When I Awake I Awaken with a Tingle/2-Mar Rainbow

“Are you SURE you don’t want to trade places?” the woman whispered to me sharply. On Monday she had asked me the same question. I was sitting on my yoga mat in the back, trying to stretch a little.

“Yes, I’m sure,” I said. It seemed notable that she had taken my spot from the immersion last month. “My friend is new and I’m staying back here to keep him company.”

She looked at me with her bitchy face. I overheard her talking smack about the teacher last month, too. Snide comments about other things. Really? In 6 a.m. yoga? WHY?

REALLY BITCH? Get out of my happy place. The worst part is she’s a teacher there. Put your Zen Bonnet on for an hour, ok lady? She can HAVE her assigned seat on Friday.

Thing the second is a question I keep asking myself over and over again: WHY? Why am I personally dealing with my mother’s alcoholism now? Why not years ago? My mother’s favorite thing to say to me is that I need to “get over my childhood” and she’s right…to a certain extent. Her idea of getting over things is to stop making weeping vagina noises and to go play in the street. I think I’m over it, but I’m not going to stop thinking about it. I’m not going to stop asking how I am being and treating my kids, and how it still affects me as an adult.

I had an aha while talking to a friend this morning about why now: because NOW it is affecting my child. I don’t move until they are suffering. I did not leave SeaFed until he was neglecting Franny.

Which is really only part of the story. I have been motivated in recent years to stand up for myself and make things right on other things. It’s getting better. Spacey is a good person and knows about these things, and she said “You are not required to deal with this on your own.”

I don’t think I can handle any kind of group experience at the moment, so I am going to do some reading and some self-inventorying and some other stuff that sounds like therapy hoomhaw. Happily and with purpose. There seems to be very few moments of coasting. When I was a kid I thought you grew up and then coasted. Uh…until you died. HA!

Okay, so there is my weeping vagina moment of the day. I am grateful to my friend for listening to me word barf until I had an epiphany about something that has been nagging at me.

I did not remember my dream until I was driving around this morning. The wind was blowing, the sun was shining, and it was raining, or as my grandma would say “the devil is beating his wife.” I saw a rainbow and I remembered, then, dreaming about one. Spring is coming, or possibly Sring.

6 thoughts on “When I Awake I Awaken with a Tingle/2-Mar Rainbow

  1. I’m thinking about you and all of this.

    I do admit the yoga bitch story made me laugh. C and I were just talking about people who are aggressive in yoga class, or at least practice yoga as a competitive sport. I don’t need their extra vinyasas and stompiness in my zen area, thanks.

  2. hah yoga bitch Sj gotcha spot. At my old bookshop the salesperson told me that the customers who special ordered all the psychology helpy type texts were the meanest of them all. Good idea about accessing stuff about alcoholic families. Be interested to hear more as you go.

  3. I don’t think you’re ever “done”. It’s more of an onion type of thing; there’s always another layer to peel, no matter how many have gone before. Or, to look at the glass half full, you always have another opportunity to deal with things! Yay!

    I’m in my 40s and having a fresh look at my parental wolves and their child-rearing techniques, & my partner is older than that and revisiting (again!) the abuse heaped upon her & her siblings. It does sometimes just get triggered by various life events, including history repeating itself/the mistreatment of those you care about.

    I wish you luck with your struggles & empathy for yoga beyatch, because people who act like that are suffering & need a happy places too, if you can believe that.

  4. It’s funny that your mom says you need to get over your childhood. From what I gather here, you have gotten over it. You’re trying to parent in a HEALTHY way. You’re not parenting in a shitty manner, boohooing about how you don’t know any better because of what happened to you in the past. There’s a big difference in “getting over” negative behaviors developed as a coping mechanism in your youth and turning a blind eye to your own child potentially being put through the same sorts of abuse you were in the name of spending time with her grandparent.

    Keep fighting the good fight, SJ. The world needs more good eggs.

  5. The whole yoga-spot territoriality thing is a conundrum. Because if you refuse to yield to someone’s land grab, then are you guilty of territoriality too?

  6. Yes. I gave up. She offered to let me cram between my friend and her today. Pass. I am the willow bending in the breeze and shit.

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