Hello Friends, Lovers, Iguana Ranchers

Posted on July 21, 2008 by iasshole

I hate to leave lame mass bulletins like this, but I will be out of range from beautiful things like email and blog posting for a week. I say this because if you are emailing me or wondering wtf happened to me after Blogher, that is it. I am not becoming a mystical hobbit. (“LOL”)

People who want/can/need to (like Denise) should call me. Otherwise, brb in a week. And yes, I am crazy to do back-to-back trips.

P.S. I can see you when you search for yourself. YES, YOU. I am not thinking about nor posting about you.

Chasin Rainbows, Adrenaline Pumpin

Posted on July 18, 2008 by iasshole

Yesterday was pretty eventful. Making up for my hellride the last time I came down, the universe decided to let my plane land early and the flight was almost empty. I can’t imagine why–perhaps because it’s like forty degrees here. Wow, a place where the weather fails worse than Seattle. Also, where I am, it constantly sounds like people are drag racing outside my room. Kind of weird.

I saw my homie Frida at MOMA yesterday. My internal compass was kind of spinning, so I ended up going kind of out of my way through the Mission and while I was switching albums I started to notice that people around me were weaving and shouting. I heard someone hiss behind me to their companion, “Thursday is they day THEY get their CHECKS.” oic.

Figure 1: Obligatory DOOD MF MOMA shot.

I had some time before they let me into Frida, so I hit Lee Miller. Artgasm!

Then it was time to stuff myself into my dress and go to Guy Kawasaki’s house where Squid and I met Maisnon, who introduced herself in my favorite way ever: “Okay, so I’m kind of your stalker….” She was like Dorothy Parker on the good crack, and possibly slangier than I am, which I didn’t know was possible. Thank satan for outgoing people.

We bounced back from the hotel where I ditched my ridonkulous shoes for some slides, and went to the People’s Party. Several people wanted to meet The Bloggess, who was one of the party’s official hosts.

“Ohhh yeah,” I said dimly. “I heard she’s famous.”

“There she is,” my friend said.

OH, it’s Jenny. I met her on the bus in Chicago on the first day of Blogher last year, when she was a brand new blogger.

I swear no one was smashed at this party. I’m sure you didn’t notice anything anyway.

Lisa Stone made us contributing editors have circle tiem, which was good, and had a professional photo snap us to make the site shinier.

Here are my boss‘s foots:

Awesome!

I am on a slow fail craptop and I have to say I hate that MT 4 is making me break to upload pictures. Before it was a popup box and you could keep writing while the picture is uploading. I am still having technical difficulties, so hang in there! Or not. Or, you know, go outside. But not here. Fucking brrr.

My time was well-spent at the close of the night, First Goatseing Gwendomama and FSJ. Don’t worry, I am still trolling even here. Inform our cult leader.

After breakfast, drinking with Squid (it just worked out that way, OKAY?) and seeing this splendid man, who is wisely avoiding Vaginatown.

Oh BAYBEE I Like It RAAW

Posted on July 16, 2008 by iasshole

Here lies an asshole too impatient for Post Secret!

Like twice a year I update my MP3 player in a major way, scraping off the stuff I never listen to or am sick of, and add new stuff that is hella dope. Here is my soundtrack for the next few days:

K-Os “Atlantis: Hymns for Disco”
Jaylib (still)
ODB “Return to the 36 Chambers”
MC Chris
New Atmosphere
Mos Def, I am still loving on “True Magic” because I lost it for a few months
Eric Dolphy “Out to Lunch”

Life is good.

Additionally, here is the photo essay part:

GET IT? IT’S A DJ ASSAULT JOKE AGAIN. I don’t have to explain that to you, you clever haberdashers.

This is the fotie that I pour out for my homie Shauna who cannot make it this year. FNIF. In your honor I wear a ghetto pin that I made myself. Underneath is a Happy Bunny pin that says “Kiss me in the pooper.” I think this is appropriate, somehow.

Calliope has discovered there are Interesting Kitchen Doings. I am trying to get her to come in and say something clever a la PeeWee’s Playhouse and I keep getting shouted at since there are steep stairs below. “SHE’S GOING TO BREAK A DRUM.” Oh ffs, that’s what the wings are for. Flappin.

Uncle $crooge Comeerks

If You Run Your Mouth About This Secret Rendezvous, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN

Posted on July 15, 2008 by iasshole

Damn you, Rich. Damn you straight to Cleveland. OH LORD PLEASE EXORCISE THE DEMON MARIAH CAREY FROM MY SOUL.

Anywayz. As if you won’t have enough to do, I made you this BLOGHER CONF BINGO! The first one to win gets declared offish off the chi-zain.

FURTHER, I don’t know if you remember that book I appeared in recently, but it will be for sale at the Blogher BlogHer Swap Meet, Saturday at 12:15 – 1:30, in the Olympic Room (second floor). I will sign for you or not. Please remember that zero dollars and zero cents of this book goes into my liquor and jiggly bikini girls fund. It’s all charitable giving, so ABSOLUTELY no enabling of I, Asshole will occur as a result of buying and enjoying this book.

This Morning, While Serving a Bowl of Yogurt

Posted on July 14, 2008 by iasshole

Strudel boogied around the kitchen, singing.

“From the back and to the front! I love my lady lumps!”

“Strudel, what are lady lumps?”

“I have lumps on my HEAD!”

A cool person showed me this comic today. Sucking Life, lurl.

Can You See Me? Can You Hear Me? Then You’re In Our Delivery Area.

Posted on July 13, 2008 by iasshole

Today I went to see The Wackness, preceded by a nice glass of scotch and some phad thai. Nothing is better than that, really. Well, toss in some satanic cheerleaders and I would be all set. There were minimal amounts of Mary-Kate Trollsen, and the soundtrack gave me crazy nostalgia for when Biggie Small’s first album came out. It was set in 1994, which did nothing but give me sad sack nostalgia from the music and knowing small time drug dealers who used pagers and shit.

And now, a nice glass of homemade raspberry cordial. I added half-and-half and now it is looking kind of curdled. NOM. Doesn’t that sound SO delicious, curdled? Sadly, it is.

I repotted some thyme this weekend in this hideous faux barrel thing made of plastic with gold plastic trim. Gorgeous.

Also, Operation I Cannot Make Up My Fucking Mind was a success.

Narsty Roots of Narsitness

ERNGE in-between stage. I decided to do the roots orange instead of crazy bleach out so I can settle back to “natural” redheadedness when summer ends. This color was pretty nice, but the top half was ORANGE and the bottom half is still hanging onto the red.

After:

Everyone loves a HAPPY psycho. No? NO? I keel you.

The funniest thing happened, if by “funny” I mean “incompetence on everyone’s part.” I reserved a hotel room for Blogher and then I went to look it up in my email a few weeks later. It was nowhere. Was I have an junior senior moment? Did I just imagine that I made the reservation? The older I get the more credulous I get, I think. I called the hotel, hello, hello, where the fuck is my room? “We have never heaaared of you.” “Okay, bye, cocks.” Hmm, it is looking more and more like I was partaking of the crack. Hotel was now full. I made a hostel reservation.

Hmm, this could be good, I told myself. I won’t run into crazy drunken bitches in the hallway (which will actually just be me, making out with a mirror), I can saves the moneys, etc. BUT LO, in my inbox yesterday was a confirmation from the HOTEL. Wut. I am hotel bound now, because if I could marry one inanimate object, it would be a hotel room.

Also, here is an info begzor: can I hav sum n-fo PLZ? I have use of a craptop for the conf but the internal wireless card is borkenated. Can anyone briefly tell me about their experiences with wireless USB? Is good? Is no good? Pay no more than X? Avoid X brand?

I am coming from the Internets to axe murder you!

Call 398-C-O-L-D, 398-…cold.

Strudel Noms an Oyster

Posted on July 12, 2008 by iasshole

Technically this isn’t child abuse because this was her second one and she asked for it.

How Do You Say “I am hella banging your sister” In Spanish?

Posted on July 12, 2008 by iasshole

I walked about five miles this morning and now I am totally out of it. Woo! There was a street fair in Wallingford full of hippie swag and sad fail ponies going in a circle. They had the crazy pony with the blinders and shit, and sure enough, the tiniest kid was on it. That sounds like a plan, doesn’t it? There was five old mellow ponies and one shithouse blindersed one. I am going to put my baby on the shithouse one.

I got cardstock for my business cards today, and now I can design them. Here is last year’s:

Cooler heads prevailed and talked me out of going with a goatse theme for this year. I will keep it PG-13 and save goatse for ROFLcon, if I ever make it there. So I am going to print them off and sneak into Office Max and cut them up, Ghetto Ninja! I will come up with something “cool” though.

As far as some housekeeping stuffs, I got a comment that you have to sign in to leave a comment, which blows, because we should all have the right to flame at will so I can laugh at you. My friend made a really apt comment the other day about the fact that all these new social networking mediums like Twitter and Plurk actually win because they give people more chances to shoot themselves in the foot, creating trainwrecky lulz for all. Anyway, I think right now my comments should give you a choice to sign in or be anon. If you have preferences, will you tell me or email me? I am going to get a lot of this ugly fail shit moved off and try to get a banner up before I go out of town.

Also, I am trying to get my blogher badge back up. Yesterday I wrote about how some choads are asking ladybloggers to get their kits off. We appreciate you so much we want to see your gibgobs: I Love Your Blog. Now Take Off Your Clothes.

Also, I found out via Squiddy that Frida is at SFMOMA. I am so there on Thursday. I will be the one having an ARTGASM.

Thanks for the postcard, Squid!

PS, lulz! Scoboobles! Don’t worry about the words, it’s just some fappery. Wait, what am I saying? I love digital fappery.

WOOO TO THE FUCKING HOOO

Posted on July 10, 2008 by iasshole

Hey dudes.

So two days ago we were walking by the Zoo when we saw a duck with two brand new babies. They were going our way, so we decided to follow them at a discreet distance to see where they went. It was soon apparent that they were making their way directly to the lake, about a quarter of a mile from where we were.

The mother dipped down hills, crossed roads, and cut through bushes, with the little babies toddling along behind her full tilt. It was funny to watch them crash into things and their mother, trying to keep up. We stopped traffic for them at the Lake and they crossed the road and plopped into the water. The mother guzzled a bunch of water the minute she got into it, and it was obvious that it was the babies’ first time in, because they scrambled to get onto her back, which she wasn’t having any of. I wondered how many days it had been since she had had a drink. Do ducks have humps like camels, but full of duck fat? Yum. Next time I sees a duck I’m gonna tap it like a maple tree.

ANYWAY, did chav shopping today: cheap dress for next Friday, horrible accessories the likes of which may be purchased on the 12th floor of Hell (Ladies Lingerie, Handbags, Anal Probes), Nair (in case dear god there may be swimming, in which case I bring my own racing stripes), and roofies for any hot mommybloggers I encounter next week.

JUST KIDDING, I just use margaritas. Seriously, sporks, there are going to be a lot of mommybloggers up in the MF Blogher hizzy next week. I don’t know if I can hang with it all, but it sounds like there are going to be loads of peripheral activity to keep my cranky self occupied. Does anyone know of other little regular blogmeets in SF next weekend? Is there a PenisFest to counteract the feminine powers of the VagFest I will be going to? Additionally, I think the keynote is a bit of a comedown from Elizabeth Edwards last year.

Ungrateful McAsspants out.

WOW, Scott Pilgrim movie. Dunno how I feel about Michael Cera playing Scott, though. Too wimpy, methinks.

–message from tech support–

Posted on July 7, 2008 by iasshole

Yeah, so SJ’s got herself a new site. Apologies if any misbehavior has adversely impacted your asshole-viewing experience. She’ll be getting a new template as soon as I figure out what a boxing poster looks like. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.