Author Archives: iasshole

AY YI YI! Rinse, Repeat

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I’m off to a job interview tomorrow that may be a two-day process. I will be freaking out aplenty, in classic I, Asshole freakout fashion, but I will probably be inflicting it all on my audioblog. Which is very, very, very, like-watching-your-grandma-make-porridge-for-the-9-millionth-time, boring.

I think I did my research right. I’ve got stuff to say about collection development, I’ve researched the town, and I can sell myself like a motherfucker. I will need a place to stay if I get called back for a second interview the next day, and I need a place to change when I get there, so I am thinking about checking into a hotel on speculation. Is this jinx-ey? Or smart? I really think I’d at least get a callback. I mean, this public library wants to interview me and I don’t have any demonstrated library experience. Which means a) I am an ass-kicker on paper, or 2) all the other candidates looked like floaters. We shall see.

When Readers Attack!!!

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Received today:

“Dammit, am I bitter! Unless & until I can receive daily writings from Vonnegut, Robbins, & HST, you (and Pussy Ranch) are my fix.
I’m not asking you to pen a new “Gravity’s Rainbow.” Just write. Every day. It’s what you do, or have you forgotten?
Please don’t disappoint me…you wouldn’t like me when I’m disappointed….
So overlook the enormous crush I have on you & simply focus on being obscenely prolific so’s I kin git mah yaya on!!!
RedBeans&Ricely,
John W. Reader
(The “W” stands for “Bitchin'”)”

Goodgod. I�m competing with Pussy Ranch? COOL. Yessir.

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Just The Facts, Ma’am

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Here is what happened in court: restraining order, I was awarded “emergency” primary custody, and the judge scolded Frannie’s dad. I was also presented with his rebuttal to my claims. After reading it, I guess I should be glad he never listened to me or remembered anything correctly now. All those gorgeous wool sweaters he shrunk in the dryer were worth it, I guess. Fuck, it was expensive, but I’m glad I hired a lawyer. I am going back to court June 8th to get primary custody for the duration of the divorce. My lawyer offered him very generous visitation, which he rejected, so we went in front of a judge who gave him much less. It was the hardest day I think I ever had; I cried before I went in. This is probably about all I should say.

Yarr.

Service Interruption

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“I think we could do an entire blog post on what the hell Kelis is talking about, but my guess is that the milkshake is more an abstract than necessarily only top or bottom. That’s what makes it so filthy and yet so cool. I think her milkshake is the whole package, including psychological characteristics.”

–Daniel Talsky, Tinyblog

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What’s Up With the Get Down

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I. Uncompassionate Liberalism

What up, my people. I knew my luck would turn; it was due to any motherfucking second. I got my first motherfucking job interview: young adult librarian. Honestly! I think I fooled some fuckers there�I am just a surprised as you are. Hiring me to be a young adult librarian would be like building a robot to raise your child…or like one of those sad experiments where you rip the little monkey away from its mother and put it with a fuzzy thing with a nipple. Are you feeling me here?

The interview’s in a couple of weeks and I am very excited, although I can’t shake that fraudulent feeling I have. However, they know I am delaying graduation until August…I just hope they don’t ask why. (“Life ran over my head.”)

I hope that I hear back from the academic librarian positions that I would feel better suited for. (Also, pays more.)

So, the punchline is: back to being a brunette for the interview…and maybe forever. Unless I become a renegade librarian. Yarr.

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Special Fun Box: Poll!

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AIIIGHT, I am pretty much almost always thinking about my special fun box (SFB) and opportunities that are afforded with said SFB. Rzan left a comment in my last post referring to hers as a “hoohoo,” making me go “hoohoohoohoo” in my office for several minutes. Regular readers know that we at the offices of I, Asshole also refer to our SFB as a “No-No Place.” I am thinking about also adopting “my fhqwhgads,” but my poor companion has enough of a speech impediment.

I (very disrespectfully) used to call my baby’s daddy’s stabbin’ arm “Mr. Dickums,” which he hated. I was an awesome wife.

Anywho, what do you call your No-No Place?

That’s MS. Bossy to You, Fuckers

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YAY! A reply from the first library I applied to!!!

Hello Mr. Asshole,

Doh! Well, okay, I do have the sexually ambiguous first name. And I am glad that my cover letter didn’t smack of girlie. Whatever that means. I am confusing myself. All I’m saying is, I did not print my CV on Hello Kitty letterhead, though it was HELLO-tempting.

On behalf of Foo-foo LaRue, Interim Associate University Librarian, this email is to acknowledge receipt of your application materials for the position of Resource Specialist Librarian. We appreciate your interest and will give your candidacy every consideration.

WOOO! MIAMI!!! LOL!!!111

State of Confusion University’s Academic Professional search procedures are thorough…

Uh-oh. Now I must thoroughly distribute brand new Abraham Lincolns to everyone on my reference list.

…and do take some time to complete. We will attempt to keep you informed of our progress as we go through the various review processes.

Yes, I know–sometimes the covered-wagon mail truck doesn’t get through. I hate this blither blather.

We are requesting that you complete voluntary Applicant Data Sheet located at: http://chittychittybangbang.edu and email it to me TorrenceMcCracken@scu.edu as an attachment. This information allows the University to meet its obligations for applicant tracking under Federal regulations.

I left this out the first time, because I am one of those “Race is a social construct” jerkasses. You must send us this voluntary form. Mmm-kay. As my friend pointed out, it would probably be okay to not fill out any of it and send it back. But I prefer to bend over. In my reply I told them that I would be DELIGHTED to provide them with ANY OTHER information they need, up to and including erotic dreams I have had about Michael J. Fox.

Again, thank you for your interest in the State of Confusion U. Library, and we look
forward to getting your Data Sheet soon.

Damn it! I am the bitch of the application progress. I wonder if anyone there has cars that want washing?

Update! 4:15 PM

Fuck this…my concentration has gone the way of Victorian Uterine Theories. No more job applications. I am just sitting here with the Sunday DTs. THE BUGS! THE BUGSTHEBUGSTHEBUGS!

Smells Like Burning

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Oh, they were right. Greek sausage with peanut sauce, preceded by a vodka tonic is a bad idea.

I’d go to my room and sleep, but I am afraid of asphyxiating the babe and me with the fumes.

And…scene! Quality blogs since ’01!

In Which We Follow Frannie Dawn-to-Dusk

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i.

“Jo began to dance a jig, by way of expressing her satisfaction, Amy nearly fell out of the window in her surprise, and Meg exclaimed, with up-lifted hands, ‘Well, I do believe the world is coming to an end.'”

-Chapter 6, Little Women

Miss Frannie stirred, and woke up at her usual time of seven-thirty. Beforehand, she stops snortling, then she begins wiggling, and finally she snaps her little mouth open and shut a few times, smacking loudly. The day begins. I peeked over the side of my bed, as always, down to her little bed at the foot of mine.

“Hey, Bunny.”

She blinks at me and gets up, clutching her dirty Patty. She doesn’t know that this is Patty II. The first went in for a washing-machine bath and never returned. Patty II doesn’t have yellow footies that smell funny, like Patty I did. Frannie was still nude from her bath last night.

She cuddled with me for a minute and then stood up unexpectedly. This was not part of her normal morning routine with me. She started shaking her butt in my face and flailing her arms around.

“Booty dance! Booty dance! Booty dance!” she yelled.

It’s always a good day when Frannie gets enough sleep.

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