Okay, as you may recall, a couple of months ago I whored myself out for a free trip to BlogHer, which culminated in me posting a picture of my damaged ass online.

There’s no way back, is there? Will I ever have legitimate employment ever again? Not at this rate.

Many of you have claimed your favors, so thanks. I know I have lost track of a couple of you though, which comes to me late in the night as I am falling to sleep. I have searched my emails and comments for you to no avail.

There was one person who wanted a recommendation for good Greek food in Denver. I don’t know anyone in Denver. Anyone want to chime in on that topic, particularly people who live there?

Also, someone else besides Scot-san who wanted a PNW’ed. I know it’s one of my regular commenters, too. I blame glue huffing. Will you please remind my dumbass of who you are? Also, shout out a subject and I will make it happen. Ice cream, sock garters, the color puce. I’ll take it in the direction of your choice.

Anyone else? Aiight Blah.

Also, if you had a Murloc. Those WoWers. At least this boy isn’t beating off, like the last one.

Hey, lookit this choad who won the BlogHer contest.

Thanks, everyone! I will be back later, with a list of people to bestow favors upon, and, as promised, a picture of my ass. You’ll all be sorry. May I recommend that you suspend all food-and-drink activities while viewing my site today. Thank you.

Here it is! The last Peen-O-Meter. I know you’re crying a little about that. And be consoled by the fact that I’ll be writing as much as possible to get this embarrassment of my front page! Just kidding. You know I love it.

Thanks again for sticking with my peenathon. Things are looking pretty good here. They are officially announcing the winner on Wednesday, and I will take a moment to mangle your names in my thank-you video as I swig cheap champagne.

This is getting a little meta at this point, isn’t it?

In Other News: You Otter Know

I cannot stop replaying Amy Winehouse on You Tube. I can’t wait until her album comes out here in March! She’s the tits!

You Know I’m No Good
Rehab

This will be the jam of the summer, battling it out with The Mini-Mall Rap.

Also, Halo and I had a nice time this morning. She bought some mushrooms at the mall for her mom’s birthday. I hope my children buy me garden mushrooms when they are grown-ass ladies. FNIF.

Hi, I am off to breakfast with my bff Halo, who is getting out from behind the ref desk to pay a visit to her spanky-new nephew. I am hustling my girls and giving them First Breakfast, so I will peen it up later.

I see your new votes. Thanks! I am going to have so many people to grant favors to…which I am actually really excited about. I look forward to emailing with you all (or meeting you in person, as in some cases). My goal is to see if I can get everyone back so I can go to BlogHer with a clear conscience. You guys are rocking my socks. At the risk of sounding like someone I would have wanted to drown in a three-inch puddle of urine when I was younger, “I HAVE BEEN ON A NATURAL HIGH ALL WEEK.” This is a great way to liven up a normally-dull month. (I am also feeling better because of the awesome massage I got last night.)

Someone commented that she thought her vote got et by the big machine, but there is actually a “page two” of votes now, so if you think your vote suffered the same fate, have a look on page two.

A special thanks to Hamster_grrl, who linked my cause yesterday. You rocketh!

Well, the ability to enter the “writing” contest closes tomorrow at midnight EST, so my tireless campaigning is about to come to an end. As we can see by the extremely scientific meter below (it’s okay, I’m an information professional) I am now up to 58 VOTES as of 8:30am PST! I am interested to see how high it will go.

Thanks to everyone who voted yesterday, and for the days before that! I really appreciate the things you said, and I look forward to the opportunity to display my full moon over my hammy. I am amazed and gratified by how people who read this car crash have come through for me. Thanks!

Happy Valentine’s Day! Or if you hate it, Happy Made Up Bullcrap Hallmark Holiday! I like V-day. I think you can give your friends or children nice things too. I got Franny her first bottle of nail polish, which she’ll be excited about until she sees my list of 4,000 rules that go with it.

Thanks again to everyone who voted yesterday! As of 7 a.m. PST, we had 43 votes! As Lizz was hoping, this will indeed shut me up about this! After Friday, anyway! So thanks, Lizz! I promise to post for real in-between this nonsense.

I am taking the suggestion, first posted by Ozma and then seconded by Dawn, to make the Peen-o-Meter increasingly turgid. Great idea, you two! Wish I would have thought of it. Hope you enjoy that.

And thank you to people like my old blog homie Scott-san, who would normally rather put out his own eyes than venture into a Vaginatown like that, but voted for me anyway. I feel the love.

And PS, I forgot to extra-thank Zan, who voted for me twice. Probably only the first one will count, but I appreciate your enthusiasm!

In Other News: SOOOO CUTE!

Yeah, I think it’s cute when dogs eat their own crap too. I’m saving this forever for when people ask why I don’t allow Barbie.

Here it is in all its glory! The Penis-O-Meter from the Blogathon ’03. I blogged once an hour for 24 hours and got $113 for charity!

Remember, this was before “peens” were invented (thank you, LiveJournal), so it had to be penis back in those days. But NOW we have the amazing breakthrough that is the peen!

I don’t really have a goal, except to win a pass, so the upper limit’s kind of arbitrary. I just wanted to get out a poorly-protochopped peen. We all win when that happens! THANK YOU for twenty-four votes yesterday everyone!

My design is an homage to the website I linked yesterday, Seeking Desperately. I was very inspired by this giant crooked penis! Thank you ladies (and one guy)!!!!!!

If I win, look for a real acceptance speech, courtesy of Googvid. Watch this space for more peen-o-meter! If you don’t know what I’m talking about, please see my previous entry and VOTE TODAY! Voting closes Friday!

“I knew I would waste my life; what I was unsure of was the manner in which I would waste it.”

Hi, Everyone. You’re looking nice today. That’s a great tie. The knot’s all crooked, but, you know, points for trying. Is your butt smaller? Because less ass is good. Or more. More ass? On occasion my butt can just disappear and then I look like one of those concave-assed sorority girls.

That’s enough chit-chat.

Anyway, I have to ask you for something, and in exchange I will give you something. It will be a thing that will have no cash value, so it will be priceless. But if pressed, I would put a price of about five dollars and nineteen cents on it. Sorry.

1. What I Want

I am trying to get to BlogHer again this year. It was whoa-expensive last year. They are sponsoring a “writing” contest, and the person who gets the most votes wins a free full pass to BlogHer. Wow!

There is no real judging, professional or otherwise, so it is a popularity contest. This is okay with me. I want YOU to vote for me. C’mon, lurkers. I am getting almost nineteen hits a day here (watch out, Alexa Top 10!!!) and you can’t all be looking for “gay humpy poodle porn” and “corndog in vajayjay,” CAN YOU?

2. Here’s the Rub

You need to register on BlogHer to make a comment on my entry, I have heard. I guess that way they know there are unique users commenting. If the prospect of giving up your info to another organization is less than pleasing, then you should know about Pookmail, a disposable email account system. I have used it many times and it’s crazy simple.

BlogHer seems respectful and does not seem to be pimping my info out, but people have gone into the directories and sent me solicitations.

3. “What do I do?”

If you enjoy my “writing” (ho ho ho), help me out.

a. Register an account at BlogHer.
b. Go to this BlogHer node and find my entry here. You don’t even have to read it, but if you do I personally guarantee it will be a pack of entertaining lies.
Look for this picture if you get lost:

c. Reply that you think that “SJ of I, Asshole” should win the contest.
d. If you’re feeling really generous, you could point people to this entry via a link and ask them to help me out.

Voting closes on Friday, February 16th! That’s this Friday!

4. “Whut’s in it for me?”

Good question. Hold still and stop picking at the scab on your knee and I’ll tell you. For every vote, whether I win or not, I will do something for you. I will answer a burning question you have about me or something else (I am a librarian, I can look shit up) in essay form. I will give you advice of dubious value. I will write something for your website or blog (normal retail value: all I can eat at Panda Express). I will draw you one of my hideous comics. I will draw one of your dreams. If you’re a loc I’ll wash your car. I’ll dust your turnip collection. I am not expecting a total damn handout here just because I have this compulsion that makes me barf up thots onto a computer screen.

If you vote for me and link me, I will do TWO things for you. Yes, I am blatantly bribing you. If artistic merit mattered here, I would not…bribe you openly on my website.

5. IF I WIN: I, ASSHOLE GETS MORE ASS

Last Sunday I fell down the damn stairs. I am a clumsy beast. I got the most hideous bruise that ever existed. It is like the Grand Canyon of bruises. It literally hurts to sit down. A couple of days later, I was engaged in tipsy shenanigans and photographed my ass-bruise. This is what keeps us off the streets at night.

I will post a picture of my sad, bruised ass if I win. This is how badly I want to go. It is not a cute butt either. It’s been indolently loafing for a lot of the winter. I am not proud and raring to show it off. Frankly, a trip to Chicago (airfare, hotel, and pass) is going to be a budget buster for summer vacationing. This would ease the way.

If I don’t win the pass, as I said above, I will give all vote contributors something beyond my hearty thanks.

Thanks, and please don’t hesitate to email me if you have questions, or to berate me at… nodignity@iasshole.org. DROWN THEM in votes. Thank you.

Sup, Seagros. Any locs crashing this BlogHer meetup? I am interested, but I want to make sure there will be some fun perps there. Lola? IRL friends? Anyoooone? Lurkers? Liz Henry, are you coming to town for this? Just checking. C’mon, I don’t bite hard. I’ll be the one…well, you know. Lampshade. Man drawers.