Did you hear???? They’ve just released the title for the next HP book! As loyal readers may know, I blew through the entire series this summer, and am SO EXCITED!!!! In fact, the reason I’ve been posting here a little less is because I’ve been writing Harry Potter Slash with Snape and Mrs. Norris! (If anyone’s interested, my handle is “HairyPooper47” at Quiddich? I Hardly Know Her?. AND IT’S QUALITY SLASH, I TELLS YA.)

ANYWAYZ, I’ve got an exclusive tip on what the new U.S. cover’s going to be! WOWSERS!

[cleek]

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It’s a VERY SOXY day here at I, Asshole. Let’s have a mixtape of too much of TEH SEXY.

David Cross from Run, Ronnie, Run: Three Times One Minus One.

+5 for that SOXY David Cross
+5 for that woman looking great in Spandex. I wish I could work Spandex like that, because I WOULD.

Justin Timberlake and Samberg: Dick-in-a-Box.

+5 for bringing skeevy back
+5 for Samberg in anything
-5 for Maya Rudolph and her always bad skin. Take some vitamin D, woman!

MadTV: I Want You to Watch Me Play Madden

+5 for the women looking convincingly enamored
-5 for Madden

UPDATE! Supa sent along the Bing Bong Brothers: “You Will Like My Penis” (?) FANG YOU SUPA!

+5 for scary, half-glued moustaches
-5 for no jiggly bikini girls

I love this genre, of the completely non-subtle r&b/rap song.

Got anything else? Throw it at me, I’ll post it!

Thanks to J.B. for the “Dick-in-a-Box” link and for reminding me I wanted to do this.

Fanged!

Sometimes I feel sad that my kids are four-and-a-half years apart. And then I see lovely family tableaus like these. Hee!

Baby not sleeping; SJ insane. Lifeguard sleeping; girl drowning.

ANYWAYZ, devoid of the mental energy required to even make a mufuh sandwich, I click on Internets. You benefit from my voluntary subjugation.

1. Otto the Cat and Perfect Strangers mashup? I dunno, man.

2. 1337 kids PWN parents. THANK GOD a local news station is on the case to uncover this “potentially dangerous threat.” By this logic, sporks are “potentially fatal.”

3. Family Dog. This was a short on Stephen Spielbergo’s Amazing Stories years ago, and the first time I saw it it almost made me pee. This spawned catchphrases for years. “Hewo, Mawyanne. Are you a good baby?”

Wow, all SFW today! Unless your work expects you to, you know, work.

Memo.

Not fake.

Aw, Mr. P., you’re such a joykill.

ETA:

Hello Mr. Robinson,

As a complete stranger, I am sorry to bother you about something so odd. There is an image of a memo with your name on it circulating the Internet in the United States, and a lot of lively debate about whether it is real or not. Did you write this memo? If you did, do you recall how recently it was written? I am NOT a journalist. This is innocent curiosity.

Here is the image of the memo: http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/1494/cloggedjm9.jpg

Have a good day!

Thanks for your time,

SJ

I’ll let you know if I get a response.

What is it?

It’s National Choad-Poking Month!

Do What in the When Where?

You heard me, jerkface! Poke a choad! It’s fun! It’s good for your health. If you are not poking a choad, you are letting America down.

Rules

Poke a choad every day this month!* Sorry, your own DOES NOT COUNT. Poking your own choad will cause immediate disqualification.

*I, Asshole is not responsible for any sensations, good or bad, experienced by the poker or the pokee. Warning: choad-poking may cause incontinence, crooked seams, flatfoot, gout, depression, “stinky finger,” or girlish giggling. I, Asshole would like to remind you to poke choads at your own risk.

Prizes?

Additional ones, you mean? Choad poking is its own reward, friend.

“I solemnly swear to poke a choad every day this month. Starting today. Unless I forget or just don’t feel like it, or decide to eat all the peanut-butter filled pretzels for lunch instead.”

For Suebob.

We interrupt this honeymoon to say: WOOT.

Britney files divorce paperwork. I am a little sad that the checkbox for “incestuous marriage” wasn’t ticked.

You guys! Look at the hilarious comment on this post! It’s the reaaaally long one riddled with misspellings, with the author’s name listed as “Veritas.” Hee.

Awesome. No matter what you are doing on the intarwebs, someone will come and tell you that you should not be doing it. It’s a good thing that total strangers who breeze by off a Google search and read one entry can tell me how to live my life. And here I was in a web of confusion before Veritas came along.

It’s tempting to give them my usual deluxe troll treatment, in which the comment is modified to include their predilection for molesting puppies. But no, Veritas gets a prize: Ye Olde Golden Shit Stirrer.