Fly Like a Rat: Liveblog for No Good Reason

6:23 a.m. HELLO. Welcome to Liveblog* ’10…Electric…Bonobo Pen. (???) Expect more of that type of massacring of the English language as the day commences, because those four hours of sleep I got last night simply FLEW by. BOY I thought I was free-associating yesterday? Just wait. Seriously, though, I am very excited to wrap up this contract, which has been good to me. Very good. When I am at work, I don’t even walk: muscular, beleaguered hamsters act as a gentle live palanquin. Don’t even question that. The Seattle tech scene is all about the hamster palanquin. This group was especially dedicated, however.

Sitting here thinking about my day I feel pretty good. I am going to be optimistic because I had several moderate head injuries in high school and say that I may even get through my to-do list. HA HA HA! JUST KIDDING! Or am I? BRB commuting, see you in a couple of hours.

8:37 a.m.: I’ve Got Fangs, You’ve Got Rabies Well HELLOOOO there. It’s pretty quiet here this morning. Last night I was out til 12:30 at live music with Ruby. We saw Quintron and Miss Pussycat, which is an outfit out of New Orleans. Ruby wanted to see some shows on her return from the Midwest–she even went to Noah’s Ark in Wisconsin, which is allegedly the largest water park in the U.S. I believe it, as the Wisconsin Dells are a tourist trap of delightfully epic proportions. I have a story about Noah’s Ark, which I will tell later.

The verdict on the show: not so good. Once I saw it was a possible show we could go to, I went to the googamachine and hunted up some videos to see how they were. They looked awesome live–kind of some hybrid of The Cramps, the B-52s, and Boss Hog. I was in. The show started with a puppet show which was adorable and well done, and about as simple as a kids’-style puppet show with an adult twist should be. There was jungle animals and magic and policemen getting beheaded.

Then the music started. It was like a switch flipped and every former frat boy shoved to the front of the stage. Elbows were flying and the ladies who were up front quickly fled to the fringes, except for this small chick who was obviously tripping balls and kept sitting down. Shirts flew off and white men were getting sweaty. CROWDSURFING started. Seriously? Crowdsurfing? The music was danceable and had a great beat, and it was nice to see Seattle audiences enthusiastic for once, but ock, no, bad touch. The hipsters who hung on to the edges were doing their little skippity hipster girl dances, via the spirit of undead Calvin Johnson. We kind of gave up a few songs in and called it a night.

“I am embarrassed for white people right now,” Ruby said.

However, I still like their music. Ok, back to work.

9:54 a.m. Dr. Dre “Still”: Woo it is Bastille Day! I don’t know about storming castles today, but I like the pattern forming here. I quit my last job on my birthday last fall. That was pretty ace. I had a funny thing when Ruby and I went out to dinner before the ugh-fated show last night. We were back at Quinn’s, which I cannot seem to stay away from lately.

We were seated and our server approached. “Do you have…a blog?” he asked me.

“Yes,” I said, my face burning. “I mean, noooo.”

“I cannot take you anywhere,” Ruby said.

Later I asked him if he would indulge me and tell me how he’d heard of me. It turns out a friend of his was a reader and passed my link on. “This is when I lived in Toronto,” he said.

“HOLD THE PHONE ARE YOU CANADIAN AND ARE YOU SINGLE,” I said, licking my finger and smoothing my eyebrows. This is how goddam suave I am. I should write one of them pick up artists books. Chapter One: “TAKE OFF PANTS NOW Y/Y.” Aggggh. I get into trouble when people know about the blog because I feel like that is a disclaimer. “Oh, so you KNOW I am an asshole already. My work is done here, we can just skip to the break up part.”

“NO and NO,” he said quickly. Ruby was rolling her eyes so hard I thought she was going to pass out.

“Ah,” I said. “I have a thing for Canadians. You are safe.” He humored me by looking relieved, in spite of the fact that he could not have possibly believed for one second he was ever unsafe. Was I even drunk at this point? No, I was not. I have no excuse. Later I was drunkish and I told him he looked like a cuter version of Crispin Glover. WHAT who was THAT LADY. It was like liquid cheese was coming out of my pores. I was a delicious human nacho fountain. Rudy was audibly tsking. At least she is never bored when we are out.

Lesson: if you ever encounter me and are Canadian, lie and say you are not.

11:23 a.m. Dan Savage Lovecast:

Over the past few months, my desk has gotten increasingly pinker where my left wrist rests. Whoops. I’m like the love child of King Midas and Strawberry Shortcake. Pink Creep!

12:15 p.m. Pete Rock, “I Got A Love”:

I just had a run in with my boss. “Can you do X, Y, and Z?” Yes, I already did. because I know how you roll and I am just that awesome. She invited me for a drink, which would be fun, but I knew everyone else on my team is out of town, so I had already made plans for tonight. They are talking about creating a position here with me in mind, which sounds nice and is very flattering, but sometimes these things do not get off the ground.

1:35 p.m. GETTIN ANTSY HERE. “Expert Chef”

HEY I just had what P. likes to call Crap by the Pound, which is buffet that gets weighed after. Then you have to have that reckoning moment where you say, am I really going to eat 47 pounds of Spaicy Tofu? Yes, yes I am. I had to go and have food down here one more time though. I also had a nice 15 minute conversation with my copyeditor and you will be pleased to know that we solved the whole world’s problems.

I was going to tell you about Noah’s Ark. Sorry, this story is going to be the razorblade in the apple that is my fluff today. But it will be short. When I was wee, my grandparents had a farm in Wisconsin, near the Dells, and we would spend time in the middle of nowhere in the woods doing things like hunting for asparagus and also time in town doing things like looking for the totally most bitchen gold-plated Eyetalian horn at the mall. (That was more the younger relatives.)

One summer we were planning on going whole hog and taking the entire pack of wild Italians to Noah’s Ark. The baby oil would flow! The white bathing suits would be rocked! And then there was me, the little whitey stepchild who was along for the ride…until I did or said something that pissed off my stepfather. We rolled into our parking spot, which seemed so far away from the park the waterslides looked like plastic piping.

“She’s staying here,” he said. “All day, in the car alone, as a lesson.” I was six.

I think about leaving my girls alone in a car outside of a waterpark for five or six hours while I went in to have fun, and my stomach just twists. I still remember that as one of the longest days of my life–I have rarely felt so completely alone. He doesn’t know it, but he taught me a lot about parenting, and that I would rather be loved than feared, though sometimes you need to choose what you will call on.

3:21 pm. It’s that bad place, you know? That ZZZZZ place. Oh, and Mos Def “Ms. Fat Booty”

I am on my last task. Switching to twitter after I leave, as is my custom after work to make a flurry of twoots fly out of my twoottwat and then I will try to update one more time later. Ok, be back drunker, ilu.


*All content comes from a timed release feed, outsourced from Romania, and is not actually live, nor is it created by the author, and especially not today on the clock. LOOK IT’S THAT JESUS-BUGGERING ELVIS-WIG ELEPHANT I LIKE SO MUCH.



I can has new jerb, telecommuting from home. I LOVE TELECOMMUTING, I EAT ALL THE BLUEBERRIES. I think I am starting at the end of the month. And I am looking at houses like mad! Looks like moving this summer for the first time in four years. So I am a little AGGGH and OMG and WHOA at the moment. But I aen’t ded. How you doin. I have new pictures up on Flickr and I am only slightly fatter, uglier, and older than the blog you married nine years ago.

Royal O’Reilly Tenenbaum (1932-2001) Died Tragically Rescuing His Family From The Remains Of A Destroyed Sinking Battleship

For the past few days I have had the (mis?)fortune of commuting with P., who will take up the entire bus ride with whatever his obsession of the moment is. I admire him a lot of the time, because he takes a more scientific and curious view of the natural and historical world, whereas I am usually hovering somewhere between shadenlulz and Machivellian on the What is SJ Up to Today? chart. Lately he is thinking about math. BARF OUT. Did I tell you I did 5 years in algebra with no time off for good behavior? In the end I knew the system. I was on light laundry duty and I even had copies of the keys. They had to let me out eventually, though.

So yesterday, on the bus.

“I was thinking about the quadratic equation,” P. said.

“Noooo,” I said. “Just no.”

“Well, what I was thinking was about how it originated, like how it was originally compiled and I…”

“Oh my GOD,” I interrupted. “I forgot to tell you. On the way home yesterday, I could not believe it, there was a BASKET OF KITTENS on the street!”


“Yes, and the bus driver did not notice and he RAN THEM OVER,” I continued.


“YES! And most of them were squished and you could see their little guts in the road all pink and smashed, and kitty heads, and THE SCREAMING OH GOD THE SCREAMING and the worst part is that SOME WERE CUT IN HALF AND WERE STILL ALIVE OH GOD I CANNOT LOCK THESE CAPS ANY HIGHER!”

“Oh Jesus,” P. said.

“Yes,” I said.

“I feel sad and nauseated now.”

“Well, that is how I feel when you speak to me about math,” I said.

En D’Autres Nouvelles

I am going to see Binary Star with Ruby on the 17th! I got into them about a year ago and then sort of wandered off. I think they’re great, though. I am surprised they are not touring on an album. When I heard they were coming, I assumed this was Splashy Comeback, but maybe they are ramping up. I love their sound. They really should have blown up when they put their albums out ten years ago. They really have that Midwest/Detroit sound, which makes me think of Eminem when he was all ye olde rap battle guy, but in a good way–there’s something about the cadences and rhyming patterns. The best part is that it is walking distance to my house, woot. I’m certain it will be better than Warren G, because really, a poke in the eye will probably be better than Warren G. Ruby won a concert package for the whole year, so she is making me Official Hiphop Ambassador on her tour. (I am the best she can come up with, heh heh.)

So, I think she is launching a blog, which I will link here, but I am thinking about giving my take along with her. This might call for a new category.

It Are December Post Some Fucking Lipton

Do I sound bitter lately? Do I come here just to be bitter? I am not, I assure you. In the spirit of updating you on Creeps Bothering Me, this morning on the bus I was buried in Girl Genius #8 with my teal earbuds in (very noticeable) and this guy started talking to me. I kind of genuinely missed it, because I was Billie Holiday and Agatha Heterodyne and he POKED ME ON MY SHOULDER. Who does that? He got the frowny brows and I popped out an earbud.

“What kind of shoes are those? I have never seen shoes like those.”

“I dunno, it’s the guy who designs for Ed Hardy.”

“Huh, those are cool.”


Okay, I am going to Canada this weekend, but I am podcasting before I go. I posed this question to the FYCL Facebook group, but I will ask you here: If you are a lady, and you consider yourself a feminist, what is your feminist hypocrisy? What is the one thing (or more) you do/say/think/buy/feel that contradicts your identity as a feminist?

Also I am enjoying the pudding out of this today:

Here Comes the Karma Truck

So. Things are going pretty well. Franny had her birthday and things have been fairly patched up around here…UNTIL. On Sunday Franny went out to practice devotional WASPishness with her father’s side of the family (tennis lessons) and I let Strudel watch a movie on her own, upstairs.

I heard some tiny elephant stamplings and didn’t think much of it, since Strudel does not have much of an attention span for TV and movies. I thought maybe she was taking breaks and coming back for more. What she WAS doing was breaking into the mints I bought Franny as part of her birthday present, and bolted about half of them in the time it takes to say, “Why did I not just buy a purse dog?”

Franny came home from rich white people church and went to her mints, and was very disappointed. She showed me the evidence and I tried to decide how to administer consequences. Strudel copped to doing it and I said, “Don’t steal from anyone. It makes people SAD AND ANGRY TO BE STOLEN FROM, right Franny?” Franny nodded slowly and I could see the wheels turning.

Tonight at dinner Strudel told us that the two youngest boys in her preschool class are looting her lunch for fruit every day. “They steal my BANANA every DAY!” she finished.

“And HOW does that FEEL?” I said, for what felt like the 50th time this week. “Did you feel SAD and ANGRY?” She nodded forlornly. “Well, that is how your sister felt when you stole her mints yesterday.” Again, the LOOK. Ohhhh.

Presumably if this trend continues a gang of wild weasels will come and nibble these fruit gafflers’ ears off, and then the weasels will be run down by an express bus, and so on.

Monkey chow out.


Hey, so since I am 28 years behind the curve at all times, I just now made a Bookface group for this myah blog. I will probably not post on it too often, unless my site blows up and then it will be to say “Im OK STFU.”

Interested parties may also like to know there is a FYCL group for the podcast. Joining it will cause a weekly update on your page giving you infos about links/sites we mentioned as well as the link to the download. As always we are on iTunes. And there is a new post up as of this morning, actually. We have a phone number now, and I think we are going to start taking voice recorded calls soon. WOOT.

If I have created a mess of link fail here, let me say that both I, Asshole and FYCL are publicly searchable on ye olde FB.

FYCL 7: The Interrupted Podcast


Hey, it’s lucky number seven! The exciting news here is that we are now on iTunes so you know it’s too legit to quit. Sexual taboos, dubious and non-dubious sex toys, Kanye West will let you finish but first he will be a jackass, and finding work in academia.

Direct grab:
iTunes (free):

Early Podcast

Hi Team,

Quick shout to say due to a prior commitment the Egg and I are podcasting tonight instead of tomorrow. I’ve gathered up some Q’s via comments, email, and even chat, but if you have been holding out, now is your chance.

Areas of expertise include: Sexing (people and chicks), texting, sexting, gardening, cooking, fashion, the Kennedy Administration, Lord of the Rings, successful lying, pretending not to be a good liar, chicken husbandry, wine, and sucking dick for drug money. And that’s just ME. Egg knows stuff too.

ETA: If you are bored and knocking around, it is up!