“I have to go someone is watching me in my space ship”

YOU GUYS I AM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW.

I’m wacked out on Prednisone at the moment and trying to watch House of Cards. But it’s like BUTTERCUP how did you end up with Humperdick after all? Where’s the giant? Whatever. Do I like this. I do not like this party hat. How about some slash fiction between the Giant from Twin Peaks and the Giant from the Princess Bride. It will be called A Tall of Two Titties, because moobs.

The last time I took this drug I had poison ivy for a month and it was spreading and I was legit dying of poison ivy. I slept with socks on my hands. I watched my roommate, the one who could put cigarettes out on his tongue and turned power tools into sex toys, he had some old fangled 90s gaming system. Nintendo 64? It had a bad Fifa soccer game or whatever. It was hilarious and everything smelled like Dr. Pepper and then my poison ivy cleared up.

I should tell you what I have. I have FLU BEAVERS in my MUSCLES. YUM YUM CHEW CHEW. I can barely stand. Did you know that flu can go into your muscles? But they are also testing for toxins and parasites too. My eyeballs feel like boiled radishes. I am waiting to hear about my blood tests. I have been sick since February 19. I am sad. Also I think I smell bad. If my pee turns brown I am supposed to call an ambulance. I could pee right here but it would only be ok for a minute.

If I die P. says he will update. NAPTIME.

Greetings from sunny *hooooork*

I had a scheme that was percolating for a couple of years and it came to fruition a few days ago. I stayed on Maui in 2011, right before I had my IUD taken out, and right before I got plunged into court with SeaFed. This was also right before Strudel’s grandfather died. A momentous year. I knew that Hawaii would be a once in a blue moon thing, not a yearly thing, but I was hoping to go back someday after that nice trip. Before that I hadn’t been since 1996. As court dragged on and the calendar year flipped over to 2013, I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be nice to celebrate being all done with court by going back to this peaceful place that made me so happy? It was my carrot, aside from just being done with court, of course.

So the girls had midwinter break, and we went for it.

Strudel was very excited, since it was her first flight ever. When we were on the plane getting ready to take off, I realized I had my first flight ever at eight as well, but it was about one of the many times my mother took me and ran off. It was scary and exciting and I felt like a fugitive, since we left very early in the morning. I was sad to leave my friends without saying goodbye. I remember getting a little Delta wings pin. A lot of my childhood was mixed happy-sad like that. This is terrifically corny but I actually teared up a little since I thought Strudel’s flight would just be happy.

Everything was going great until about a day and a half in. Franny got lashed by some jellyfish bits and was experiencing some joint swelling. I fretted, since she’d never been exposed before, waiting to see if she would have a bad reaction. Eventually, I had to lay down since I had somehow tired myself out with worrying. This was kind of weird, but I shrugged it off, figuring I was in a different timezone and tired out from swimming, so must have been a little off. We decided to stay out of the water for a while and drive up to ‘Iao Valley to hike around there.

On the way back I was not able to drive and drowsed in the front seat. We had stopped for some shave ice to revive the kids a little after a muggy hike and elevation climb. I was getting nauseated and was thinking about asking P. to pull the car over when Strudel went off in the back seat.

“HURF! HURF!” Here came the shave ice and the loco moco she’d had for breakfast. Dear god. We parked on the shoulder of the highway and I extracted her from the backseat of the rental car, her legs covered in pink rice. Welp, that did it for me. I joined her in the bushes for a sing-a-long. Franny remained in the backseat with her fingers in her ears and her eyes screwed shut. She has told me that vomiting on car rides is rampant at her dad’s house and she’s an old hand at tuning it all out. She was gone.

P. sacrificed his shirt getting the kid cleaned up. We climbed back into the car, shaky, wondering about what happens when you technicolor yawn into a rental car. Somehow we made it back to the hotel. My guts were full of lava and I could barely walk. Would I make it back to the room? I wondered how many old people I could horrify. Should I go for a discreet trashcan vom, or should I go whole hog, golf course lawn sprinkler style? I got back to the room and was in for 12 hours of fun after that. Strudel was sick at the same time I was. We spent the night alternating being sick with dozing. After I recovered, then it was P’s turn to go down. He was ill during the day and I entertained the girls on my own, still tired and a little shaky.

I’m pretty sure I traced it to some dodgy macaroni salad. Franny has the supertaster thing going on and I think she knew it was off, but she wasn’t sure how, exactly. All she knew was that she didn’t care for it, so she didn’t get ill. She did, however, have the virus. This was part two.

I had a couple of days’ respite after that, during which I ate fruit and more fruit and a little yogurt and was very tired. I had thrown up rice, meat, and fish so none of that sounded good. It still doesn’t, actually. I will ask, very dramatically, crap, what am I supposed to eat for the rest of my life now? I cannot live on fruit forever.

This is me attempting to have a nice dinner out a couple of days after food poisoning. I ordered tomato salad, cucumber salad, and a side of raw tofu in ponzu sauce. Yes, three salads for dinner, basically. I should look glowy and rested but instead I look waxy.

On the weekend weddings were happening in our “backyard.” This one was a noisy group. The girls had fun rubbernecking but many of the wedding guests glared at us for gawping. I guess they didn’t appreciate our cool “hanging out in towels” look.

Then the virus hit me. We figured out later that P. had food poisoning and the virus all at once, and he came out the other side in about twenty-four hours, which is so lucky for me, since I needed a lot of help, especially getting back. I ran a fever on the whole flight home and coughed myself hoarse in spite of being medicated to the gills.

So here I am sitting on the couch, still feeling like I was hit repeatedly with a bat three days after my “vacation.” What a weird trip! MAHALO BITCHES.

“More anything?”

“More everything!”

The Plan of the House, the Body in Bed

Let’s get this over with.

Things came to a head with the neighbor, so I am hoping this will be my last dispatch about her. A couple of days after the shrub incident I discovered that something else had taken place earlier that day. I spoke to my contractor the following Monday morning and he said that she had trespassed into the house and yelled at the electrician on Friday, demanding to know where we were and telling him that she “had to talk to us.”

I filed a police report and the cops spoke to the electrician, who gave his account. Now we’re on no contact. I am left scratching my head over what made us so infuriating on that particular day that she had to burst into the house and begin yelling. I cannot come up with an answer, so I am going to go with “is crazy.” Naturally she had the no-contact order extended to us as well. The funny part (in a way) is that the only time we’ve contacted her was to knock on her door to ask her to stop digging up our yard.

Anyway, lately it probably seems like all I think about is my crazy neighbor. I guess in reality it’s something less personal and dramatic I can write about. There’s a lot of old ground I don’t feel like retreading lately. It’s for the best, not to bulldog everything until it’s shaken into shreds. Also, I am an insane Bisy Backson. I feel like my time is claimed from the time I wake up until I lay down in bed. I stand at work all day so some days I feel like I don’t even stop moving until it’s bedtime. I suppose there’s dinner, too, though.

I had my sister over for dinner last night and we talked about being on cruise control and what the year is shaping up to be. She was saying she doesn’t have any burning goals right now, nor any huge obstacles.

“I keep thinking I should get a hobby, but there’s nothing else I really want to be doing,” she said, while I stirred my bologese.

“She’s 26,” I said to P. by way of explanation, who was listening.

“You’re just living!” he said. “That starts to happen in your late twenties if you’re doing okay.”

It was funny to hear her talk about her life with some wisdom and calm clarity, as opposed to the kind that comes with “this crisis is happening and I just had this epiphany at 3 a.m.” That shit is exhausting. Not to hear about, but to live through. I’ve done a combination of holding my breath and cringing for my sister for the last ten years or so as I’ve watched her move out from my mother’s shadow and grow her own life, as you do.

I remember that strange feeling when I started to realize the years really had a rhythm to them and if I chose, I would be doing the same thing over and over again every year. I would be making the same meals, or something just like them. I would be pulling the same weeds out of the garden beds. When it got cold, I would pull out my sweaters for the fourth year in a row. I would spring clean the same house, or at least in the same way. There are small victories and disapointments, but the only real difference is that I’m getting wrinkles and the girls are getting taller. I guess one of the keys is to ask yourself if you still like what you’re doing every now and then. Cruise control does have a seductive quality that can turn into inertia.

I was considering taking up a new hobby this year as well, since I so love new years, but I made the same decision as my sister. I don’t have any serious medical complaints right now, other than my normal bag of genetic weirdness/early old age. I don’t have any goddam court cases. Maybe this is just a year of normal doing, and being grateful for that.

Franny and I have been touring high schools around town right now. I feel really lucky to be in a position to let her make a choice about which high school she wants to attend. It’s been fun spending time alone with her, and hearing her reaction to the schools.

We went to her neighborhood school, which allows thousands of students in. It is an old 1950s building, which I find inherently charming because I am mushy-headed, but even I can see the drabness of the grey and yellow bathroom tiles under the fluorescent lights. I was embarrassed to feel the unpleasant visceral reaction I was having to being in a building like that, like I immediately wanted to graffiti on something or go outside and smoke. We were wandering the halls after the initial orientation was over and she got the standard “Oh my god, that girl has teal hair,” from some students who were there late at a robotics club, which completely irritated her.

We popped into the art classroom and looked around. It looked like a very cool studio space, and was obviously some kind of haven for freaks, as it always is. The walls were covered with handmade posters the teacher had done about bullying and about the studio being a safe space. It was nice to see that being addressed head-on.

The girls in the robotics club went by the art classroom door to spy on us and did that loud griefer thing that kids do when they want to harass someone without directly confronting them. It reminded me of nature shows with monkeys screeching with displeasure when there is a foreign monkey in the next tree scoffing all the best breadfruit. Franny’s cheeks colored and she rolled her eyes.

We went to the opposite of that the next night–a very small school housed in The Seattle Center, which is where the Space Needle is, if you are unfamiliar. We were shown slides of test and SAT scores, but I imagine the makeup of the feeder neighborhoods surrounding the center (mostly white, wealthy) may have had more to do with test scores than the amazingness of the school. I suspect most of the kids in the school have enough support to do well wherever they went. Franny was very charmed by what was presented, and I’m sure she’d do fine there. I think the dealbreaker was the attitude of the kids themselves, who were allowed to present a large portion of the curriculum and programs, and the fact that there is no Japanese program.

I’m informed that this reads, in part, “You are a butthole.”

We picked up some dessert on the way home. Strudel and her father had been out to multicultural night at the girls’ school, but they arrived home first. When we walked in she was making a face like she was going to pee herself with excitement and she started whispering at her dad. Something was afoot. I put my coat away and Franny walked into her room and promptly screamed. Strudel had picked up a life-sized standee of Justin Bieber abandoned on the side of the road on the way home, and had installed it in her sister’s room. All her idea. Franny took it with good humor. The funny part is that Franny is one of the only ones in her peer group who doesn’t like the Biebs. We like to tease her about the Biebs since it’s what she’s “supposed” to be doing. She still has the card I sent her last summer at her dad’s house.

A Guide to the Gentle Art of Driving in Seattle, Washington

Many people are confused about the art, nay, the very concept of driving in Seattle, Washington. Never fear! I have been driving in Seattle since the amazing year 1996 and present myself as your humble guide to a world fraught with inconsistencies and potholes, metaphoric and literal.

I hear you ask, what, are there no established, official rules of the road in your fine berg? HA! HA! HA! Seriously, don’t be stupid. Those booklets are printed so the MVD will not suffer budget cuts, and to distract people from thoughts of suicide while they are waiting seven hours to have their driver’s license photo snapped.

Here are the rules:

1. There is a depressible button or panel in the middle of your steering that makes a sound colloquially known as a “honk” or “beep.” Take my word for that, because trust me, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO EVER USE THIS BUTTON. Doing so will result in distress and confusion among your fellow drivers or wayward pedestrians. You may discover that these pedestrians will also stop in front of you and take a photo of your license plate with a promise of “hella tweet-shaming” you. You should be ashamed of yourself, you noisy piece of wombat excrement.

2. If approaching a four-way stop, wait. And wait and wait. Do not make eye contact. It is okay to slouch slightly in your seat; maybe the other drivers will think you are not in your car and that you just parked “assertively.” Eventually the other cars will probably leave. Don’t worry, no one else really knows what to do at these things; just try to endure them until they put a proper stoplight in.

3. If approaching a five-way stop–no. Just no. Take a different route to your destination.

4. Freeway/Interstate. This has its own special subset of rules. The 60 mph speed “limit” is a suggestion, but it is suspected your car will explode if actually driven that fast. 45 mph is much better, at least in the fast lane (in other cities and states, the “fast” or “passing” lane is all the way to the left). If anyone is tailgating you in the fast lane, do not, under any circumstances, move over for them. This is a democracy, for God’s sake, and you got there first. It is your responsibility as a Seattle ambassador to teach others about right-lane passing.

Anything goes in the other lanes! You’ll get there eventually, right?

5. Merging. If a car arrives before you, it is permissible to let them merge first, UNLESS: you disagree with their “initiative” bumper stickers; unironic use of “baby on board” sign; they are driving a hybrid and are merging smugly; out-of-state license plate. As with all Seattle driving, do not make eye contact and cut them off as slowly as possible. This way, you simultaneously do not see them and are not culpable for the accident you may cause.

6. Native Customs. “Traffic was terrible” is a local empty pleasantry, like “How are you?” and “I think you gave me herpes.”

FAQs.

If I cannot honk, then can I use impolite gestures to communicate my displeasure with the complete ineptitude of these morons?

Yes, but watch our lips. If it is the rainy season and car windows are up, you will make out the phrase “fucking Californian.” If it is August (summer) and the windows are down, you will make out and possibly hear, “Well ‘Namaste’ to you as well, Ms./Mr./Ze Impatientpants.”

What should I do if I am at a stop sign and do not have the right of way? I should wait until it’s clear, right?

INCORRECT. Wait until a vehicle is approaching, and then ease out reaaaally slowly in front of the oncoming traffic, so they have to slow down or stop. Bonus points for crossing double yellows or multiple lanes.

Bikes should be treated as vehicles, correct?

Yes, until they leave the road and start swerving around on sidewalks, only to return to the street depending on what the stoplights are doing. Then they should be treated as supporting arguments for mass public sterilization.

Shrub Shaming

Thing one is that my house is covered in a not-so-fine layer of dust. I knew this was going to happen with a remodel, but it’s kind of impressive. There is still a hole in the basement floor, but it’s all filled in with dirt again, covering up the plumbing that was laid in the trench. Mere, being the asshole that is a cat’s birthright, is using the loose dirt as a bathroom. SIGH. I cannot really do anything about it. I should have asked a friend I had over for dinner the other night how the house smelled. She’s the good kind of honest.

Thing two is that my neighbor is starting to give me the creeps a little bit. I went out to get the mail from our shared mailbox cluster and she came out behind me. I passed her on the way back and I was going to give her the cut but she deliberately stopped me.

“I’ve been wanting to talk to you.”

“Okay,” I said.

“Are you planning to cut your hedges back any more?”

“What? Probably? I don’t know.”

“Well, by my raised beds. There used to be hedges there, but now there’s not.” I’m starting to understand why the previous owner let everything completely overgrow on the shared property line. I kind of shrugged. “I just know that YOU like YOUR privacy, and I like MY privacy…”

This woman and her obsession with what I am doing in my yard, I tell you. No further cans are even remotely possible. It’s JANUARY. Who is out in their yard right now, steaming about this? My neighbor. I don’t even think about my yard unless I have to right now.

I walked away. I am not going to have any more conversations with her about my hedges. I wish people would just say, “I hate your stupid face and I am mad I have to see it over my fence.”

“She’s just a mad person who wants something to do and be mad about,” P. said, when I told him what happened.

“Don’t talk to me unless something is on fire,” I will say, the next time she stops. “And then you should probably call the fire department.” In the meantime I am making plans to have the south side of the house that faces her where she had the lilacs razed painted orange, with a mural of a middle finger. Actually, I am planning on painting a mural on the garage with the girls next summer. She’s going to hate that so much.

“You can’t take a picture of this–it’s already gone.”

Last year we completely forgot about the Polar Bear Plunge until about 1 p.m. Whoops. While the experience itself on 1/1/2012 was neat, it was like most Seattle events–inconvenient parking, crowds, a shitton of waiting.

“I want to do it this year, but without the hassle,” he said.

“You could just go in the bathtub,” I said. “Or, I could hose you down. Same result really.” I thought I was being funny and then I saw his eyes light up.

Happy New Year!

Posted in P

Hey January

Last night we watched the Downtown Abbey Christmas special, which I think marks the end of Season 4. It’s gone down the tubes, I guess, like everyone says, but I don’t think it’s really any worse than when it started. Every character has their own little dance and they do it, usually with a minimum of sensible editing. I’m tired of these people but I cannot stop somehow.

I replaced my dead phone today after over a week of not having one. I was denied the chance to replace it with a cheaper dumbphone–it had to be a one-to-one exchange or they would charge me hundreds for something different. “I will sign a piece of paper saying I am not upset,” I bargained. No dice.

The guy at the store told me he thought I’d be happier with something with better processing power, but I think I’m just over the whole phone thing. I like my tablet so I am not some kind of cabin-dwelling touch screen denier. I regretted not being able to make or receive calls, of course, but that was about it. Overall I was happier without it–not staring at it, not being tethered to it. I’m trying to be more engaged in my surroundings, which is pretty easy for me to contemplate now that I don’t work downtown anymore and I am no longer harassed on the street daily. I think I am a combination of getting old and people in the small neighborhood I work in recognize me so I am more of a fixture. When the guy handed me my new replacement phone and my heart sunk when I saw the text messages I’d missed dropping in, I knew my resolution for next year would be LESS PHONE.

Yesterday was kind of a mixed bag. The girls were REALLY HAPPY and then they were REALLY SUGAR CRASHY and crabby with everyone. I was pushing to go to a movie or something, but we didn’t quite make it out of the house. We did play some Ticket to Ride and Killer Bunnies, so that was a highlight. Then I napped too long and undercooked my lamb roast. I kind of suck at Xmas. Oh well. The end!

I’ll Treat You Good Girl Like You’re Famous

Today is like this. SeaFed sent Franny back on the ferry by herself without any consultation from me, which is unsurprising, but she handled it CON BRIO and I am very impressed.

STRIPES. Not Bill Murray kind. Though we are watching Scrooged tonight.

Xmas eve dinner was influenced by New Orleans Top Chef, I tackily confess.

Crab cakes, peel n eat shrimp, oysters, and slaw. Every Xmas eve my mother would serve seafood because A. it was her Southern heritage and B. my stepfather, who was allergic to fish, was out getting slizzered and wouldn’t come home to go into anaphylactic shock or whatevs. We would also have a lot of seafood when she would be naughty and run away.

I am TAKING BACK SEAFOOD etc. We’re cool. Fist bump.

I got a mini-case of pineapple sparkling from Maui a couple of years ago and this is the last bottle.

I GOT A BOAT.

J/K, it’s a dinghy.