I got stabbed by a “well-meaning” doctor last week who gave me some vaccine that caused a crazy reaction. At least there was no medical mask over beard hairs. BARF OUT. Ladies only, yall. Long story short, I was kind of jacked last week. No podcast, no nuffin. Last Saturday night I was a samurai hobo with Ruby, except this time the sake was terrible and I couldn’t finish it.
Ruby took me to see the comedian Arj Barker, whom you may know from Flight of the Conchords fame. I do not, since I only listen to the videos on internet, but I heard him on the radio once and he seemed okay to me.
The funny thing was before the show, when we discovered that the Showbox decided to perpetrate a cruel sociological experiment by setting up some of the bar/counter seating with an odd number of chairs. This resulted in an empty seat next to me. Presently a short man, possibly even a midget, walked up with another chair and brandished it at us slightly.
“Could I get you all to move just a couple of inches,” he said, in an entitled-dick voice. He was with a lovely, tall blonde woman who looked like she was wishing she were somewhere, anywhere else as she assiduously looked off to one side as he harangued us.
“If we moved over,” I said, with logic that was approaching epic levels, “she will get bumped off the end of this bar.” I pointed to a hapless woman at the very end who was looking concerned.
“If we could ALL just move TWO INCHES,” said Entitled Dick.
“I don’t know these guys and I don’t want to get ANY closer,” Ruby said, indicating the men next to her and making me love her even more.
He took one last run at it: “Just TWO INCHES.”
“That’s what she said,” I said. He squinted at me, but it was getting loud in the club.
“It is VERY CROWDED,” Entitled Dick said.
“That is because you are horning your chair in,” I said.
Finally Ruby and I passive-aggressively scooched our chairs over the tiniest bit and he squeezed in.
I quickly forgot about him and went back to enjoying my vodka tonic and chatting with Ruby. I couldn’t help but notice out of the corner of my eye he spent the entire time before the show on his iPhone, poking it and scrolling around while his companion looked around and over his shoulder, bored. I had a moment of wanting to pull a “IS THIS DICK BORING YOU, BABY?” but I restrained myself when I remembered I am not actually Justin Timberlake.
Right before the opener came out Entitled Dick took a phone call and he pulled his companion and left. Two men that we did not have a traumatic history with swooped in and took their seats, which was great with me.
GOD HELP ME all I want to do today is listen to “Landslide” and eat spray cheese out of the can.