want.

  11. I would like to see the vagina suit if you end up knitting it… would like to make one for my own twat. Do you think I could crochet one??

  12. i have two comments here.

    1) to your ex: accidents happen all the time. (said in an ominous tone)

    2) court does not make you woarlike. this man needs a good suing…and a good accident for good measure.

    that said, enjoy the mai tai and i hope you get the taser. ;)

  13. Sorry about your asshat. I have one of my own that doesn’t see why he has to pay any child support at all. Phone calls are not pleasant at all. Mai tais all around!!

  14. I was at work and reading random blogs (a big no-no, but I am nothing if not an e-rebel) and I just read your blog about peeing (back in Febrauary of 2004), and how you go on about how nice it is to be in a cold pool and pee and have a warm pee cloud around you.

    I laughed and laughed and I now have mascara running down my face because a) the laugh produced real, actual tears of joy and b) an eyelash decided to pop on over and see how the retina was hanging. I look like I got punched in the face but who the hell cares, and also why go wash it off when I know I’ll just laugh some more?
    Thank you for writing about urine on the internet.

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