I don’t want to make this into a Mirena recovery blog, since A. I prefer to think of this as a life-recovery blog and B. there are some out there already (similar URLs, different blogs). I have to say, though, I’ve had a couple of triumphs in the past few days already.

The first two days involved torrential, non-stop peeing, every five minutes if I was allowed, accompanied by night sweats. My body was flushing itself really quickly and efficiently. I decided to step up my water consumption to make sure I didn’t get dried out. Lucky me, I had also scheduled a massage in my ongoing attempt not to feel a thousand years old. I allowed someone I know well to check me over (teeth, hoof, VIN, udders, etc.) and the conclusion was, yes, I had lost a couple of pounds already, at least. My arms were less puffy. My everything is less puffy. I had a similar feeling to after you first give birth and your body does a huge chemical/hormone dump, except without the residual bobsled-through-babycannon pain.

Also, my right hand! It does not hurt! For the first time in a couple of years! Recently I was completely “losing” my right hand while trying to sleep, type, and while sitting in particular positions (like on an airplane). My toes started going numb as well. I did yoga today and did not have hand/wrist pain in downward dog for the first time in years.

I have also lost the urge to snack and drink at night. I think I’ll still enjoy cocktails and whatnot whenever I damn feel like, but I had an almost-nightly jones for chips, candy, or wine, anything that was going to give me a large hit of calories before bed. I was drinking a lot of alcohol, and have been for the past three years (especially in that first year), and immediately I feel like my old self, not starving after dinner, and not jonesing for one more cookie/glass of wine/etc. I was never really worried about my alcohol intake and cravings in and of itself, but I did note that it was part of my overall calorie and sugar fiending and overeating.

Probably the most important thing, though, is that the symptom known as “brain fog” is lifting, quickly. My brain is racing along, but it’s happy, instead of anxious, as I often was for a long time. I can sort out complexity again and my focus is improving. I completed about an inch of court paperwork today, which took me two hours. I imagine a few months or a year ago I would not have even attempted it. I got hit really hard yesterday with an “attack” of brain fog where I felt weighed down, slow, drugged, like someone had thrown a hot damp blanket over me, so I felt a sharp contrast between that and “normal.” I elected to take a nap and sleep it off.

I’m not irritable, not grinding my jaw, and not reminding myself to be patient, patient, calm, and not snap at the girls. I can hold lists in my head again like I used to. I feel mentally neutral, if, admittedly, a little giddy from feeling my proper age, fitness level, and actual smartyness.

The thing that is killing me about all of this is people who are coming to realizations like I did about their Mirena and look back at what it did to their lives. Too many times on message boards I have read “I am on the verge of divorce” or “my relationship ended around this time.” It’s really sad. I feel bad, too, for the little people who do not have the choice to get away from their Mr. Hyde mothers.

I’m going to see my NP this week about lingering pelvic pain. I’ll be interested to hear what she has to say in contrast with the doctor who removed it.

Anyway, I think this is all I have to say about this for now. I anticipate that the crash may be coming as the last of the synthetic hormone leaves my system and my body readjusts its levels. I’m also sure there’s a ways for me to go over the next few weeks and months. I may look into some kind of “detoxing” program with vitamins or supplements (nothing extreme) and I will continue exercising and trying to get enough sleep. I’m really happy I got it out. So that’s how I’m doing.

Things I learned this weekend.

First, the good news.

1. I am less afraid of dogs than I used to be. I went to a bar to meet Trixie Biltmore, draweress extraordinaire, and there were DOGS DOGS DOGS. At one point I was in an actual sea of dogs, being bumped and buffered from all sides by them. I knew what I was getting into, and it was really okay. And Trixie is VERY funny and nice and it was a blast. I feel so lucky to be able to meet people via the internet, because while I luck into certain people at parties or whatnot, I think I might have been very lonely at certain points without my digital tentacles.

2. Renewal. Earlier I was talking to a friend about how spring is for renewal, like babies and flowers and weddings and crap. Portland was GORGEOUS. Sunny, warm, flowers puking out of every container and every empty patch of dirt. Somehow seeing all that and thinking about death and loss compounds the unfairness and the awfulness of it all. Renewal, I guess, is not just creation. Sometimes it’s what life feels like after you leave someone behind.

3. When your ex-spouse dies, you need to sack up and remember that your child’s parent has died, and you (and I will) need to deal with that child accordingly. That’s all I’m going to say about this.

IN DOTRE NEWVELLES!

I’m getting my IUD out tomorrow. I am thinking really, really hard about the IUD. I got the Mirena, which has the hormone as well as the baby scraper or whatever. Technically it’s early to have it out, but I’m just done with it. The one benefit was that it completely disappeared my cycle for a while–no PMS, no bleeding, in addition to no babies. Now I am having monthly cramps and pain again and have been having breakthrough bleeding, so there goes that benefit.

I was thinking about going round two with it, and have been reading about other people’s experiences with it, and I’ve been getting this creeping feeling of unease that I’ve been dealing with the side effects as well. I’m kind of a fucking moron when it comes to medical stuff. I have a really high pain tolerance and I just don’t notice things. When I was first pregnant with Strudel, my midwives tested me and told me I was anemic and had a UTI, and I had no idea about either. This means that I can just stop digging trenches or whatever and crank babies out at home, but sometimes I worry my first sign I’ll have that something is wrong will be when my leg falls off or something.

So I got the IUD installed in February of 2008, and then I had this crash in March that dragged on and turned into an unexplained depression that culminated in me breaking up with Strudel’s dad. I keep thinking about that. Did my IUD make me so crazy that I broke up with my babydaddy?

I felt TERRIBLE. Terrible, like, I am embarrassed to tell you how bad I felt and how awful my thoughts were. I got into therapy and took a lot of GABA and ran A LOT and kind of crept along until I started to feel better after about a year. Now I am reading stories about hormone changes, depression, suicidal thoughts, all related to this IUD, and how it ceases when it comes out. I became afraid of dogs around this time as well, which, who the fuck knows. I also gained about 15 pounds that never really came off, even when I was running 5Ks and whatnot.

It makes me wonder. I don’t have a history of chronic depression. Any depression I’ve experienced in the past has been situational. I really liked my life when I got it in–nothing was happening that would have triggered a year of depression. I’m really interested to see what will happen. I’m going to try to overcome my inherent medical dumbassery and really pay close attention this time. Do I need to be more tough? Less tough? I don’t know.

I hope they let me keep the IUD. I think it’s crying out to be a necklace.