I guess I can wrap this chapter up for now, though these things are never really truly wrapped up, are they? After Morgan and I spoke to our mother on Saturday night, I called SeaFed to check in with him, and told him the deed was done. Of course I was shunted straight to voicemail, because as I discovered on Sunday, my mother immediately called him to discuss how awful I was being.

And when he finally called me back on Sunday afternoon, I heard her words again coming out of his mouth. “You don’t even know her anymore,” he said. “You haven’t spoken to her for years.” I felt myself being crushed somewhat under the weight of everything he had to say. He was talking over me, rambling, that way he has of filling the space without really saying anything useful or helpful.

“Yes,” I said, trying to flatten myself out on the quicksand. “It’s always been the same, though. She’s up, she’s down, she pours all the booze out and then caves and starts again.”

“I guess I remember that from when we lived with her,” he conceded. “But a lot of people drink.” His voice sounded slightly hollow.

Suddenly this seemed like it was less about my mother and me than I thought.

“I told her that we agreed to supervised visits for the time being,” I said, “sooo–”

“I never said that, I said I heard you about that and I wanted to speak to your mother and your sister about this. I’ve spoken to all of you and now I don’t think there’s a problem.”

“Uh. Okay. Can we agree to no overnights for now, because I really think that–”

“I will spend time with her the next time I see her, and I will decide. I’m not going to agree to anything with you about this. Franny needs her grandmother in her life, warts and all.”

“Well, I disagree in this case, because I made the choice to pull myself and the girls out of her toxic thing that she’s in.”

“I’ve known REAL addicts, SJ, and they need support. None of this was a problem until you brought this up recently. The last time I saw Franny she burst into tears right away. I can’t tell you how to run your house, but maybe this stuff needs to be private, and Franny doesn’t really need to know about your problems with your mother. You’re upsetting her and there was never a problem before. This is the first time she said she doesn’t want to spend the night at her grandma’s house.”

Remember this.

He also told me he was pleased I had offered to supervise visits, because it sounded like my mother would be happy to see me. I have no idea if that’s true or not. I tend to doubt it–I suspect it’s just more of his weird fantasy world inferences that he cannot seem to help, like the notion that my sister needed him to tell our mother that Morgan had a problem with her, which she said several times she did not, and it was about Franny. The idea that my mother would be pleased to see me as a result of all this increased dysfunction made my stomach churn. I would not be happy to see me. I was always at my worst around her, really, not matter how hard I tried. I certainly wouldn’t be happy to see her. I don’t want Franny to see her. I felt ill when she came over inappropriately to drop something off.

With him it’s always a sucking black hole where the sky is orange and nothing really makes any sense. I can’t really say that it’s any different than when we were married. I have that feeling every time I hang up that everything I know is wrong and I am a bad person. It seems like these conversations always happen when Franny is gone, which doesn’t help. I can’t and won’t turn to her for support and venting like I would a friend, but having her out of my sight makes me wonder…have I done everything wrong? Is she scared to tell me how she feels?

We talked when Franny came back, because I knew there was a lot unsaid and probably going through her mind. I tried to be very gentle with her and I try not to lead her or feed her anything–I just try to keep it safe for her. She made a point to tell me that she asks her dad not to have to have sleepovers at her grandma’s house.

“Before all this happened?” I asked, surprised.

“Yes, I just want to see him. I tell him I want just a day visit and he tells me to ‘pack my bag.”

“Have you tried telling your stepmother at all? Maybe get another adult on your side?”

“She doesn’t say anything when I say I don’t want to go.”

I worry that her stepmother wants her to go. Around Thanksgiving she accused Franny of hurting the baby and I know Franny does not really feel wanted or welcome around there, which pains me. Franny doesn’t want to push things too hard, because she’s scared of him, especially when he’s mad. She still remembers him making a hole in the wall of my apartment when she was four, which surprised me to hear.

I told her that none of this is her fault or her problem, over and over, and that I want her to be happy. I think she is, most of the time. I checked in to see if she wanted to know what was happening, if I was telling her too much, as her dad said, and she said she wanted to know. I also told her something new.

“You’re getting older now,” I reminded her. “You are allowed to make more decisions for yourself. If you feel like you are unsafe or not being respected, you can get on the bus after school and come home and I will be here. You can call me and I will pick you up from wherever, okay?”

Franny talks about how her little sister screams for things, like a doughnut, or some candy, or the right backpack, and how she gets them and it makes her crazy to see.

“Maybe you need to start screaming for your doughnut over there,” I said, and she smiled a little.

“He’s making this all worse, I know he is,” she said. I tried to keep the surprise off my face. She said she felt better after we talked. I feel really proud of how level-headed and sharp she is sometimes. I feel so lucky that this one was given the gift of really high emotional intelligence and sensitivity. I think it has and will save her.

I feel fairly boxed in at this point. I have a child who is telling me she is unhappy and not being heard over there, and her father, who will not agree to or concede to anything…so, I can’t work with him to keep things healthy with my mother. And my mother, who has SeaFed in her pocket and feels entitled to see Franny despite my wishes and requests. People are suggesting court and restraining orders. I worry I am being negligent for not doing so. I have this feeling like no matter what I choose, everything rests on me. I am putting out one more email to say, I don’t like this, I don’t want this, I don’t agree with this, and then…things will change eventually. I hope my mother cannot do too much damage before then.

And next time you see me, I will have brand new chickies and I am going to keep it light for a while. Thanks for the nice comments lately.