Author Archives: iasshole

Lynnette’s Testimony

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Real-Life Testimonials ™ will be an ongoing series for our readers. They are intended to elucidate, inspire, and educate.

“Well, I had a normal childhood, I suppose. I was surrounded by people who were exactly like me, and that’s probably a good thing. There’s less arguments, that way. Once I got to junior high there were one or two Jews or Muslins or something, but no one paid much mind to them. They seemed pretty satisfied to be by themselves. I suppose we hoped they would find Jesus’s love by the grace of how good-looking and happy we were, you know, from the outside looking in. Who wouldn’t want to be like us?

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Day 5: The Last Day!

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Here it is! The last Peen-O-Meter. I know you’re crying a little about that. And be consoled by the fact that I’ll be writing as much as possible to get this embarrassment of my front page! Just kidding. You know I love it.

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Thanks again for sticking with my peenathon. Things are looking pretty good here. They are officially announcing the winner on Wednesday, and I will take a moment to mangle your names in my thank-you video as I swig cheap champagne.

This is getting a little meta at this point, isn’t it?

In Other News: You Otter Know

I cannot stop replaying Amy Winehouse on You Tube. I can’t wait until her album comes out here in March! She’s the tits!

You Know I’m No Good
Rehab

This will be the jam of the summer, battling it out with The Mini-Mall Rap.

Also, Halo and I had a nice time this morning. She bought some mushrooms at the mall for her mom’s birthday. I hope my children buy me garden mushrooms when they are grown-ass ladies. FNIF.

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Peeneration in the Peenery

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Hi, I am off to breakfast with my bff Halo, who is getting out from behind the ref desk to pay a visit to her spanky-new nephew. I am hustling my girls and giving them First Breakfast, so I will peen it up later.

I see your new votes. Thanks! I am going to have so many people to grant favors to…which I am actually really excited about. I look forward to emailing with you all (or meeting you in person, as in some cases). My goal is to see if I can get everyone back so I can go to BlogHer with a clear conscience. You guys are rocking my socks. At the risk of sounding like someone I would have wanted to drown in a three-inch puddle of urine when I was younger, “I HAVE BEEN ON A NATURAL HIGH ALL WEEK.” This is a great way to liven up a normally-dull month. (I am also feeling better because of the awesome massage I got last night.)

Someone commented that she thought her vote got et by the big machine, but there is actually a “page two” of votes now, so if you think your vote suffered the same fate, have a look on page two.

A special thanks to Hamster_grrl, who linked my cause yesterday. You rocketh!

Day 4: The State of the Peen-O-Meter is on Fire!

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Well, the ability to enter the “writing” contest closes tomorrow at midnight EST, so my tireless campaigning is about to come to an end. As we can see by the extremely scientific meter below (it’s okay, I’m an information professional) I am now up to 58 VOTES as of 8:30am PST! I am interested to see how high it will go.

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Thanks to everyone who voted yesterday, and for the days before that! I really appreciate the things you said, and I look forward to the opportunity to display my full moon over my hammy. I am amazed and gratified by how people who read this car crash have come through for me. Thanks!

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So You Melt Chocolate Hearts

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So, Valentine’s Day happened. I had a really good time cooking for most of the afternoon. I decided to make something a little fussy, but I don’t like to invent things, so as usual I took a page out of Martha. It turned about pretty well, even if I had to make a couple of substitutions. I haven’t made scratch stock since Fangsgiving, I believe. As with Fangday, my spirit animal Emeril joined me on my arduous journey of chopping and sauteing.

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Figure 1: More twee than previously thought possible. I was just following directions, I swear!

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David Lee Roth High-Kick, Bitches!

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Happy Valentine’s Day! Or if you hate it, Happy Made Up Bullcrap Hallmark Holiday! I like V-day. I think you can give your friends or children nice things too. I got Franny her first bottle of nail polish, which she’ll be excited about until she sees my list of 4,000 rules that go with it.

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Thanks again to everyone who voted yesterday! As of 7 a.m. PST, we had 43 votes! As Lizz was hoping, this will indeed shut me up about this! After Friday, anyway! So thanks, Lizz! I promise to post for real in-between this nonsense.

I am taking the suggestion, first posted by Ozma and then seconded by Dawn, to make the Peen-o-Meter increasingly turgid. Great idea, you two! Wish I would have thought of it. Hope you enjoy that.

And thank you to people like my old blog homie Scott-san, who would normally rather put out his own eyes than venture into a Vaginatown like that, but voted for me anyway. I feel the love.

And PS, I forgot to extra-thank Zan, who voted for me twice. Probably only the first one will count, but I appreciate your enthusiasm!

In Other News: SOOOO CUTE!

Yeah, I think it’s cute when dogs eat their own crap too. I’m saving this forever for when people ask why I don’t allow Barbie.

You Will Soon Receive an Unusual Package. Lucky Numbers: 40 90 12

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Last night I went out to dinner with my sister, and afterwards we stopped at Viet Wah, the little market that’s below the restaurant we ate at. They are in full-blown New Year mode, so the shelves are packed with seasonal candy and food.

Sometimes I just pick things up in Asian markets, even if I don’t really know what I’m getting. I wish I could read a hundred languages. Last night I picked up a large bundle wrapped in banana leaves. I gave it a big sniff and it smelled sort of sweet, so I figured it must be some kind of steamed rice cake.

“What’s that?” my sister said.

“I think it’s a big rice cake,” I said. I told her I got a small package like this in Chinatown in Vancouver a couple of years ago, and it was filled with steamed rice. “Feel it, it’s still warm.”

“Hmmm,” my sister said, prodding my bundle.

I called Companion on the way home to tell him I had scored some Pocky, some sesame candy, and something mysterious in a bundle that was probably rice, so he shouldn’t eat any of the sucky ice cream we had in the freezer.

When I came home I broke into it right away. I unwrapped the banana leaves, which was the source of the sweet smell, and found another layer of plastic wrap. Inside the second layer was something kind of…brownish.

“Oh, nuts,” I said. “It’s something savory. Meat.”

“Wow!” Companion said. “It’s PICNIC HAM!” He was seriously excited.

“What the hell is PICNIC HAM!” I said.

“Oh, well, I don’t know if that’s what it is. But I had this in some pho once, and that’s what the menu said: ‘picnic ham.’ It’s like bologna, but I think it’s more real meat.” He sounded uncertain about this last point.

“Aw, I’m sad. I wanted a rice cake fix,” I said.

“Yay! I get to have ham sandwiches tomorrow!” Companion said, bouncing around.

When the Giant Head of John Travolta closes a door made of sweet delicious carbs, he opens a window…made of mysterious steamed meat.

In Other News: It’s Just Like A Podiatrist’s Office…J/K!

It’s actually just like a mini-mall. I DEFY you to get this song out of your head. If you want to click away, at least wait until :45 so you can see the closeup of this guy.

I predict this song will be pouring out of the boomin’ systems of cars this summer. At least my car. Perhaps you would like to wait for the Neptunes’ remix.

Thanks again to the irrepressible Daniel, who has convinced me that being “just like a mini-mall” is a selling point.

That’s It. I’m Getting Out the Penis-O-Meter

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Here it is in all its glory! The Penis-O-Meter from the Blogathon ’03. I blogged once an hour for 24 hours and got $113 for charity!

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Remember, this was before “peens” were invented (thank you, LiveJournal), so it had to be penis back in those days. But NOW we have the amazing breakthrough that is the peen!

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I don’t really have a goal, except to win a pass, so the upper limit’s kind of arbitrary. I just wanted to get out a poorly-protochopped peen. We all win when that happens! THANK YOU for twenty-four votes yesterday everyone!

My design is an homage to the website I linked yesterday, Seeking Desperately. I was very inspired by this giant crooked penis! Thank you ladies (and one guy)!!!!!!

If I win, look for a real acceptance speech, courtesy of Googvid. Watch this space for more peen-o-meter! If you don’t know what I’m talking about, please see my previous entry and VOTE TODAY! Voting closes Friday!

HELP ME, PLZ, or, In Which I Literally Peddle My Ass

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“I knew I would waste my life; what I was unsure of was the manner in which I would waste it.”

Hi, Everyone. You’re looking nice today. That’s a great tie. The knot’s all crooked, but, you know, points for trying. Is your butt smaller? Because less ass is good. Or more. More ass? On occasion my butt can just disappear and then I look like one of those concave-assed sorority girls.

That’s enough chit-chat.

Anyway, I have to ask you for something, and in exchange I will give you something. It will be a thing that will have no cash value, so it will be priceless. But if pressed, I would put a price of about five dollars and nineteen cents on it. Sorry.

1. What I Want

I am trying to get to BlogHer again this year. It was whoa-expensive last year. They are sponsoring a “writing” contest, and the person who gets the most votes wins a free full pass to BlogHer. Wow!

There is no real judging, professional or otherwise, so it is a popularity contest. This is okay with me. I want YOU to vote for me. C’mon, lurkers. I am getting almost nineteen hits a day here (watch out, Alexa Top 10!!!) and you can’t all be looking for “gay humpy poodle porn” and “corndog in vajayjay,” CAN YOU?

2. Here’s the Rub

You need to register on BlogHer to make a comment on my entry, I have heard. I guess that way they know there are unique users commenting. If the prospect of giving up your info to another organization is less than pleasing, then you should know about Pookmail, a disposable email account system. I have used it many times and it’s crazy simple.

BlogHer seems respectful and does not seem to be pimping my info out, but people have gone into the directories and sent me solicitations.

3. “What do I do?”

If you enjoy my “writing” (ho ho ho), help me out.

a. Register an account at BlogHer.
b. Go to this BlogHer node and find my entry here. You don’t even have to read it, but if you do I personally guarantee it will be a pack of entertaining lies.
Look for this picture if you get lost:
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c. Reply that you think that “SJ of I, Asshole” should win the contest.
d. If you’re feeling really generous, you could point people to this entry via a link and ask them to help me out.

Voting closes on Friday, February 16th! That’s this Friday!

4. “Whut’s in it for me?”

Good question. Hold still and stop picking at the scab on your knee and I’ll tell you. For every vote, whether I win or not, I will do something for you. I will answer a burning question you have about me or something else (I am a librarian, I can look shit up) in essay form. I will give you advice of dubious value. I will write something for your website or blog (normal retail value: all I can eat at Panda Express). I will draw you one of my hideous comics. I will draw one of your dreams. If you’re a loc I’ll wash your car. I’ll dust your turnip collection. I am not expecting a total damn handout here just because I have this compulsion that makes me barf up thots onto a computer screen.

If you vote for me and link me, I will do TWO things for you. Yes, I am blatantly bribing you. If artistic merit mattered here, I would not…bribe you openly on my website.

5. IF I WIN: I, ASSHOLE GETS MORE ASS

Last Sunday I fell down the damn stairs. I am a clumsy beast. I got the most hideous bruise that ever existed. It is like the Grand Canyon of bruises. It literally hurts to sit down. A couple of days later, I was engaged in tipsy shenanigans and photographed my ass-bruise. This is what keeps us off the streets at night.

I will post a picture of my sad, bruised ass if I win. This is how badly I want to go. It is not a cute butt either. It’s been indolently loafing for a lot of the winter. I am not proud and raring to show it off. Frankly, a trip to Chicago (airfare, hotel, and pass) is going to be a budget buster for summer vacationing. This would ease the way.

If I don’t win the pass, as I said above, I will give all vote contributors something beyond my hearty thanks.

Thanks, and please don’t hesitate to email me if you have questions, or to berate me at… nodignity@iasshole.org. DROWN THEM in votes. Thank you.