For the Interested Reader’s Elucidation, A Field Guide to Typical Species present at the Modern Library School.
Introduction.
What follows being an account of a field researcher’s immersion in the Library School environment for 1 year and 3 months. The English name of the species is followed by the Latin one.
The Librarian: (Librarius) In the simplest terms, the Librarian species may be classified by where they want to work, such as a public, private, or academic library. However, this species may be further divided into several subspecies, not all of which are listed here: “The Freedom Fighter,” “The Children’s Librarian,” and “The I-Would-Like-to-Sit-and-Read-Books-All-Day.”
The Freedom Fighter: (Librarius Gravitas) This subspecies of librarian is a huge opponent of the Patriot Act and believes that freely disseminating information is the world’s highest and noblest calling. Temperament ranges from dour and self-righteous to entertaining to consume alcoholic beverages with. This subspecies may be recognized by their obsession with the activities of Congress and their call: “We’ll see what the ACLU has to say about that.”
The Children’s Librarian: (Librarius Exaspero) It is difficult to miss this frequently insufferable subspecies, whose calling cards are sensible shoes, ever-present knitting needles click-click-clicking away, and an irritatingly sunny and nurturing disposition.
The outsider should be warned, however, that this species may turn vicious if the unwary inquirer dares to ask, “So you’re going to read stories to children for a living? Don’t you want to do something interesting with your life?” Additionally, this intrepid field researcher has discovered that under no circumstances should any person say in the presence of The Children’s Librarian, “I like children…with barbecue sauce.”
The Children’s Librarian can be recognized from afar by its high-pitched, whiny response to any debate, no matter the topic: “But what about the children?” It is unseemly to speculate about the mating habits of this subspecies.
The I-Would-Like-To-Sit-and-Read-Books-All-Day: (Librarius Miseratio) The saddest moment in the early part of this species’ lifecycle arrives when The IWLTSaRBAD realizes its parents are attempting to push their progeny out of the nest. What to do now?
Distinctive call: “I like books!”
“Information Professionals”: (Librarius Disassociatata) Slightly snappier dressers than the Librarian species. They frequently migrate in from the business world, and may be easily spotted by their unmistakable call: “I am here to develop a broad base of technology and information skills.”
Often spotted reading JASIST and gloating over the fact that “Information Professionals” make on average ten grand a year more than the Librarian species. Not much information is known about this species’ mating habits; it is supposed that this type is too practical to choose a mate from within the available mating pool of the Library School Environment.
The Archivist: (Librarius Obsessivus Packratus) This species is usually spotted in basements, rooting through boxes of old crap that someone forgot about. The Archivist will then make extensive hierarchies and indexes of what the old crap is and feel very satisfied with itself.
Occasionally, The Archivist species may be spotted out of a basement, squinting uncomfortably at the sun’s glaring rays. When this is the case, they would be difficult to recognize if not for their cry, “I am heading to an Archivist’s meeting/convention/conference.”
If The Archivist species was honest with itself, its signature call would sound something like, “Objects are more important that information!”
The Information Scientist: (Librarius Boredomus Psychosa) This species is recognizable by its over-inflated sense of self-importance and delusions that it will change the world through minor research of little consequence. If trapped in an elevator or at a party with The Information Scientist, one should not make eye contact unless one is interested in overly-dramatized tales of woe regarding human subjects and grant funding. Remember, certain forms of stress are contagious. Put a drink in The Information Scientist’s hand and back away slowly.
The Information Scientist’s call is: “Qualitative research has more inherent value than quantitative research…hey, where’s everyone going?”
It should be noted that the Information Scientist species is the natural enemy of The Archivist and The Children’s Librarian, and should not be kept captive with either type for any length of time. The mating habits of The Information Scientist are disturbing.
